Wounds That May Never Heal

[Deleted]

Everything hurt after the City of Light went dark. Not just physically, though that was significant--Jackson hadn't been injured, but how long had his body been going without sleep? How had he--any of them--managed to climb that tower? But the emotional toll was worse. Jackson and Abby were still barely speaking after a couple of weeks, except for what they needed to say to work together. Jackson was too ashamed of what he'd done to her. To all of Arkadia.

Jackson was sterilizing some equipment at the end of the day--there had been a rash of nasty infections due to chipped people not taking care of any wounds they'd sustained--when he heard someone come in. He turned to see Kane in the doorway. He only looked at his face long enough to confirm who it was before looking away. It was hard to look at anyone. He remembered smiling as Kane came into Polis. Greeting Kane and Pike as chancellors, and the confusion of Kane's face that Jackson seemed so at ease, smiling, having just been sitting under someone hanging from a cross.

He remembered smiling as Kane chucked the chip Jaha gave him across the courtyard. Jackson hadn't been worried. He knew they would eventually get Kane. Just like Jackson had gotten Abby.

He stared at Kane's bandaged wrists for a few moments, then said, "Don't tell me yours are infected too," referencing Kane's crucifixion wounds without looking up.

Tag: Marcus Kane

[Marcus Kane]

salvation comes at a price Thankfully the pain that his body felt did begin to fade. The pain from hid mind however, was taking longer to go away. In the mornings when Marcus stood up, he felt his body protest. Even still weeks later, everything was stiff and hurt. It was becoming less and less so, but it was still taking more time then Marcus had wanted. He had had a brace made by one of the engineers for his wrist, and had been wearing them for a few weeks. Now he was going to the medical bay to have them checked over and to see if it was time to start going through the day with out them, and building strength in them once again. As he entered he saw Jackson working, and when Jackson looked up and spoke, Kane only shoot his head. "Just getting them checked on to make sure they don't." He was ready to try to start building up his ability to do everything he use too. Everything but sleep it seemed, because he still struggled with that.

[Deleted]

"Of course." Jackson nodded and gestured for Kane to come sit on one of the examination tables, and when he did, Jackson followed and stood in front of him as he started to take off one of the braces on his wrists so he could examine the wound underneath. He still couldn't quite look Kane in the eyes. He wondered, often, how his exhausted body could climb that tower, but the question was even more bothersome when it came to people who'd been crucified. How had they're hands and wrists not given out on them during the climb?

He got one brace off and started to unwrap the wound, which needed to be re-dressed. "Other than the wrists, are you having any other trouble I need to look at?" He glanced up briefly before starting to examine Kane's wrist. Kane looked tired. Maybe Kane was dreaming about the things he'd done chipped, just like Jackson had been when he was able to sleep.

Tag: Marcus Kane

[Marcus Kane]

salvation comes at a price Marcus moved to sit down, so Jackson could properly look at this wrist. He wasn't looking forward to trying to build up strength in them again, as he knew it was hard work and sometimes painful, but he was looking forward to getting back to normal. He hated weakness in himself, and would not tolerate it if he had the ability to control it. That was something in his father had instilled in him. While Marcus hated the man, the echos of his time with him was evident in the man he was today. "No, just these, everything else is healing well," it wasn't a complete lie. These were the only things that Marcus could admit too. He watched Jackson tend to his wrist, while thinking back to how they had gotten glimpses into each other's minds while connected to ALIE. Not like, darkest secrets, but more open communication. He knew that Jackson had climbed up the tower with him, and that there had been other minor injuries, but thankfully the man had not died in the assault on the throne room. ALIE had known that Abby wouldn't be able to really hurt Jackson, so she had used him for that frontal assault. Marcus knew all too well how the memories of that day still hunted him, which propped him to ask, "And yourself, Jackson? How are you holding up since Polis?"

[Deleted]

Jackson nodded when Kane said these were his only injuries that needed to be looked at, noting that his wrists were healing well. There was no signs of infection, and Jackson knew from the first time he'd looked at Kane's wrists that there had been no damage to Kane's ulna or radius bones that needed to heal. The spike had gone straight through the middle of them.

He moved on to Kane's other hand, unfastening the brace, drawing a deep breath at Kane's question. He still wasn't looking at Kane's face. "I've just been working," he said at first. There was so much too that answer that he didn't now if Kane really even wanted to hear. So much that Kane might be dealing with as well, even if he didn't offer that when Jackson asked if he was having any other trouble.

Jackson didn't generally open up abut himself, not easily. Not after his mother had died. Abby had somehow worked her way into his heart, even though he held most others at arm's length. But after what they'd all done, after they'd all been a part of the Alie hive mind, maybe it didn't matter. "My muscles don't feel like they're on fire any more, so that's something," he admitted. Admitting to the physical aftereffects was easier than the emotional. He'd been chipped longer than Kane, maybe running around without sleep longer, but Jackson suspected the burn in his muscles was largely caused by climbing that tower, which Kane might have felt too.

Tag: Marcus Kane

[Marcus Kane]

salvation comes at a price Marcus watched as Jackson switched hands while talking. Taking the weight of his hand in his wrist hurt like hell, but Marcus didn't give a sign other then to inhale deeply while adjusting. Jackson was walking about how his muscles didn't burn anymore, and Marcus could relate. They both had climbed that tower together, and looking up at it on the way out, Marcus had wondered how he had not fallen to his death. The steps to get down alone had been one of the post painful steps he had taken. "I am at least grateful that she had the knowledge to make sure we didn't fall during that," he muttered in a low voice, more annoyingly grateful then happily pleased. It was hard to think of that without feeling like he was back there and could fall. Then there had been no fear, and he had not even blinked at such a feat--now he had come to fear the thought of being too high. Abby had turned out to be his weak point, but he knew now that if it happened again he needed to try to fight hard to stop it. Before it spread too far. Which made him wonder; "I don't think I asked how she got you to take the chip," Marcus asked; knowing that some took it willingly before they knew what they were really giving up.

[Deleted]

"I think we got lucky," Jackson replied to Kane's comments about climbing the tower. There were people who had fallen. People whose bodies had just given out, whether or not they felt the pain of it. "If you can call that luck." Was it lucky they'd survived the climb so that they could attempt to hurt their loved ones? Alie knew the weaknesses of the people in the throne room. There was a reason she'd sent Jackson running at Abby and Kane at Bellamy. She knew Abby and Bellamy would have a harder time killing either of them.

When Kane said he hadn't asked how Alie got Jackson to take the chip, Jackson's hands froze in what he was doing, and he just stared at Kane's wound for a moment. Kane didn't know. He didn't expect Kane to know from having been connected under Alie's influence--it served no purpose to Alie for them to know each others secrets--but he'd though Abby might've said something in the last couple weeks. Then again, maybe Abby was so disgusted with Jackson she didn't even want to say his name.

God, could he admit to what he'd done? Was there any point in not admitting it? "She didn't," he said finally. After another moment, he finally looked up at Kane and held his gaze this time, for the first time since he'd walked into medical. He had to see how Kane reacted to the statement he was about to make. Even if Kane judged him for it, he deserved it. "I asked for it."

Tag: Marcus Kane

[Marcus Kane]

salvation comes at a price Jackson seemed to hesitate from Kane's question, and Marcus looked up at the younger man's face. He clearly was affected by the question, and Marcus wanted if he had over stepped in asking it. Though Jackson did look up to meet his gaze and Marcus felt himself surprised by the answer. "I asked for it." Marcus didn't often react when surprised, but this time his brows furrowed in slight confusion. He wished he knew more about Jackson to understand why he would have asked for it, but sadly Kane had never really taken notice of anyone who hadn't directly stood in his way at some point. Jackson was Abby's co-worker. He hadn't really known more about him other then that he was strongly loyal to Griffin, and very good at his job. Unmarried. Marcus hadn't needed to know more while on the Ark. Now, he wondered if Jackson had lost family either on the Ark or down here. "In the early days of this, then?" It wasn't a complete question, since most volunteers had done so in the beginning before everyone knew what they gave up. "Why did you ask for it?" There was more confusion then any judgment in his tone; as Marcus knew that there were only two reasons someone took the chip. They were trying to forget their pain, or trying to escape their demons.

[Deleted]

Jackson nodded once when Kane asked if he'd taken the chip early. He hadn't jumped at the opportunity as soon as Jaha had arrived in camp, but he'd taken it before Raven, after several people he'd treated for chronic problems seemed miraculously healed. He'd gone to talk to Jaha to try to understand what was happening to his patients, and over the course of an hour, he'd somehow let Jaha convince him to take the chip too. He knew now that Alie had seen potential in him due to his proximity to Abby, and had manipulated the conversation, but he hadn't known that at the time.

At least Kane seemed confused instead of judgmental. It made sense. Jackson knew he flew under most people's radar's, and he'd gotten very good over the years at closing himself off, working through pain. "I thought it could make me a better doctor if I couldn't feel pain," he said, which was the truth, but not the extent of things. He looked back down at Kane's wrist again, because it was easier not to look at people these days. "Being one of two doctors in a war zone, when the other doctor also has politics to deal with, takes it's toll," he said, starting to re-dress Kane's wound. "And there were plenty of things I wanted to forget." His mother's death. Abby almost being floated, and being publicly shocklashed. All the people who died in Mount Weather just because Jackson had convinced Abby to take Nyko there for blood.

He huffed an unhappy laugh. "Ironically, the thing I took to forget gave me a whole slew of even worse memories." Jackson wasn't sure why he was being open about this, but after they'd all shared the experience of the City of Light, he thought maybe Kane would understand. Then guilt punched Jackson in the gut. He didn't deserve understanding. He didn't deserve to vent. The fall of Arkadia was on him. He set the worst of it in motion. He cleared his throat and started re-dressing Kane's other wrist. "These are healing well, but I don't think you're ready for physical therapy yet."

Tag: Marcus Kane

[Marcus Kane]

salvation comes at a price Jackson's reasons made logical sense. Marcus could follow it without needed to overly imagine what it is like. Doctors saw the worst of things here sometimes. They would see every death sooner or later. He stayed silent while Jackson spoke, not wanting to cut him off, so he had a chance to express himself. Jackson diverted the subject when he was done, by talking about Marcus' wrist. They had hurt while Jackson had tended them, but Marcus had kept this flinching down to just breathing slowly to manage the tenderness. He was starting to think he had a low tolerance for pain. Lifting his hand up he rested it on Jackson's forearm for a moment, but couldn't quite squeeze it in comfort. Instead he slowly lowered it while he spoke. "What happened while you were under her control, was ALIE and not you. We all did things that we would never even think about while in our own minds. She didn't just tell us what we wanted to hear, she took away who we were." Marcus paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts before speaking again, "Your humanity makes you a better person, Jackson, and a better doctor. If you don't value life, you wont take the same risks."

[Deleted]

Jackson actually sucked in a breath when Kane touched him. He was used to touching people for his work, but there were few people who ever touched him back, especially in a was meant to be comforting. And Kane wasn't someone he expected comfort from, but maybe the City of Light had changed him too. Jackson glanced at Kane's hand on him for a moment, then went back to Kane's wrist.

Jackson listened to Kane as he spoke. He wasn't sure he completely agreed with it. He'd heard many people make this argument, but Jackson couldn't accept it fully. He knew it was his guilt and grief that wouldn't allow himself to accept it, wouldn't allow himself any forgiveness or excuses. "She didn't take away who I was. She took away my pain, and my priorities changed as a result." Jackson swallowed hard, his eyes not meeting Kane's. "I was so... happy," he said. For the first time since his mother died, it had been the first time he'd really been happy, with no ifs or buts. "I was so sure we were doing the right thing." He shook his head and picked up one of Kane's braces to put it back on.

Tag: Marcus Kane

[Marcus Kane]

salvation comes at a price "She didn't." Marcus countered, "At first she might have kept you who you are, but you did he bidding, Jackson. She controlled you. She did it too all of us. You never would have lied to your friends, or hurt people, or do any of what you did without her in your head. She made us forget who we were. Jaha didn't remember his own son's name. Abby hung herself, to make her daughter talk. That is not who she was. Even if her priorities changed, that wasn't who we were." It was a long speech, but Marcus wanted him to know that he wasn't at fault for what he had done. None of them were. Marcus sat there while Jackson put on his brace, and he hated to admit they felt better with the brace on. The brace supported him, and he was able to relax his muscles. "The young man I know, cared about saving people, and no matter what his priorities were, wouldn't have done harm to them . . . That's the man you are, Jackson. Don't let guilt tell you other wise."

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Jackson listened as Kane spoke. He'd heard this argument before. It was the way everyone who was chipped seemed to be coping with what they'd done, but Jackson felt like what most people had done paled in comparison to what he had done. This was the first time in his life that he'd ever really had to question his own morality. He had done morally questionable things before, but he'd always been doing those things under the authority of those in charge. This was the first time the things he'd done that made him question his own humanity had been born out of something he did in his own self interest.

When Kane started to talk about the young man he knew, telling Jackson who he was, who he had been, Jackson looked up at him. "I handed Raven the scalpel she used to slit her wrists," he said, as calmly as he could, though he could feel his eyes prickle. "I knew how to get Abby. She's the closest thing I have to a mother, and I manipulated her. And that's how Arkadia fell. I knew how to get Abby, and once we had her, Arkadia didn't stand a chance." He paused for a moment, ignoring the glassiness of his eyes, then said, "Do you have no guilt? Because if the answer is anything but no, you can't convince me either."

Tag: Marcus Kane