Bellieve In Me

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

While the war with ALIE was over, the recovering process had commenced. Just like the aftermath of Mount Weather, this was not something that the people would recover from quickly. It would take time. Support. And just like last time, Bellamy knew that he had to put his feelings aside for the betterment of the camp. For Arkadia. The first challenging task was to exit Polis. They had managed however, just like they always did. The journey back was slow, moving with the wounded and deprived as ALIE's possession had kept them from their basic needs of food and drink. But eventually they returned, and everyone was getting settled in.

On his way to medical, he came across Raven. He had needed to speak to her -- or anyone that had been here while the others were in Polis -- to make sure all was well. But, that seemed to be far from the truth. She began to explain the, situation that occurred. Jasper had been chipped. Not only that, after he was himself again, he tried to take his own life. The thought of it made Bellamy's heart ache. They had lost so many people to their enemies . . . but the thought of losing a person to their own self was heartbreaking. Bellamy walked with her to Jasper's room.

Apparently, they were taking turns in keeping him company to make sure he did not try anything like this again. Raven had found him just in time it seemed, and while they could save his life . . . that didn't mean they saved the soul of the man who wanted to do this. It was his heart that needed to be healed. Otherwise, he would just make this decision again in the future. Bellamy gave a nod to her, wanting to take this next watch as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. "Hey," he greeted, his voice low, as he looked over Jasper, taking in the sight of him, and feeling his heart ache even more at the broken expression on the younger male.

[Deleted]

Jasper was... embarrassed. Well, he was a lot of things, and miserable was pretty high on the list, but staying in his room recovering after he'd slit his wrist, having his friends and other people babysit him to make sure he wasn't going to hurt himself again... it was embarrassing. He couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't just put a bullet in his brain. it would have been quicker. Less room for error. Next time, he would do that.

He was anxious, and feeling stir crazy. His rooms weren't really a home. They were a bed and a shower, and a few empty bottles laying around that he hadn't bothered to clean up before. He hadn't exactly bothered to make the place cozy or inviting after Mount Weather. It was just a place he slept, and drank when he wanted to be left alone, and showered when he had the energy to give a shit about his own hygiene.

The door opened and Jasper glanced up from where he was seated at the edge of the bed, recognizing the voice before he saw who it was, and he felt a deep wash of shame as he looked away from Bellamy's face. His eyes immediately flooded with tears that didn't spill over, and his voice wobbled as he spoke. "I knew you'd show up eventually, if you were still alive," he said, tugging the hem of his longs sleeves down to cover the edges of bandages that poked out. "Been trying to decide which camp you're going to fall into. The camp that calls me a selfish idiot and/or a coward, or the camp that thinks if they look at me wrong, I'll shatter."

He rubbed his hand over the scruff that had grown on his face, since no one wanted to give him a fucking razor, then looked back at Bellamy. "You don't have booze, do you?" he asked, before Bellamy could even respond to his first statement. He'd been asking everyone that question when they came into his room. He needed to sleep, and he couldn't, and they were holding out on him.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had thought that he had reached that point of feeling so much pain, that he'd be numbed to it. But he was wrong. So utterly wrong. Because seeing Jasper like this, hearing the way he talked about it . . . only made his already shattered heart, breaking into more pieces. If he was still alive, Jasper had said. But Bellamy didn't feel like he was. He didn't know what he was. Technically, his heart was still beating. But where was his soul? His humanity? He felt like he had lost it all. So, how alive could he really be. Bellamy silently listened, moving to sit on the edge of the bed next to Jasper, not looking at him but rather, just taking in the words and situation.

Upon the question of whether Bellamy had booze, he just shook his head a little, figuring that Jackson already knew the answer to that. Though perhaps just making it known that he had reverted to his former ways. Bellamy instead sat in silence, until finally responding to Jasper's earlier words. "Neither." He wasn't here to call him names, nor was he afraid that he would provoke him. Truth of the matter was, they couldn't keep doing this. They couldn't have someone around him all the time. If he was determined, he would find a way. "I guess I'm more in the selfish group," he began to answer. "Relieved to see that you're alive." But he wasn't ok. Yes, perhaps it was selfish for Bellamy to feel relieved. To hold onto that. To want Jasper to live where Jasper didn't want to. Bellamy was a selfish bastard for that, but he wasn't about to just concede and give up.

"I know I can't change your mind right now," he began to tell him. The tears he saw in Jasper's eyes were making it difficult to hold back his own. Relieved for the blood and bruises that created a mask of his misdeeds and crimes. At least they scarred him enough to hopefully hide his emotions. His tears. "And I'm sorry, for what you're going through." Because Bellamy could only imagine how much it must hurt to want to take your own life. If Bellamy believed that his body was his own, and that it wasn't given to the others he lived and fought for . . . then perhaps similar thoughts would have crossed his mind. "But I'm not going to give up on you." Whether it was reassurance or something that would provoke Jasper . . . Bellamy just wanted him to know, that he was willing to fight for him, if Jasper wasn't willing to fight for himself.

[Deleted]

Bellamy was selfish. Selfishly relieved Jasper was alive, apparently. Other people had expressed relief too, in between either berating him or treating him with kid gloves. But Bellamy was just relieved... sitting next to him as if nothing had changed, like he was neither too angry or too afraid to get close to him. Jasper closed his eyes, his unshed tears running down his face as he lowered his body, dropping his head and propping his elbows on his knees.

It was true Bellamy couldn't talk him out of the way he felt. He certainly didn't need to be sorry about it, though, so when Bellamy said he was, Jasper shook his head slightly. When Bellamy finished, Jasper huffed. "Why not? I gave up on me. More than once," he said, lacing his hands together and squeezing. "After Mount Weather," he said. "When I took the chip." That had been a suicide of sorts, Jasper had realized. Even after seeing what Alie had done to Raven, he still took the chip. He'd given up hope. He'd given up on himself. "Now," he added, briefly holding his hands out, palms up to indicate his wrists, then clasping his hands again. "So many times I should have died, and I don't understand why I'm still here. It'll be easier for you if you give up on me now." They couldn't babysit him forever, after all.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy briefly glanced at Jasper as his head hung in his hands, the older male fighting the urge to reach out and offer physical comfort to him. Whether it was a touch on his arm or one wrapped around him. He fought against the temptation though, not about to force it on Jasper. Not until he was sure it would help him, rather than cause him to abruptly pull away. "All the more reason I won't," Bellamy stated. Even if Jasper had given up on himself . . . it fueled Bellamy's refusal to. Bellamy knew firsthand what it felt like when people gave up on you.

Hell, he had experienced it from people he was closest to. Whether it was Clarke, Kane, Octavia . . . and the list went on. But that didn't mean he was just going to give up on the others. Especially not Jasper. He remained silent, listening to the former delinquent list off different instances where he had given up on himself. All were understandable, but Jasper didn't need justification right now. It wouldn't help anything. Once again, Bellamy's eyes glanced over to his bound wrists, his heart aching at the thought of it, though he remained composed. Still silent; still letting him finish. Bellamy let several moments of silence pass before he finally spoke.

"Since when do we ever pick the easier path?" He asked rhetorically, the question almost a tease though lacking the joviality that often associated one. "You're here, because you're meant to be." That was all there was too it. Jasper had escaped death so many times, and Bellamy knew that it could only get exhausting each time he did. "I know what it's like, to want death. To beg for it. To want an escape from this all." He had once begged a damn hallucination for it . . . and while the nuts could be blamed, Bellamy knew that deep down, he had meant his words. He wanted to die. He wanted to end his suffering. He was too tired of fighting. "But . . . you're still here," he stated, now turning his head to look at Jasper properly. "And that counts for something." It always would.

"Maybe not to you, but to me, it does." Bellamy couldn't ask Jasper to live for him, or anyone else. He needed to come to that want on his own. Otherwise, Bellamy would see him and feel guilty every single time the man suffered. He didn't want that for Jasper. "I just . . . I need time, Jasper," Bellamy began to say, feeling his eyes start to moisten with tears, though refusing to let them fall right now. He wasn't trying to guilt trip the younger male, but Bellamy had failed so many others. He could not fail Jasper to. "Will you please give me time, to show you that . . . it can get better. That there's hope." For something more than the pain this life constantly threw at them. After Mount Weather, Jasper hadn't let anyone close. He hadn't been able to heal afterwards. But this time . . . Bellamy wanted to be there for him.

"Because, it's all we have right now." It's all I have right now. "And, if it doesn't get better. If you still feel this way then . . . " The words were damn hard to say, but Bellamy knew that they couldn't watch Jasper forever. They couldn't force him to live. "I won't stop you." He wouldn't get in his way anymore. But he just needed time. Just a little bit of time. "I won't ask you to live for me, or the others. But for yourself. And . . . with how many times you've survived against all odds, maybe you owe it to yourself to give life, just one more chance." Bellamy continued to look at him, unsure if his words would prompt any acceptance or willingness in the younger male. But as Bellamy had said before, he wasn't going to give up on him. He wasn't going to stop fighting for him.

[Deleted]

Jasper couldn't help bu huff slightly when Bellamy asked since when did they take the easy path. They never did. In fact, it hadn't been long ago Bellamy asked him if he wanted to join them to find Luna, warning that it could be dangerous. 'You know me well. I'm in,' Jasper had said at the time. But now... he was done picking the hard paths, the dangerous paths, the painful ones. He was just done, and he wished everyone around him would just let him be done. He didn't say anything, but he almost protested what Bellamy said next, that he was here because he was meant to be, because why? But Bellamy's next words took Jasper by surprise... that Bellamy knew what it felt like to want death. To beg for it. Jasper's gaze jerked up and he stared at Bellamy for a moment, frowning. Not only would he have never expected to hear Bellamy say that, but it hurt to hear. Bellamy was... so important. Not just for their camp, but to Jasper personally. Jasper owed Bellamy his life, though he wasn't sure the same was true in reverse.

Jasper let him keep talking, though, eventually turning his gaze back down to frown at his clasped hands again. He didn't think simply being here counted for anything, but Bellamy did... and then Bellamy asked him to give him time. He looked over at Bellamy again, but quickly looked back away again when he saw the moisture in Bellamy's eyes, his own eyes filling with tears yet again. It made it so much harder to continue to plan to kill yourself when people you cared about were upset by it. Not that he expected anyone to just be fine with it, but they would eventually see it was for the best.

"And, if it doesn't get better. If you still feel this way then . . . I won't stop you." Jasper actually let out a shaky breath at those words. A few heartbeats later, when they sunk in, his face crumpled as he brought his hands up to cover it. A sob escaped him as he bent forward farther, but it wasn't a sob of sadness. It was a sob of relief. Pretty much everyone told him things would get better, and Jasper was pretty damn sure they were wrong. No one had yet told him that if they didn't, they would let him go. And for some reason, that made it seem easier to try, to even give it a shot. Because at the end, there was an out.

"I've given it so many chances already," Jasper said, but his voice was a little more steady than it was before as he sat up, wiping his hands down his face. When the moisture was swept away, he left his hands on his cheeks and stared across the room for a minute, trying to process the sudden relief he felt. And the fear. "How long do you need?" How much longer was he going to live like this, endure this pain, this agony, before at least someone let him go?

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420
Note: 3900th POST!!!!!

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy didn't fail to notice Jasper's tears. Or the way he looked at him when Bellamy made his admittance. Or even the emotions that washed over him when Bellamy gave Jasper an out. There was a mix of so many things. When Jasper's head was held in his hands, Bellamy tentatively reached over, debating whether he should or not . . . and in the end, decided on the contact, as he gently put a hand on Jasper's back, in any attempt to comfort him. Though, he wasn't entirely certain how effective it would be. Bellamy had learned that he had lost that right to comfort . . . more often than not being the reason that the person was mourning or in pain to begin with. He listened to Jasper say that he had already given so many chances, and then asked for a time period.

Ideally, Bellamy wanted to ask for at least a few months, knowing that it could potentially take years for him to heal. But . . . he also knew that that wasn't realistic. That it was too much to ask of Jasper to give him months. It may discourage the deal all together. "A couple of weeks?" Bellamy answered, cutting down the timeline. Knowing, it would add to the pressure. But the idea was to convince Jasper to give life another chance . . . and he hoped that within those weeks, Bellamy could give him a reason to hold on. Something, even a minimal way to show that there was something worth living for. "But I'm going to need your help," he added on. These next couple of weeks, couldn't consist of Jasper drinking himself to unconsciousness. That would do nothing but numb the pain until it overwhelmed him again and he attempted something like this.

The others were so concerned with saving Jasper's body . . . but they needed to focus on saving his soul first. Otherwise, his body was just but a vessel. It was life from within him that needed to be restored. "For starters, why don't you stay at my place tonight?" Jasper's apartment had become somewhat of a prison. Stuck in here; held in here. Empty bottles, a lacking comfort. Not that Bellamy expected his place to be comforting. "A change of scenery might do some good." There was nothing suggestive about Bellamy's offer -- despite his and Jasper's past hookups. NOr was it any attempt to babysit Jasper. It was truly, just an offer to get him out of this place. And knowing, that without company . . . it was so easy to sink back into your grief and let it consume your entire being.

[Deleted]

Jasper stilled for a moment when he felt Bellamy's hand on his back. It was strange now, the way some people treated him, and he didn't really know what to expect most of the time. And sometimes he felt strange himself. Before he'd pushed everyone away after Mount Weather, he'd been so open to both giving and receiving affection. And he had started to recover that part of himself slowly until he'd tried to kill himself. Now? Now he shouldn't be receiving it at all. He should be dead. Or at least rejecting affection in his shame. But after a moment he relaxed and leaned into the touch. Under all the pain, he was still someone who craved it.

He wad relieved when Bellamy only said a couple weeks, letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, then nodded when he said he needed Jasper to help. Jasper nodded. He could help. He could do anything for two weeks if he could be allowed relief at the end. He looked up at Bellamy when he said Jasper should stay at his place, saying a change of scenery would be nice. In spite of their past hookups, there wasn't anything in Bellamy's tone to suggest he had sex on his mind, and Jasper searched his face for a moment before looking around his own room. This room felt stifling, dark, lonely, ugly.... but suddenly the idea of leaving felt daunting. He stared at inside of his door for a moment, then closed his eyes, feeling them prickle. "How... I... I don't know if I can face them." Leaving this room, even just to go to Bellamy's, meant walking through camp, potentially through groups of people who knew who he was and what he'd done.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Had Bellamy not been so aware of Jasper's response to his touch, he may have missed the way he leaned into it. Which served as reassurance that it was alright to touch him. That perhaps, that contact was craved. Bellamy knew firsthand what it felt like to crave it . . . seldom given it. Whether it be by personal rejection, or because people didn't want to give it. When he seemed to agree to going to his room, his next words revealed that he didn't know how to face them. "You don't have to," Bellamy assured him. Even during the walk, he would dismiss the others.

"Not until you're ready." Whenever that would be. Bellamy knew it would be soon; Jasper couldn't spend the entire two weeks in his apartment. But nor would he just throw Jasper out there to deal with everyone. He knew how overwhelming that could be. Keeping his hand on Jasper's back, he helped him to a stand, before heading toward the door and opening it. Bellamy stepped out first before Jasper followed, closing the door behind them. The walk to his apartment was silent, and the older male felt relieved that they hadn't crossed paths with anyway. He immediately opened the door once they arrived and this time, let Jasper step in first, closing and locking it behind them. Bellamy then proceeded to take off his jacket, hanging it on the hook. "You can freshen up in the bathroom," he offered.

"There's a towel if you want to shower. And an extra razor if you want to shave. Fresh clothes on the table." Bellamy wasn't stupid. He knew the risk of leaving him with a razor. At the same time . . . it was his own show of faith. If Jasper was going to do it, then it meant that none of what he said registered. So it wouldn't matter if it was now, it would be tomorrow, or the day after. But all Bellamy could hope for, was that Jasper gave him at least the two weeks. "I'll go grab us some food." It wasn't a question.

At least if they had it here, then Jasper might eat something. With that, he gave a short nod to the younger male before leaving. Once the door was closed, Bellamy paused outside of it for a moment. God, he hoped that he wouldn't come back to find Jasper's body. He hoped that he had been able to reach him. And Bellamy knew that if Jasper did take his own life . . . then it would be his fault. And the others would blame him too. But, that shouldn't come as a surprise. It wasn't like this would be the first time they blamed him for a death. Hoping for the best, Bellamy made his way to get some food for them, not lingering for too long so that he could quickly return to Jasper.

[Deleted]

Jasper's hair was starting to grow back in, but it wasn't yet anywhere near long enough to lower his head and have it fall over his eyes. Jasper kind of regretted shaving it as they walked to Bellamy's rooms, feeling oddly exposed. Fortunately, they got to Bellamy's quarters without anyone speaking to them, though, and Jasper felt himself relax a little once inside. Bellamy told him his could shower and shave and change if he wanted to, and then left him alone. Jasper honestly didn't care about showering or anything, but he supposed if he was sharing Bellamy's bed, he could at least be polite. So he climbed into the shower and washed off quickly, and then found himself staring into Bellamy's mirror for a long moment wrapped in a towel.

Why would Bellamy leave him here with a razor? It was so incredibly tempting to try to just finish what he'd started, just end it... but Bellamy probably wouldn't be gone long enough for him to bleed out, and he didn't want to hurt Bellamy. He new if Bellamy came back to him dead on his bathroom floor, he'd never forgive himself. Hell, even if Bellamy got back in time to save him, the trust would be gone between them. If Jasper had to live, he couldn't live with that.

So instead, he shaved. It seemed pretty pointless, but he couldn't deny he felt slightly better showered and shaved, so he did the next thing and put on the clothes Bellamy indicated. They were, of course, Bellamy's clothes, and Jasper felt like he was swimming in the shirt. He had to grab his own belt to get the pants to stay up, but at least Bellamy was tall, so they fit lengthwise. He looked around the room, wondering what now, and when nothing immediately came to him, he crawled onto Bellamy's bed and curled up, unconsciously taking the side he'd laid on the night they'd spent together after Mount Weather. "Two weeks," he mumbled to himself. "I can do two more weeks."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had made one quick stop to medical, asking for fresh bandages so that he could redress Jasper's wounds later on. Other than that, he went straight to get some food for themselves, enough for two people, though Bellamy's appetite was practically non existent. The entire time, Bellamy was consumed with fear. Fear of seeing one of his closest friends bleeding out on the floor. While it wasn't born of distrust, it was just a crippling fear that Bellamy couldn't deny. He had bestowed faith in Jasper and prayed that his own instincts weren't wrong.

When he got back to his apartment, he took a deep breath, bracing himself as he entered, kicking the door lightly shut. He looked around the room at first, before quickly noticing the figure in his bed. Thank god. Words could not describe how relieved Bellamy felt in this moment. Jasper was still alive. He hadn't done it. He . . . was giving Bellamy the two weeks he said he would. Bellamy set the bandages on the table and then moved toward the side that Jasper was lying on, setting the food on the side table close to him.

He noticed that Jasper looked freshened up, and that he had shaved. It was a good start. No, a great start. And Bellamy was proud of his friend for taking those steps. "Try to eat something?" He asked of him. "I'm just going to get in the shower myself." He hadn't cleaned up since his return, and with a final glance at Jasper, went into the bathroom. Bellamy took the opportunity to compose himself. To regain his own calm. He hadn't gotten a chance since returning from Polis.

With, everything that had happened. Falling apart wasn't an option. He needed to set his feelings aside . . . just like he always did. Taking a quick shower, he then dried off and dressed in baggier pants and a t-shirt; clothes comfortable for sleeping in. Once he re-entered the room, Bellamy noticed that Jasper was still awake. "Mind if I take a look at your wrists?" He asked him calmly. "Thought I'd redress them so that you're good for the night." While he didn't want to draw attention to them, perhaps it was impossibell not to considering . . . well, the fact that they were there. But Bellamy wouldn't force him if he wasn't ready. The last thing he wanted to do was force anything onto Jasper . . . except life. For the next two weeks at least.

[Deleted]

Jasper didn't react too much to Bellamy putting the plate down and then disappearing again into the bathroom. What was there to say? He made himself eat a couple bites of food, but the didn't bother to move from his position on the bed, so when Bellamy came back out, he was still curled up where Bellamy had left him. He didn't really stir until Bellamy came back and asked if he could redress his wounds. Jasper sucked in a deep breath. He didn't want Bellamy to see them, and his stomach twisted a little at the thought. They were yet another ugly thing about him, another mark on his skin reminding how much this world fucking sucked, but they were inflicted by himself this time. Because he was weak.

Still, he'd taken off th bandages to shower, and put the old bandages back on after, so they probably needed to be dealt with. And he agreed to help Bellamy help him, so he sat up and started slowly taking the old bandages off. "You said you knew what it felt like to want death. To beg for it," he said quietly, finishing with one wrist and starting to undress the other. He felt incredibly exposed, and he couldn't look up at Bellamy. He didn't want to see Bellamy's reaction to the wounds. He couldn't stop thinking about what Bellamy said before, though. "When?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy once again felt some relief when Jasper agreed to allow him to redress the wounds. He grabbed the new roll and a small blade to cut the material for the bandages, along with a cloth, should they need to be cleaned. When he returned, Jasper was starting to unwrap them. Bellamy sat on the edge of the bed next to him, his body turned toward Jasper as his eyes rested on his wrists, looking over the severe cuts that he had inflicted onto himself. Bellamy forced back any reaction, though it made his heart ache . . . to see just how deep the wounds were.

To see the evidence of how badly Jasper wanted to leave this world. The younger male's question caused Bellamy to pause a little, as he started to dab the cloth over the cuts, wiping away any blood that he could. He owed him an answer . . . an elaboration to his earlier stated words. Though, Bellamy had never told this to anyone. He clenched his jaw slightly, trying to figure out where to start. "At the dropship," Bellamy began to say. "I went with Clarke to look for supplies. It was when everyone ate those nuts." Perhaps that would help pinpoint it in time. Bellamy tried to keep his voice steady. Tried to keep himself composed as he continued to clean Jasper's wounds, being as gentle as he could. "I didn't plan on coming back." Another admittance, one that he was not proud of. One that only Clarke knew about.

But . . . his relationship with her now strained. It only served as a reminder that he had gone back because of what she said, yet she hadn't stayed for him. "I ate the nuts too.  I saw Jaha. And, the people I killed in the culling." It was getting increasingly difficult to talk about, and Bellamy had to pause to swallow back to the emotions. Jasper deserved the truth about it. "I wanted to die. I begged for the people I saw to kill me." And it hadn't been the nuts talking. It had been from Bellamy's heart.

"I was tired of fighting." And he still was. When the wounds looked clean enough, Bellamy set the cloth down on the table, and began to unwrap the bandage, carefully wrapping it around Jasper's wrists, making sure it was tight enough but no uncomfortably so. "Whatever I saw . . . told me that I didn't deserve the relief of death. Told me to live, breathe, suffer." As they did. Another pause, another clench of his jaw as he cut the bandage, and pinned it together so that it would not become undone.

"I knew then, that he was right." Whatever he was. "And that I deserved to suffer, because living . . . was my punishment for everything I had done." For all the people he had killed. And that, was why he had never tried to end his own life. Why he had never taken the chip. Because he lived for others, not for himself. His body was not his own. And that breathing, and enduring his life . . . well, that was the ultimate punishment, and he deserved nothing less than to suffer in such a way. "I never told anyone that," Bellamy further admitted, wrapping Jasper's other wrist not even sure why he had added that on as an afterthought. Perhaps, because he wanted Jasper to know that he told him now, to further indicate that he knew, what Jasper was enduring. That want for death.

[Deleted]

Jasper closed his eyes as Bellamy started to clean the wounds with the cloth, listening as Bellamy started to talk about the dropship, when they all the those nuts. Jasper had vague memories of fear and panic, confessing his love to Octavia because he was certain they would die that day, and coming back to his senses cuddling a large stick. He was tempted to tell Bellamy that one night on a bad trip wishing for death wasn't the same as wanting it every waking minute while in your right mind... but Bellamy never opened up like this. He never talked about his own pain. This was rare, so Jasper wasn't about to interrupt.

He'd seen Jaha, and... of course he blamed himself for the culling. That was what Bellamy did. Jasper opened his eyes again and looked at Bellamy as he seemed to start to struggled to speak and started to wrap the bandages. He probably shouldn't. He probably should allow Bellamy to keep talking without eyes on him, but he couldn't because his heart was aching. Bellamy thought he deserved to suffer. He thought he was paying for whatever he perceived to be his crimes by living, and that... wasn't any way to live. And Jasper felt like he understood Bellamy even more now, knowing that.

He stayed quiet for several long moments after Bellamy finished, wondering if he might continue and feeling oddly honored that Bellamy told him this when he hadn't told anyone else. He was glad now that he hadn't dismissed it as one night on a bad trip, because it was obviously something Bellamy carried with his this whole time. "You don't deserve to suffer," he said finally, looking down as Bellamy finished wrapping his wrists. He looked up again and reached his hand out to grip Bellamy's shoulder, which hurt to do, but he ignored it. "No one does." It was in part why Jasper decided it was time to take his own life, after all, and his gaze on Bellamy was equal parts sympathy and wanting Bellamy to know that. He probably already did. He huffed an unhappy laugh and lowered his hand, clasping them together in his lap where his gaze fell again. "Hey, maybe in two weeks, we can both end it," he joked, though he knew it wasn't a good joke, and Bellamy wouldn't think it was.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened as Jasper told him that he didn't deserve to suffer. Of course, Bellamy disagreed with that. He had also learned that it wasn't just him who disagreed with it. The others . . . his sister, Marcus, all those who took action or were inactive, knew that he deserved what he got. Deserved to suffer. It was a grand revelation, that people he loved and trusted, bellieved it. Knew it. He couldn't even blame them for it. It just . . . validated what he had known all along. So anyone who told him otherwise, well, it felt impossible to accept.

Surely, not six people, seven including himself could possibelly be wrong about that. But Bellamy wasn't about to go into detail about the occurrences of the cave. Of what happened. Of the day he died in the eyes of Octavia. Bellamy appreciated the contact that Jasper offered, though it wasn't enough to draw a smile from the older male. He did however raise his gaze to meet Jasper's.

"Some people deserve to live," he stated. Not just survive; not just endure . . . but to actually live. Jasper's joke prompted Bellamy to set aside the cloth. Or well, at least what he hoped was a joke. "I can't," he told him, unable to humor the situation, even if it was meant in jest. Nor could he vocalize his hope that Jasper wouldn't either, though Bellamy most certainly felt it. "Day by day," Bellamy added on, words that he supposed both he and Jasper could live by.