Late Night Brood

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

There had been one point where Bellamy had felt he was surrounded by love. And now . . . he had never felt emptier. There had been so much loss in the past few weeks. The loss of his lover; Gena. Loss of his sister; Octavia. Loss of a father of heart; Kane. A brother of heart; Lincoln. A strong friend; Pike. And all those that gave up on him. Rightfully so. But the loss still hurt. Whether physical or emotional. Arkadia no longer felt like a home, and part of him wasn't sure why he was here.

Then again, where else would he go. He was still devoted to his people and perhaps with ime, they would be able to look at him once more. Tonight, he felt he was in mourning. He wasn't even sure why he was here; in a place where Gena once worked. The Hangar. He had waited until it was closed, his position granting him access, knowing how to get in . . . knowing where the drinks were. He moved behind the bar, pulling out a large bottle and a cup. He didn't drink often. The last time he had was with Pike. The only one to offer condolence for losing Gena. Offering support where others offered dismissal.

And despite what others thought of him . . . Pike had been a friend to Bellamy. Turning him over to the Grounders was one of the hardest things he'd done and he hated himself for it. Only to be relieved to see him alive, and later taken at the hands of his sister. The entire situation was more than complicated. But where sleep eluded him tonight . . . he found himself here. Drinking. Needing some form of distraction, unable to be alone in his apartment. Afraid to close his eyes for all the images that would haunt him. Filling one of the shot glasses he brought it to his lips, pausing for a moment. "May we meet again," he spoke in a low voice, before taking it back all the way in one large gulp, and already filling up another serving.

[Deleted]

After everything that had happened in Polis, when they returned to Arkadia, people had tried to push Bryan to take time off the guard to heal, but Bryan insisted on going back to work right away. He finally did switch his shift so that he could work nights with Nate, not wanting to have long periods of time where he could wind up on their apartment alone. He couldn't be alone right now, and he didn't want to slow down. When the dust settled, Bryan couldn't ignore the intense pain in his chest anymore. Iris was gone. Monroe, who he respected, even if he'd known her only briefly, was gone. Shawn was gone. Hannah was gone. Pike was gone... at the hands of someone Bryan should have handled sooner. Bryan understood Iris and Monroe had not been his responsibility, as much as it felt that way sometimes, but he felt immense guilt over leaving Hannah and Pike, even if he hadn't had much choice.

His shift was over for the night, but as he headed home, he thought he saw someone slip into the hangar. And they didn't know his shift was over. He made his way over to the door, and slipped inside quietly, ready to shoo whoever it was, but as he walked deeper inside, the outline of the man sitting at the bar with the mess of curls topping his head was clear. Bellamy. Bryan's stomach dropped a little. Bellamy was also someone he'd failed, and Bryan had been meaning to try to talk to him, but every time he considered it, he felt a little sick. Maybe this was how it was supposed to happen, though. Bryan didn't drink much, but maybe he needed to for this one.

He cleared his throat slightly as he approached the bar, not wanting to startle Bellamy, who seemed deep in thought. When Bellamy shifted, Bryan raised his eyebrows at him questioningly. "Mind if I join?" he asked, braced for Bellamy to tell him he'd rather be alone, but hoping he could stay. Bellamy had lost a lot too. And Bryan knew they could be honest with each other when it came to Pike, whereas certain friends and loved ones might not be so compassionate.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Bellamy didn't look up when he heard footsteps approaching. It wasn't until he heard the voice, asking him to join, that Bellamy looked over to see Bryan. The older met felt utterly defeated. But at least with this particular individual . . . he didn't fear severe backlash. He didn't fear the same anger, disappointment and blame that he knew others would give. That he knew he deserved. So Bryan's company was not unwelcome. Hell, Bellamy considered him a friend. He had been so happy for Miller to be reunited with his boyfriend, and continued to be relieved that neither of them had to suffer the loss of a partner they loved. Everyone had lost enough. Bellamy wordlessly answered his question by pulling out another cup and filling it, sliding it toward Bryan.

His fingers curled around his own cup, lifting it but pausing before raising it anymore. "To Pike," he said, knowing that may not be well received but his gut told him that Bryan still cared for the man even when going against him. Bellamy's decision to oppose Pike had been more about protecting his own people. Turning him over to the Grounders was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do, and hated himself for it. Particularly when it only caused more blame from the people he had been trying to protect when doing so. But he and Bryan had seemed close. So maybe, the two of them were perfectly suited company in such a moment. "A protector. A friend. A brother." And with that, downed the round of his drink.

[Deleted]

Bryan felt his shoulders relax when Bellamy wordlessly filled a second cup and slid it over toward Bryan. But then Bellamy said 'To Pike', and Bryan closed his eyes for a moment and drew in a slow breath. Apparently, Bellamy was here tonight to drink to the dead. Bryan could understand that. He'd been tempted to numb the pain before, but he feared what he might say to Nate about Pike if he was drunk. He'd given up too much to be with Nate, and he wouldn't ruin that now. But Bellamy felt safer to discuss this with. The pain in his heart hurt worse at the mention of Pike, and even moreso because the words Bellamy uttered next were honoring him.

Bryan finally opened his eyes, sat down next to Bellamy and lifted his cup. "He taught me how to fight. How to survive. He saved my life more times than I could count," he said quietly, ignoring the tears glassing over his eyes, then gulped the drink, hissing after at the burn it sent down his throat. He wasn't much of a drinker, had never tried alcohol prior to coming to Arkadia, actually, so maybe this wasn't a good idea. But he pushed his glass back toward Bellamy for a refill anyway. He still trusted Bellamy. He hoped they were still friends. Regardless, he knew Bellamy would get him home tonight, if he had too much.

When he got his cup back full, he closed both his hands around it and stared down into it. After several long, but comfortable, moments of silence, he said, "I should have come and talked to you sooner."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Bryan explain all that Pike had done for him. For the others. Pike was a protector and while an extremist, he had done what he believed was best for them. And Bellamy believed in the man. For all that he had tried to achieve for Arkadia. For their people. For their future. "He was a good man," Bellamy said in a low voice, a sincere one. "He taught us all a lot." Bryan undoubtedly more so, considering the duration of time they had spent together. But he was the last one standing out of Pike's close crew. Hannah, Shane, the others were dead. Bryan was all that was left.

When he moved his cup for more, Bellamy silently filled it, taking back another shot of his own and proceeding to fill the contents of his cup. After a few moments of silence, Bryan told him that he should have come talk to him sooner. Bellamy slowly turned his head to glance at the younger male, before his eyes fell into the opening of his cup . . . not really paying attention to where his gaze had rested.

His mind was flooding with thoughts; his heart mourning. "About what?" He asked him, his words both inquiring about what but at the same time, offering understanding to Bryan that he didn't owe Bellamy any sort of explanation or remarks. Bellamy deserved what he was given, whether it was aggression, silence, rage, violence, or dismissal. He had brought it upon himself he supposed. He didn't blame Bryan for his actions. Hell, Bellamy was relieved for the mere fact that the male had approached him to begin with; that he was even willing to talk to Bellamy.

[Deleted]

Bryan felt Bellamy's gaze on him briefly, but he kept looking at his own cup for a long moment, trying to decide how to answer his question. There were so many reasons he should have talked to Bellamy sooner. They both had so much to mourn. They'd both turned their backs on Pike, and never got to make it up to him. And the thought that Bryan had done nothing to stop Octavia in the cave still made him feel sick at himself. "To talk," he said after a moment, lifting his cup and draining half of it, in spite of the warmth already coursing through him after his first drink. This was going to be harder than he thought.

"I screwed up. And I'll never make it up to him." Given the choice he was presented by Nate, him or Pike, he would have done the same thing again. He would never not choose his boyfriend first. But that didn't mean he didn't feel immense guilt for having left Pike. He might still be alive today. And even still, if he'd made better choices after leaving, maybe he would still be alive. If he'd found a way to neutralize Octavia. Not kill her, he respected Bellamy too much for that, but if he'd just done something. "I hope you'll let me make things up to you, though," he added softly, looking over at Bellamy wiith a sad frown on his face.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

To talk. The answer was simple enough, and yet flooded with depth at the same time. Bellamy's jaw clenched, gaze staring into the depth of his cup still. Bryan felt he screwed up, now unable to make it up to him. Bellamy could more than understand that guilt. That remorse. Pike had fought to protect them, and they had gone against him. At least Bryan didn't turn him in. For that, he was a better person than Bellamy. He still displayed some honor, some loyalty. "He understood," Bellamy began to explain in a low voice. "I turned him into the Grounders," Bellamy admitted, finding no pride in these actions. He had gone against a friend, with a futile result.

Because Octavia blamed him anyway. He had tried to make amends but the blame shifted to him regardless. It was a stupid act. So relief had spread over him when seeing that Pike was alive . . . only to lose him to the woman whom he had saved. "You were caught in a tough spot. You did what you had to do and he got that." Pike had been understanding, which only made Bellamy feel more guilty for his actions.

He looked to Bryan when he spoke of how he had to make it up to him, wondering if what came to mind, was actually what Bryan was speaking in regards to. Bellamy's first response was a slight shake of his head. "You have nothing to make up for," he assured him. "It's fine." He didn't blame any of them. How could it when it had been his own actions that brought it forth? "We're fine," he added on, taking another drink as if to really convinced himself that everything would be fine . . . to no avail.

[Deleted]

If things were different, Bryan might be pissed that Bellamy had turned Pike over to the Grounders. As it was, he didn't feel great about it, but in the end, the Grounders hadn't killed Pike. Octavia had, and Bryan had known for too long that Octavia was a problem and not done anything to stop her. Bellamy continued, telling him he'd been put in a tough spot, and that Pike understood. And maybe he had, but that didn't make his betrayal any easier now.

Bellamy assured him that there was nothing to make up for, and that they were fine, but Bryan didn't want to just brush it under the rug and pretend nothing happened, that there was nothing to make up for. "I should have stopped her," he said firmly. His fingers curled a little tighter on his glass now, because they both knew who she was, and Bryan didn't know anymore how to talk about Octavia in front of Bellamy. He never really had, if he was honest. Octavia had been practically a Grounder from the moment Bryan met her, but he bit his tongue for Bellamy. "You didn't deserve that, and if I had stopped her then, if I had... neutralized her somehow, maybe... maybe he'd still be alive." He clenched his jaw. "But I froze." He tossed back the rest of his second drink and refilled his glass himself this time, in spite of already feeling a bit tipsy.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Bryan explain that he should have stopped her. That he didn't deserve it . . . that maybe Pike would still be alive if he had neutralized her. Bellamy clenched his jaw once more, trying to keep himself composed in the wake of such a difficult conversation. On the one hand, he had to appreciate Bryan's attempt to soften things between them. To, apologize. On the other hand . . . Bellamy knew that he had deserved it. And at the time, everyone else bellieved so either. Otherwise, maybe someone would have intervened.

Perhaps that was what had hurt the most. Was that others had finally accepted that Bellamy truly was the monster he had always claimed to be. "You weren't the only one," Bellamy tried to say dismissively, but knew he failed miserabelly. The emotion was in his voice. In his tone. Bryan wasn't the only one who had froze. "Guess we'll never know." Whether Pike would have been alive or not.

"I don't . . . blame you, any of you for what happened. You did what you hd to do." They had made a choice and Bellamy had to accept it. Because he knew that he had to accept his mistakes. He had to accept the punishment he was given. "I just wish they would have let me help." That the others had been willing to accept his offer because then . . . perhaps Lincoln would be alive. But once again, they would never know. And all Bellamy could do was take down another large gulp of the beverage.

[Deleted]

Bryan inhaled and let it out sharply through his nose when Bellamy said he wasn't the only one. It was true. It was also the reason, Bryan had realized after the fact, that he'd frozen in the moment. Everyone else in that cave had known Bellamy far longer than Bryan had. Even if "far longer" was just a few months, it outweighed the couple of weeks Bryan had known him. He's wrongly expected someone else to step in first, and... Nate eventually did, but it was too late.

"We didn't do what we had to do in that moment, Bellamy," Bryan insisted, clenching his jaw for a moment. He ignored the part about Bellamy wishing they'd let him help. Bryan hadn't been a part of that decision, and them 'letting him help' meant betraying Pike. Bryan couldn't hold it against Bellamy, considering his own actions not long after, but it was difficult to discuss. "What we had to do was protect our own." Bellamy's sister or not, Octavia wasn't one of them. She'd made that clear. But Bryan's voice held no accusation. Upsetting Bellamy was not his intention right now. "I'm sorry about the way things happened," he said, feeling his eyes moisten because those were the same words he'd said to Pike. Some of his last words to Pike, while Pike and Nate tried to usher him to see Abby about his infected leg.

He blinked back the moisture and took another drink. Was it the alcohol? He didn't cry, not much anyway. "So many things I wish I could do over," he mused, swirling the drink in his cup.

Tag: Bellamy Blake