You're Not Dead To Me (Even When I Wish You Were)

[Deleted]

Octavia had practically dragged Jasper out of camp, talking about a resistance to Pike that Jasper wasn't really interested in. Jasper was more interested in Jaha's chip and Raven, but Octavia was trying to protect him, he supposed, so he'd wound up in a cave with Bellamy chained to the wall. Octavia had placed him in the resistance camp, but no one was about to give Jasper a gun these days, and he didn't blame them. So he sat silently in the cave for a while, not talking to Bellamy, until he couldn't sit anymore, and started pacing. He hated being pent up somewhere.

Bellamy's chains seemed unnecessary, but Jasper didn't have anything to pick them with, and he wasn't sure he would if he did.

When the others came back from... whatever they'd been in camp trying to do, Jasper watched them file into the cave. Lincoln wasn't with them, and the anger on Octavia's face made it clear what had happened. Lincoln was dead. And Jasper's heart ached for her, because he knew how losing the love of your life felt. It was crushing. Debilitating. Jasper opened his mouth to say something when Octavia hauled off and punched Bellamy in the face.

Momentarily stunned, Jasper stood there as she did it again, and again, and Bellamy was telling people not to intervene, but... someone should intervene anyway! "Octavia," Jasper said, and caught Bellamy's look to him that he shouldn't intervene either. He ignored it. "Octavia, stop!"

Before he thought about it, he threw himself between the two siblings, holding his hands in front of his face in case she decided he needed the same treatment Bellamy did for getting involved. "You don't want to do this!" he said, his heart racing as he prepared to get hit. She looked like she was about to shove him out of the way when he desperately added, "I understand where you're at, and this doesn't help!" Tackling Macallan hadn't helped, and Macallan wasn't his brother. Briefly, Jasper had wished he could tear Monty, the closest thing he had to a sibling, apart, but he knew he never could in reality. Tears welled up in his eyes as he said it, but he could see her deflate, slowly lowering her fists.

After a moment, the others ushered Octavia out of the cave. Jasper scowled at them. Great. Fantastic time to get involved. After Jasper already risked a broken nose.

He stood there with his back to Bellamy for several long moments, trying to catch his breath as his heart raced, and then he finally turned around and looked at Bellamy, who's face was coated in blood. He sighed heavily and pulled a cloth and a flask out of his pockets and put them in front of Bellamy. "That's water," he said, gesturing at the flask, knowing everyone would expect moonshine from him these days.

He walked away to the other side of the cave and sat down against the wall, staring away from Bellamy at nothing in particular.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Every strike that Octavia had given him, was nothing . . . compared to the pain of her words. You're dead to me she had said. For most of his life, his sister was the center of his universe. The one person he would protect no matter the cost. He would do anything to make her happy and now, he was the reason she was devastated. He never meant for it to happen. He never meant for any of this to happen. But . . . that all seemed irrelevant. She blamed him, and now, he had lost her. His face throbbed with the pain of each blow but it was numbed by the breaking of his heart. He never thought he would lose Octavia. Not like this. And today, he discovered that he lost his brother of heart too. For Lincoln was one of his closest friends, and he was dead. When Octavia had started hitting him, Bellamy had told the others not to intervene. He deserved it. He deserved to die for it, but Jasper had stepped in between and part of Bellamy feared the consequence of that.

Octavia did stop however, ushered out of the cave, leaving Jasper and Bellamy alone. Bellamy was looking at the ground in front of him, tears on his cheeks. Not from the assault but from her words. Words that would haunt him, just like the deaths of those he had murdered. Lincoln could be added to the list. Bellamy knew the loss of a loved one; for he had lost Gena. But it was not something to try and express his empathy and understanding toward others for.

He supposed that he, Jasper and Octavia no longer just had the fact that they'd all lost loved ones in common . . . but another commonality was that Bellamy was the reason that Gena, Maya and Lincoln were all dead. He didn't glance at the water at first, Jasper's words belatedly processing in Bellamy's mind. After a few moments, he slowly looked to Jasper before his eyes fell to the flask. He reached for it, his hands still bound but he didn't care at this point. He felt like he was moving underwater. Like all the life had been sucked out of him. He was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of failing.

Putting a small amount of the water on the cloth -- not wanting to waste it -- Bellamy just looked at the fabric, staring into nothingness before gently dabbing away the wet blood on his face.It was difficult with the chains, but not impossible. He sniffed a little before speaking.  "Monty ins't safe there." Monty had been following Bellamy's lead. He had asked him whether they should protect Miller and Harper. And though he had informed him of Kane being at the gate with Pike . . . Bellamy knew that in his absence, Monty would be in severe danger.

He was well aware of the strain Monty and Jasper's relationship had taken, but right now . . . there was still a lot at stake. It had been what he tried to tell Octavia, but to no avail. "They have my radio," Bellamy continued in a low voice. Octavia had taken it from him after she drugged him. "There's a safe line." Knowledge that Bellamy was sharing with Jasper because maybe, just maybe, the fact that Jasper was the only one to intervene on Bellamy's behalf . . . meant that he was perhaps the only one who didn't despise him. Even though he had every reason to.

[Deleted]

Jasper didn't look over at Bellamy until he mentioned Monty. Bellamy was worried about Monty right now, after his sister had just tried to pulverize his face. Typical. "Monty and Pike seemed pretty cozy, last I saw," Jasper said. Monty had sided with Pike, just as Bellamy had. Along with Monroe, and Bryan, and Monty's mother, who had been like a second mother to Jasper growing up. But this world had changed her too, just like it did everyone. Truthfully, Jasper didn't know which side he would have taken, had anyone asked him. The Grounders had never done anything but hurt him. He was inclined to agree with Pike where they were concerned, though Jasper thought Pike's methods were... morally questionable.

But neither Pike's people or the resistance had asked Jasper's opinion, and Jasper had been more than okay with slipping under the radar of both factions. He'd fought enough. He'd needed to heal.

But Bellamy was here now, chained up, and Jasper didn't have any reason to not believe Bellamy when he said Monty was in danger. He shouldn't care. Monty had made his bed. But Jasper cared anyway. He watched Bellamy for a moment, struggling a little trying to wipe his face, then he sighed and walked back over to him, kneeling in front of Bellamy and taking the cloth from him. "What changed?" he asked, starting to wipe he blood away for Bellamy as gently as he could.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy didn't struggle against Jasper taking the cloth and starting to wipe his face. The older male's gaze just fell to the ground, feeling more lifeless than ever before. Not flinching, not even feeling any sort of physical pain. Jasper asked him what changed. And even if they hadn't told them their plan, Bellamy knew that a few assumptions could be made. "I'm not there to protect him." Like he had Kane, Miller and Harper. Kane had given him all the evidence Pike had needed to arrest him, but Bellamy had kept it to himself. It wasn't until they all revealed themselves, attempting to kidnap Pike, that it was out of Bellamy's hands. He hadn't expected Charles to execute them . . . but he was beyond that now. He had tried to help. He knew he could have gotten them out, gotten the other grounders out.

But they had denied him that. And Octavia placed the blame at his feet. "There is no way the plan would have worked without Monty's involvement. With everyone gone, Pike is going to know." Bellamy and Monty were closely affiliated, so with Bellamy's absence -- along with Miller and Harper -- hell, it wasn't difficult to piece together. They wouldn't have been successful in their plan had Monty not intervened. And even if he didn't, Pike would be too paranoid to let him off the hook. "Channel 7," Bellamy added. "It's a safe line." For the two of them to contact each other. But since Bellamy didn't have his radio, and right now Jasper seemed like the only one willing to listen, well, he had to offer what help he could. For Monty's sake.

[Deleted]

Jasper kept dabbing at Bellamy's face as he talked, listening to what he was saying. His heart was sinking. Surely Hannah would protect her son, wouldn't she? Hannah was still in camp, as far as Jasper knew. But then... even given their history, with Jasper having almost been a second son, Hannah hadn't seemed to give a crap about Jasper on the ground. She hadn't spoken to him once. Maybe she cared more abut Pike's mission than her biological son. Jasper clenched his jaw and shook his head. "Crap," he said through his teeth. "Hold this here," he said, pressing the cloth to one of the deeper wounds that didn't seem to want to stop bleeding. When Bellamy took it, Jasper went outside and looked at the group, trying to decide which one of them would care the most about Monty.

His gaze flicked between Harper, Miller and Sinclair. "You guys need to get Monty out of there," he told them. "Channel seven on the radio." He waited until he was sure they were going to do it, then went back into the cave. "They're getting him," he told Bellamy. Jasper wouldn't know how to get Monty out of danger right now if he wanted to. He wasn't sure where they were exactly. He had to trust other people who cared about Monty right now.

This time when he sat, he sat next to Bellamy, shoulder to shoulder with him, though not touching him. Jasper knew he'd never seen Bellamy looks so deflated. Defeated. Broken. Jasper wasn't sure what he needed right now, and he wasn't sure he could be what Bellamy needed either, but he would try. Bellamy always tried for him. After a few moments of silence, Jasper started talking, his voice low, almost no inflection. "I wanted to do what she did. To Monty. I wanted to hurt him. He's not blood, but he's my brother. And I couldn't." He hadn't admitted this to anyone. For a moment, he wasn't sure why he was admitting it at all, until it hit him, adding, "No one deserves that."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy took the cloth that Jasper extended to him and watched him hurry out of the cave. Thank god someone was willing to do something. The others had no idea what was happening in Arkadia. They had no idea the lengths that Bellamy and even Monty had gone through to protect them. This was why Bellamy had wanted to go. So that they could get everyone out that was in danger, not just a select few. But he couldn't change any of that now. All he could do was sit here and wait.

He continued to clean what he could of the blood, though didn't really care about it. Octavia had already marked him. Every cut, bruise and scar a reminder of what he had done. An impossible to hide mask of misdeeds and guilt. When Jasper returned, he sat next to Bellamy, relief spreading through the older male that they were going to go get him. How, Bellamy didn't know.

But his begging to help hadn't worked before. He wasn't naive enough to believe that it would help now. Bellamy's gaze remained fixated on the ground, taking in Jasper's words of how he had wanted to do this . . . but couldn't. He stated that no one deserved this, but Bellamy knew that wasn't true. Jasper was the only one who believed it; every one else believed that Bellamy deserved what he was given. How could he deny it? How could he assume otherwise? How could he truly believe it?

"You can, with me." Somehow living was so much more difficult now. He couldn't help but wonder -- and fear -- just how far his sister would have gone had she not been stopped. He wanted to give Jasper that outlet if he needed it. If he wanted it. "Maybe I do." He knew that the maybe was not relevant. He did deserve it. "So many people are dead because they trusted me." He felt his eyes stinging with tears once more. "You shouldn't have stopped it," he breathed, sniffing again, as he shook his head a little. While deep, deep down somewhere, there was gratitude for his defending of Bellamy. But his heart was overpowered by pain. And he felt like this was his true breaking point.

[Deleted]

Jasper huffed an unhappy laugh at Bellamy's offer that Jasper could beat him up instead, that maybe he deserved it. No one deserved it. The punishment for murder, genocide even, wasn't to get beaten half to death by the people you hurt. Jasper had come close with Monty. When Monty threw a bucket of water in his face. Jasper had fuzzy, drunken memories of screaming in rage before slamming Monty into the rover. And fuzzy, drunken memories of the look on Monty's face stopping him from going any further.

"If I wanted you beat up, I wouldn't have risked my own face," he said. He didn't argue that many people had died because of Bellamy. But in Mount Weather, Bellamy had followed Clarke's lead. In Arkadia, when Bellamy helped kill that army, he'd been following the lead of the Chancellor. Whether that was morally right or wrong didn't matter.

He looked over at Bellamy, hearing his sniffles, seeing the unshed tears in his eyes. "A lot of people died because of things you participated in. A lot of people lived because of you, too." Sure, the deaths outweighed the lives saved, but it wasn't all on Bellamy's shoulders as much as he believed. Jasper let out an unhappy sigh and reached over to rest his hand on Bellamy's forearm.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy couldn't deny that he'd been concerned Octavia would strike Jasper when he intervened. He felt like he didn't know his sister anymore. He didn't know what she had become . . . what the Grounders influence had truly done to her. She had never been violent, not until she became Indra's second. It scared him. And he knew now that in a way, he was scared of his own sister. He continued to listen to Jasper remind him that a lot of people lived because of him . . . but he could find no comfort in the words anymore. "It's not good enough." His actions never were. To save those he did, others had to die in their place. They were in a constant war, and there would always be causalities. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling Jasper's hand on his forearm, the gesture prompting another tear to roll down his cheek.

The last person who'd offered him any form of physical comfort . . . was Pike. It left the male now conflicted, being forced to choose a side and neither one wanting him on it. Jasper of all people should hate him. But he was offering him comfort, and Bellamy just loathed himself more for it. He slowly opened his eyes, taking in the younger male's hand on him . . . selfishly taking in the feeling of touch that was not met with anger or hatred. "Thank you," Bellamy breathed, knowing that as much as he deserved the beating . . . he couldn't let Jasper's actions go unacknowledged. "For not giving up on me." Like the others who watched clearly had. He knew he deserved it but . . . the fact that there was still one person who could look at him, who could touch him, who could see the humanity in him . . . well, there was a deep appreciation for that, deep within Bellamy's broken heart.

[Deleted]

Jasper listened to Bellamy's words. He could understand why Bellamy felt like he hadn't saved enough lives to make up for those that had died. There were so many dead. And Jasper couldn't think of any argument against Bellamy's words, so he stayed silent until Bellamy thanked him for not giving up on him. "You didn't give up on me," he said. Clarke ran away from everyone immediately. Monty had reached his breaking point with Jasper and left him at the dropship after they fought. While it was true that Bellamy and Jasper had been operating in different circles recently, not interacting much, Jasper never felt a distinct disconnect moment when it came to Bellamy. Bellamy was busy with Pike, but he hadn't cut Jasper off.

His eyes prickled after a moment with a memory. "You were the only one..." He swallowed hard, his own tears spilling over his lids. "You were the only one who respected Maya." He's shouted at Monty that Maya had been his friend, but he never really had been. The words had come out of his mouth in a moment of distress, but they weren't true. Monty had told Maya to die at one point, with zero hesitation. Jasper wiped his face with his sleeve and gave in to the urge inside him to offer Bellamy more comfort by leaning over and resting his head against Bellamy's shoulder.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Jasper's words of Bellamy not giving up on him, meant more to the older male than he could express. While he didn't do what he did for reciprocity, he knew the others didn't share the same sentiment as Jasper did. Despite Bellamy's attempts to show his loyalty to those he cared about . . . to show that he would fight to protect them, to show that he would never give up on them . . . they had given up on him. Kane, his sister, those who watched. All except Jasper it seemed. And while Bellamy once again was faced with the harsh truth that he didn't deserve it, he couldn't help but feel the emotion that went along with his words. It was almost enough to bring another tear to his eyes, but he somehow managed to restrain himself. At least for now.

He swallowed, clenching his jaw when Jasper spoke of Maya; of how he had been the only one to respect her. Clarke had told Bellamy about Maya, which was why he knew who she was the moment she saved his life. But, she hadn't sounded like a big fan of her. That, was something Bellamy couldn't understand, nor something he was in a position to question. He knew that speaking of her could backfire right now, it could trigger Jasper's anger. But . . . he also wanted Jasper to know just how much he valued the woman. And how much it killed him to do what he did, having gotten to know her. Having known all she did for them; all the others had done too. And also died for it. That, was something that Clarke nor Monty understood.

In a way, Bellamy was relieved that they too didn't have to suffer the pain of earning the trust of the others, of interacting with the children . . . and then killing them. It was a burden that he bore. He slightly leaned his head toward Jasper's that was now comfortably on his shoulder. "She was an amazing woman," Bellamy stated, his voice low but thick with sincerity. "A natural born revolutionary." He wished he could bring her back. He'd give his life in an instant, in exchange for hers, and the other innocents in Mount Weather to have lived. Just like he wished he could exchange places with Lincoln; if only to see his sister smile. "If I could switch places with her . . . I would." He would have given his life for her, for the others, if he could. Because they deserved to live far more than he did.

[Deleted]

Jasper felt a little comforted when Bellamy leaned his head slightly toward his, and felt his eyes prickle as Bellamy spoke about Maya, but when Bellamy finished, Jasper immediately said, "Don't say that." Jasper knew Bellamy was being honest. He would trade his life for Maya's. For any of them. Hell, he had literally traded himself for Jasper when Jasper witnessed Murphy killing Myles. Murphy had no real reason to kill Jasper and give up his leverage, but he did have reason to kill Bellamy. And Bellamy was smart enough to know that, but he'd traded himself anyway.

But now? In spite of their honesty, those words felt hollow. It didn't matter what any of the three people in that control room wished they could change, what happened had happened. "It doesn't change anything."

Jasper closed his eyes and took a few slow breaths. He hadn't tensed necessarily, but his heart had sped up. It wasn't until it started to slow again that he spoke again. "We'd all be dead without her. Every single one of us." He wasn't sure why he was talking about her. He hadn't really talked about her much to anyone else over the last few months. But he somehow doubted Bellamy wanted to talk about Octavia right now.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy meant his words, but also knew that Jasper was right. It didn't change anything. Maya was still dead. Lincoln was still dead. Gena was still dead. They all were. No matter how willing Bellamy was to switch places with them . . . he couldn't. He had an undeserved life. He remained silent when Jasper spoke of how they would all be dead if it wasn't for sure. Words filled with the utmost truth. Bellamy had even told Clarke as such. He wanted her to know that; that Maya had saved them all. Her death, wasn't even a sacrifice. They had worked to save her to, taking her down the chute so that she could breathe.

She hadn't willingly given her life for them, despite the risks she took. No. Bellamy had pulled that lever and killed her. Murdered the unsuspecting savior. "She saved me from the harvest chamber." Bellamy hadn't told anyone what happened to him in Mount Weather. Except for when it was absolutely necessary -- perhaps only when he was receiving medical treatment following the return to what was Camp Jaha at the time. It hadn't been important what happened to him inside.

Getting harvested had not been part of the plan, and Maya had been the one to save him. It didn't know if it would make things easier or worse but Bellamy felt compelled to tell Jasper. "She was willing to kill the guard, to save me." Bellamy had told her not to shoot because they would have heard the gun shot. But the determination in her indicated that she would have done it. To save him. To save them all. "I knew who she was right away." She had known he was an Arker, and he had known she was Maya. An almost immediate trust developed between them. One that grew. And one that Bellamy had betrayed.

[Deleted]

When Bellamy said Maya saved him from the harvest chamber, Jasper pulled back to look at him, surprised. He didn't know where Maya had found Bellamy. He hadn't asked questions. Everything happened so fast, and then Jasper had fallen apart too quickly to wonder about things like that. His expression on Bellamy's face was tired and sad. But Bellamy went on that she'd been willing to kill a guard for him, and Jasper huffed. If he were able to laugh, it might have been one. "That doesn't surprise me," he said.

"The first day Clarke got released into the general population, Maya almost had to kill her. I couldn't believe--" he started, then choked up as tear slid down his face. He sniffed a few times, wiping his cheeks and forced himself to finish. "I couldn't believe the pretty girl who shared her cake with me could handle a gun that was almost bigger than her." His face crumpled and he lowered his head, sniffling as tears fell from his lashes. After the fact, knowing it ended well and no one died in that altercation, it was actually a fond memory of Maya. The tiny, adorable girl he thought was cute had also turned out to be a baddass willing to do what she had to to defend her people. In that moment, he knew he didn't just have a crush on her, but he respected her too.

Jasper wondered again why he was talking about her. He'd been defying anyone to bring her up around him for months. He didn't want her name in anyone's mouth. It hurt to talk about her now, but in a different way than it did before. Jasper sniffled a few more times, then lifted his head again. "Where you harvested? Or just... thrown in a cage?" he asked, his voice still cracking.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Jasper explain the first day of Clarke's release in Mount Weather. Another sore subject for the two of them, but they seemed to be discussing it relatively calmly. Thick with emotion and tears yes, but they were not lashing out at each other. Bellamy didn't want to upset Jasper. He had even tentatively brought up Maya but now that they were talking about it . . . he hoped it was a way that the younger male could channel his emotions. To talk about it, if it would help rather than rely on a bottle. Or sex. Both of which he had previously done with Bellamy in the early days after Mount Weather. But it made his heart ache to see his friend choking on his words, to see the tears falling from his eyes. Knowing there was nothing he could do to help. Even more aware of the fact that he was the reason for his tears.

"I didn't know much about her," Bellamy began. An offer, for Jasper to tell him if he wanted to; if he wanted to talk about it, about her. "But from what I did know, I respected her. It was hard not to." Bellamy swallowed, hating what it had gotten her. But he did respect her, and respect was always to be earned. Not demanded. He also couldn't understand the dislike for the woman. Bellamy doubted that what she had done for their people, was limited to saving him and everything that came after. He was fairly certain she did more before he even got there. "She deserved better. A lot of them did." Words that could just trigger Jasper's anger . . . but Bellamy felt the need to say it, even if he knew he didn't have a right to. Jasper's last question was one that Bellamy had never really answered before.

Then again, he had already revealed where he had been when Maya found him. There was no need to further withhold the truth. "I was first put in the cage. Then harvested." Technically he first underwent decontamination, which was more painful than anything else. He had been harvested, in effort to protect Echo. Part of it had been a reason -- a way -- to get out. But the other, the bigger reason, was that he let himself get harvested, so that she didn't. Hell of a thanks he got, not that he expected it from her. "If Maya hadn't come in and stopped it . . . none of us would be alive." Because the entire plan would have failed, more than it had already.

[Deleted]

Jasper listened as Bellamy talked, sniffing as few times as his eyes went glassy, but not crying again. Not yet, anyway. He wondered if he ought to be focusing more on what had just happened to Bellamy than on his own trauma, but Bellamy seemed to want Jasper to talk about Maya, if he wanted to, and that was just... so Bellamy. The night he'd shown up at Bellamy's quarters, drunk and looking for sex, Jasper had gotten frustrated at Bellamy's selflessness and snarked at him that he wasn't customer service and Jasper wasn't a client. Jasper wanted to know more about the harvesting too, but he knew he shouldn't ask. People didn't usually talk about the worst things they'd been through. That would be like someone asking Jasper what it had been like to almost die of infection. Or what it felt like to be irradiated with Maya's blood pumping through his body (or what it felt like after the painkillers wore off, anyway). So instead of asking about the harvesting, Jasper just rested his head back on Bellamy's shoulder again, closing his eyes.

"She was smart. And so brave," Jasper said quietly. His eyes were closed, but he felt them prickle anyway. "When they... they targeted her... to get to me... she figured it out." Did Bellamy even know about this? That Jasper had filtered her blood through his body to save her life? Jasper knew he hadn't told Bellamy, but someone else might have. God, the Mountain Men hit the jackpot with Jasper falling in love with Maya. Jasper wasn't sure any of the other delinquents would have done what he did, but then Jasper had been the only one to really try to integrate into their society fully. "She knew that because what I did worked, it wouldn't be long before we were all in trouble. She... told me and Monty everything." And Monty had told her to die. Jasper stomach twisted at the memory. "Everything we did, from that point on... trying to contact camp, everything... she made it possible." She'd disabled security cameras, got them into places they otherwise couldn't have accessed, and watched out for them. And now Jasper knew she'd saved Bellamy's life too. As much as Jasper wanted her back for selfish reason, to hold her and kiss her again, he couldn't help but think how much of an asset she would have been to have in their community had she survived. "I owed her everything," he said after a long pause, tears trickling out through his closed eyes. "But I wasn't fast enough," he finished, his voice cracking.

Tag: Bellamy Blake