Cut Off

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'I don't even need a whole bottle. Just give me a glass.'

'You got a problem, Jasper.'

'Float you, Sinclair!'

No shit, Jasper had a problem. Everyone knew Jasper had a problem. Jasper knew Jasper had a problem. That didn't mean Sinclair had to say it, though.

Jasper stormed out of the bar and into camp, wondering what the hell he was going to do. He couldn't sleep without the alcohol, and when he did, it wasn't restful. He couldn't shut his brain up when he was awake. He wondered if he could scrounge together enough scraps to make hooch on his own, like he had occasionally on the Ark, but that would take days to ferment, and wouldn't stop the way his hands were shaking now.

He hoped shaking hands would be the worst of withdrawal, but it could only just be starting.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and stalked through camp, wondering what to do with this anxiety seizing his body in the absence of something to numb it. He wound up at a parked rover that wasn't currently in use and climbed inside, moving through it until he was settled on the roof were he could look over the gates and out into the trees.

He only looked out at them for a short time before he decided they weren't calming at all, and dropped his head into his hands. Everything was wrong, and Jasper couldn't fix it. Or escape it anymore.

[seren2]

Sinclair had been gathering together the alcohol at the bar when Jasper had approached him and requested a drink but Sinclair had refused to serve him, he wasn't a bartender and even if he wanted to give him what he wanted, they were rationing their resources and that included any alcohol that was inside Arkadia. Of course, even if he was a bartender, Sinclair wouldn't serve a kid as messed up as Jasper. The kid needed help, he didn't need more alcohol to numb him, numbing the pain was not the same as dealing with it and what Jasper really needed was to deal with his problems. When the boy had stormed out of the bar, Sinclair had stared after him for a while before going back to his job of locking up the alcohol where people wouldn't be able to get to it.

After he'd put the alcohol away, Sinclair had allowed his mind to wander back to Jasper. He hadn't really had a chance to get to know Jasper, the real Jasper that is. He hadn't really known him back on the ark as he'd grown up on Farm Station and then when Sinclair came to Earth with the rest of the surviving Arkers, Jasper had been in Mount Weather with the other kids. Mount Weather had changed him, he knew that much from stories the other kids told of what Jasper used to be like before being taken to the mountain. Heaving a sigh Sinclair ran a hand through his hair, he figured that he better go looking for the boy, he wasn't in the right frame of mind to be left alone at the moment and Sinclair wasn't somebody who could sit back and watch somebody who was suffering and Jasper was clearly suffering, fighting some internal battle and it looked as though he was losing.

It took the man a while to track down Jasper, he was about to give up on his search when by a stroke of luck he asked a couple of guards if they'd spotted the boy and they directed him towards the rover. Walking calmly over to the parked Vehicle, Sinclair rapped gently on the side of the rover with his knuckles to gain Jasper's attention. "Mind if I join you?" he asked, his voice gentle and relaxed to show that he hadn't come to cause trouble. He hadn't meant to upset the boy by refusing him the alcohol that he wanted, in fact he'd refused to serve him for his own good. Drinking wouldn't solve all of his problems, if anything it would just make things worse.

@jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting on the rover trying to breathe, but he was startled when someone rapped against the side of the vehicle. He jumped, and then leaned over the edge to see Sinclair looking up at him. Shit. He knew the older man wasn't a bartender. He didnt know much about Sinclair, but he knew Sinclair was an engineer just because he knew Monty had been recruited by him on the Ark. But he'd been upset when he was informed he'd been cut off, and blurted out what might have been a joke in any other context.

He stared at Sinclair for a moment, frowning, and then said, "You got booze?" His tone flat, making it clear he knew the other man wouldn't have alcohol. He sat back up and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I can't stop you."

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He heard the sound of someone start on top of the rover before Jasper peered over the edge and looked down at him and Sinclair couldn't help but notice that he didn't look pleased to see him. He rolled his eyes as Jasper asked him if he had any alcohol "you know I don't" he muttered as he climbed inside the rover and made his way up to sit on the roof beside Jasper. "I'm probably not your favourite person in the world right now" alcoholics didn't appreciate it when somebody cut them off from their supply and Jasper was an alcoholic. He was extremely young to be abusing alcohol but he was and Sinclair wanted to find out why.

"Why are you doing this to yourself Jasper?" he questioned him cautiously, aware that he probably didn't want anyone prying into his business. However, it was the responsibility of the adults in Arkadia to look out for the kids, especially those that didn't have parents and that was a high number of them now and surprisingly few adults seemed to care about Jasper's behaviour, nobody had tried to prevent him from drinking or if they had then they weren't doing a great job of it.

@jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper slouched forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together so they wouldn't shake. He propped his chin on his clasped hands. He didn't look at Sinclair as he sat beside him, but he rolled his eyes. "You can say that again," he muttered. But he really didn't have many favorite people these days. Monty had finally given up on him. Raven was acting weird. Octavia was deeply involved in whatever resistance was going on against Pike, but Jasper was staying well out of that. Bellamy was with Pike, and... well, he just couldn't talk to Bellamy, and that's all there was to it.

Jasper turned his head to glare at Sinclair. Well, it wasn't quite a glare. It also held a hint of incredulousness that Sinclair thought he could just start asking personal questions. "What do you care? You know my b--" He cut himself off from saying 'best friend'. Jasper wasn't sure they were anymore. He clenched his jaw because it was better than crying and turned his gaze forward again. "You don't know me."

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Jasper's hostility came as no surprise to Sinclair, but it didn't make the man any less willing to sit down and try to talk to the boy. In his eyes Jasper was just a messed up kid and talking about his problems to somebody who was actually willing to listen might be good for him. "Is it too hard to believe that I actually do care, Jasper?" he questioned the teenager with a frown. He knew that he wouldn't be able to help him if he didn't want his help and he hoped that Jasper would see that he meant well and was genuinely concerned about him.

There was some truth in Jasper's words, Sinclair didn't know him. He just knew what people had told him. "That's true... I don't know you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help you" since returning from Mount Weather, Sinclair had also noticed a change in Monty's behaviour and he knew that Jasper and Monty had once been friends. He didn't know why they were no longer speaking but he wondered if that was one of the reasons why Jasper had decided to drink himself to death.

@jasper420

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Jasper just huffed a breath at the idea that Sinclair cared. Sinclair was probably mistaking pity for care, and Jasper didn't want or need anyone's pity. Abby Griffin pitied him, and it was bad enough having Clarke's mother hovering.

When Sinclair said something about helping, Jasper let out a bitter laugh and scrubbed one of his hands over the top of his head. "You can't help me. No one can help me. I can't even help me," he blurted quickly, shaking his head. He rocked back and forth a couple times, just to expend some of the anxious energy in his body. "You could be a great engineer, but unless you can rewire my brain, it doesn't matter."


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Sinclair heaved a heavy sigh, he obviously wasn't getting anywhere with Jasper and it was frustrating how reluctant the boy was to accept help. "You are not beyond saving Jasper, you just have to want to get better, but you have to want it" he told him, watching as Jasper began to rock backwards and forwards. Sinclair wasn't a doctor but it was obvious that Jasper wasn't a healthy kid, but there wasn't much he could do if Jasper wouldn't let him help him.

Forcing a smile, Sinclair shook his head at Jaspers words. If it was possible he would rewire his brain, if that was what it took to help him and turn him back into the kid that his friends described him as then sure. "If only it were that simple" he sighed, shooting Jasper a sympathetic look that he probably didn't really want to see. "Have you thought about talking to your friends about how your feeling? The support of a friend can sometimes go a long way to helping you feel better" he hadn't seen Jasper interacting with his friends recently and he thought that maybe he would prefer to talk to a friend rather than a guy that he barely knew.

@jasper420

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Jasper was finding it increasingly hard to keep glaring at Sinclair. Not only was Sinclair still smiling at him in spite of Jasper's attempts to push him away, Jasper's body and mind were just tired. Sick and tired. He didn't have the energy to keep glaring at a man he barely knew that had nothing to do with what happened at Mount Weather.

"There isn't anyone," Jasper said, shaking his head. Well, there was Raven, but Jasper had a lot of questions for her after he'd seen Jaha forget his own son. He crossed his arms over himself. "I may have been drunk a lot, but I'm not blind. Monty and Bellamy are with Pike, which shouldn't shock anyone, considering they wiped out an entire civilization months ago; all my friends have taken sides, and no one is putting a gun in my hand these days." He held out his hand, watched it tremble slightly, then tucked it back under his arm. Everyone had learned their lesson about putting guns into the hands of unstable people with Finn, and while Jasper didn't want to hurt anyone, there were no guarantees he wouldn't hurt himself.

After a moment, mild panic hit him at what he'd just said. He didn't know what side Sinclair had picked. Sinclair could drag him in for treason for the simple implication that he would join the resistance to Pike if he were capable. Jasper looked over at Sinclair, holding his gaze for a long moment, probably a little wide-eyed, and muttered, "Forget everything I just said. I'm not a threat to anyone."


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Sinclair was surprised when Jasper spoke to him again, he wasn't blind but he had been drunk for the majority of the time and Sinclair hadn't expected him to notice what had been going on around Arkadia in recent days. He started to pick at the fabric of his shirt when Jasper mentioned Bellamy and Monty, Jasper was obviously still haunted by what happened in the mountain, by what his friends did. "Your not doing yourself any favours by pushing everyone away Jasper" he was aware that what happened at Mount Weather was horrible, innocent people including young children died but he also didn't think Jasper should necessarily blame his friends when it was possible that they would all be dead now if they hadn't pulled the lever to irradiate the mountain.

"Nobody is putting a gun in your hand for your own safety" Sinclair knew that handing a gun to a mentally unstable kid would just be asking for trouble, there was no telling what would happen, if he'd hurt people, if he'd hurt himself. "They don't want you to get hurt and they don't want other people to get hurt, I know you understand that" he didn't want to talk to Jasper as though he was a child who didn't understand things, he knew that Jasper understood why they were treating him the way that they were.

A moment later Sinclair noticed the look of panic on Jasper's face and for a few seconds he didn't know what caused the boys panic until he realised that it must've been because of what he'd said about Pike. "You don't have to worry about me reporting you Jasper" he reassured the teenager and he meant it. He wasn't one of Pike's supporters, from the moment they'd got to the ground he'd been loyal to Marcus Kane. Pike seemed to be making decisions that were ggoing to lead them into a war against the grounders and that was something Sinclair didn't want. They'd already lost too many people and although the grounders had never done them any favours, it looked as though they'd lose less people if they made peace than they would if they entered into a war that they couldn't possibly win.

@jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper tried not to roll his eyes when Sinclair explained why no one would give him a gun. He knew that already. But he relaxed when Sinclair said he wouldn't report him. So Sinclair must be resisting Pike too. Pike was a fascist. His followers might as well be too. If Sinclair had sided with Pike, Sinclair probably would send Jasper to lockup. Jasper looked the older man up and down once, then turned his gaze forward.

"I'm not pushing everyone away," he said. "I'm still sitting here with you, aren't I?" he added, his tone laced with sarcasm. He had been pushing people away. Most people. He wanted to be left alone so he could get pleasantly numb in peace, but that was over for now. He realized too late that he shouldn't have stormed away from the bar. He should have followed Sinclair to see where he'd locked up the booze. He probably could have picked the lock once Sinclair walked away. Although, if he wasn't careful, that could've landed him in lockup too.

"My point was that anyone I would even want to talk to is a little preoccupied at the moment. Or they hate me," he said, scrubbing a hand over his short hair. Monty probably hated him for sure now. Monty had never left him before, no matter what Jasper did. This time, Monty walked away. "Except Raven, but Raven... I don't know what's going on with her."

Tag: seren2

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The sarcasm was easily detectable in Jasper's voice and Sinclair knew that he should've expected it, Jasper wasn't going to make this conversation easy. "You're sitting here with me, but where are your friends? I know you wouldn't be sitting here with me if you had someone else to talk to" but the truth of the matter was that he didn't have anyone else to talk to, he'd decided to turn to drinking instead of allowing his friends to help him get through whatever battle he was facing in his head. It wasn't the smartest of decisions, but Sinclair knew that sometimes it was better to feel numb than to face all of the pain in your life.

"I don't think they hate you Jasper..." Sinclair told him, he knew that Jasper used to have a lot of friends, after everything that they'd been through together, he found it hard to believe that they could switch off their feelings and switch to hating Jasper. "I think they're just angry and maybe they're confused, they've been with you through all of this, they've seen the things that you've seen and experienced most of the things that you've experienced and none of them are falling apart or turning to alcohol to get through each day" everyone dealt with grief differently, that was a fact, but Sinclair didn't expect a group of traumatised kids to realise that or to understand.

Sinclair didn't know if he was irritating Jasper, he'd been able to talk to Raven about her problems but he knew Raven a hell of a lot better than he knew Jasper. "I don't know if you are interested in what I have to say, but I really want to help you and you can't push me away, I don't scare easy" he smiled at Jasper again and he hoped that what he was saying was getting through to the boy. "Raven has her own problems that she's dealing with, you know that... I don't think she's purposefully avoiding you" truthfully Sinclair hadn't sat down and spoken to Raven properly in a while, he'd been wrapped up in what had been going on with Pike, but he hadn't noticed anything weird going on with the girl, or maybe that was just him being unobservant.

@jasper420

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"Lucky them," Jasper said, a little bitterly. "Good thing none of them lost their soulmate. Good for them that they can go through this without falling apart. Good for them that they can sleep at night without drinking until they black out. That's great. But I can't turn it off," he said, voice raising as he emphasized his point by thumping his forehead gently with the inside of his clenched fist, then leaving it pressed to his head as he closed his eyes and drew a couple deep breaths, trying to calm down. "I don't know what it is, but something is wrong inside me," he added after a minute, managing not to cry, even when his voice wobbled.

He took a couple of steadying breaths again and dropped his hand, clasping both his hands together in his lap. He wondered if Sinclair knew what Raven had done. "Raven's not avoiding me. She didn't even get mad that I--" Spilled Finn's ashes, he barely stopped himself from saying. He shook his head. "She took Jaha's key. She's in a better place than I am." After realizing Jaha forgot his son, Jasper had questions for Raven. He wanted so badly to take that chip, but if it meant Maya being erased from his mind entirely, maybe it wasn't worth it. Jasper hadn't decided yet.

Tag: seren2

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Sinclair listened to Jasper as he seemed to fall apart in front of him, the quiver in his voice indicated that he was on the verge of tears and yet none fell. "There's nothing wrong in you Jasper... You're grieving, everything you're feeling is completely natural" everyone was affected differently when they lost someone they cared about, Jasper wasn't dealing with his grief in the best way possible, but drinking was his way of coping with the pain he was feeling. "I know what you're going through, you loved Maya and now she's gone" he watched Jasper as he hit himself in the side of the head but made no attempt to stop him, he didn't want to overstep and invade Jasper's personal space. "I know it might not seem like it now, but it does get better..." nobody ever thought it could get better, but of course it did, eventually Jasper would see that.

When Jasper explained about Raven, Sinclair was instantly confused. He'd heard rumours about Jaha offering the residents of Arkadia something that would take away their pain. He hadn't thought much of it, in fact he'd thought it was some kind of hoax. Nothing could take away all of your pain, at least he didn't believe that it could. "Raven took a key?" he questioned Jasper, it didn't sound good whatever it was and Jasper was talking as if it actually worked. "You know, only time will take away your pain Jasper... Nothing else will take it away"  he didn't understand what was going on with Raven, did he believe that her pain had disappeared just through taking something Jaha had given her? Absolutely not. Did he want Jasper to believe that his pain could simply be erased like that? No, to give him false hope would be cruel.

@jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper choked on a sob when Sinclair mentioned Maya's name. He hadn't expected the older man to know her name at all. Apparently, Sinclair had talking to people about what had happened to him, Or other people had talked to Sinclair. Jasper shook his head. It's probably wasn't going to get better, and Jasper knew there was something wrong inside him. He felt like his brain was broken, stuck on a loop. Jasper didn't bother to argue the point, though. Sinclair didn't understand, and he would probably keep saying meaningless things like 'it gets better' until Jasper either started crying or decided he had to shove Sinclair off the side of the rover.

When Sinclair asked about Raven and told him only time could heal his pain, Jasper shook his head again. "Raven's leg doesn't even hurt anymore. It still doesn't work, but she's not hurting. That key works." He glanced over at the older man for a moment. "I'm just not sure how." Or at what cost.

Tag: seren2