Conceal Don't Feel

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Bellamy Blake

So far it had been easy to hide her emotions. It had been easy to keep Bellamy at arm’s length even as she grew fonder of him. She refused to acknowledge the warmth she felt... Titus kept her focused. She didn’t love Bellamy. He was a political move and that was all. Anything else would make him a liability to her strength; so she fought her feelings and kept him away. Things were different now though... From the moment she found out she was carrying his child, things changed and not for the better. Heda could not have a child. That was not the commander’s way... All she could think of was the pain and the devastation when she lost a lover, but a child?

As she sat at the foot of her bed with her back against the baseboard, she fought those feelings with closed eyes and deep breaths. She could hear Bellamy as he walked down the hall in those heavy boots... and even the twinge of joy she felt for his return piled onto the closed closet of emotions. The doors were rattling... Threatening to open; and at the thought all she could do was shake.

As the door opened, she drew in a shaking breath and heard the quiver there, but she kept her eyes closed. Her legs were crossed as she fought to calm herself. There was no help to be found from the commanders before her... they had never gone through this. “You’re back,” she said slowly as she opened her eyes. She didn’t realize her eyes were glassy—and as she swallowed hard she applied more pressure on that closet door. Bellamy’s stoic expression was always mirrored. It made things easier... This time though, she could feel the baby inside her... it rolled and kicked and she could feel every move.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber3

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

To a certain extent, Bellamy knew what it was like to be a father. He had helped raised Octavia, fulfilling the role of a paternal figure in certain ways. With the delinquents . . . well, it would be wrong to say that he was a father like figure to them considering the nature of some of his interactions, but he certainly cared about them. He certainly tried to take care of them. But this, this entire feeling was different. Because he had helped create a life. Granted, it was on a night where both parties had compromised themselves and gotten drunk. It had been evident that neither of them were heavy drinkers.

Their lives had forced them to have far too many responsibilities and burdens to let it be numbed with any sort of alcoholic substance. But the one night they did grant themselves that liberty . . . a child had resulted from it. Bellamy could never think of a child as a mistake, but this situation was certainly a tense one. It . . . complicated things, but at the same time, they were standing strong together.

The baby's safety was priority and that was what Bellamy was focused on. He made his way back into the shared room, closing the door behind him and immediately spotting Lexa who appeared to be meditating on the bed, acknowledging his presence. He made his way over to the table, taking off his coat and putting it in its designated area. The arrangement was still not ideal for them when it came to the emotional aspect . . . but he would be lying if he said he wasn't fond of her.

Knowing that she was the mother of his child gave him this strengthened affection for her that he could not explain. But it felt it. It felt it quite intensely. "Did you get a check up done?" To make sure her and the baby were both healthy. He liked to be there as much as he could, especially when it came to finding out if everything was alright with the child . . . but sometimes their duties forced them away. Just like he worried about her duties, and how much they pushed her. He knew that the fierce protectiveness he felt over her and the baby could easily clash with her responsibilities as Heda . . . but he couldn't help it. He refused to let anything happen to either of them.

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Bellamy Blake

“Yes,” she said, her voice thick before she cleared it. She stayed in place, looking up at him as she spoke. “Our healer, Jah’sun said that both the child and I are healthy.” She wasn’t smiling when she spoke but the little movements she felt were still news to him. It was strange… this kind of communication. Everything up until this point had been political. Nearly every exchange was easy to control and manipulate to keep it emotionless and professional but they were talking about their child; a piece of them both. She took a deep breath and stood carefully with her hand on the baseboard of her bed to keep herself steady. The bump was visible under her cloth dress, but it threw her balance off slightly.

“I can feel it,” she said after a moment of silent hesitation. Maybe that was why she was so emotional… There were so many thoughts going through her head and she knew that Bellamy wouldn’t understand. Titus would dismiss them; reinforce that this child was no different than the rest of her family. It was a political move—and perhaps she was even giving birth to a future commander. She tried to keep his teachings in her mind as she rested her hand on the base of the soft bump but it was difficult. Even though she hadn’t said anything to trigger the reaction, tears hit her cheeks. It had been so long since she had cried, she almost forgot the feeling.

Hesitantly she raised her hand to touch her cheek hesitantly before wiping away the tear with annoyance. “He said it was normal, though.” Her words were hard once again. Firm. She stiffened her quivering lips and forced herself to swallow it. “There is nothing to worry about, if you are concerned.” She walked towards the balcony that opened up to her room hesitantly… At this point in their relationship, Bellamy knew her well though. It was almost threatening when somebody learned your tells. One of Lexa’s was her need for open space when she felt trapped. If she felt trapped in any way, the open space and the fresh air calmed her. When these emotions started to simmer at the surface she needed the air. Hesitantly she opened the doors and stepped out; taking deep breaths… She hadn’t felt this way in so long, so she fought the emotions off bitterly and stubbornly just as she always had.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber3

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy wasn't sure how he felt about a healer. He had more confidence in their own medical professionals and technology . . . but that wasn't going to happen here. They were going to do this, the Grounder way and he had of course accepted that. Not like he could take her to Arkadia to deliver the baby. Or could he? They had time before figuring all that out. For now, he was relieved to hear that she was healthy. That everything was alright. When she said that she could feel it though, Bellamy felt his heart swell with emotion. The still remembered the first time he had felt Octavia move in his mother's womb.

It had been so fascinating, and considering his age he'd found it a bit strange too. But it was completely different knowing that it was his own child that moved inside of her. He attempted to process the impact of her words, when he noticed the tears. He had never seen Lexa cry before. Their relationship wasn't exactly an emotional one, and even then . . . from what he'd understood, Heda couldn't afford tears. So seeing the tears now was so unfamiliar, yet there was no judgement on his part. He just looked at her, her words saying that it was normal . . . that there was nothing to worry about. And then she walked out to the balcony. He was fully aware that it was her place of solace. Maybe she needed a bit of time alone, but he also wanted to do what he could to ease any worries she may have.

He wanted her to know that she didn't have to be so strong all the time. They may not be lovers but he had a deep, strong loving affection for her. Because she was carrying his child. Waiting only a few moments, he followed her onto the balcony, standing next to her as his gaze set on the beautiful view before them. "Hormones," he said after a few moments of silence. He didn't know if the Grounders had a name for it or not, but he said it none the less. "They get stronger as the pregnancy goes on," he warned, though there was a bit of teasing in his voice. "And . . . " He turned to look at her, wanting Lexa to know this very clearly.

"Em ste ait kom crai." It is alright to cry. This was her safe place to express the emotion that would intensify with having a child. "We call it maternal instinct." That was part of it. The emotions. Knowing how to nurture the child. All those things. His eyes fell to her stomach, Lexa's earlier words entering his mind. He moved his hand forward, though paused midair before he was too close. "May I?" With the dynamic of their relationship, he didn't want to be too presumptuous when it came to touching her. But, he wanted to feel the baby, to see if he would be at all lucky to feel it move under his hand.

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged @taghere

She didn’t understand the word, but she assumed that he was trying to help so she wouldn’t say anything, but when he told her it was okay to cry her throat tightened and her grip on the banister followed suit. No. It wasn’t... A Heda didn’t have that luxury. She didn’t get to cry over such silly, trivial things just as she didn’t get to feel emotions like love and contentment... Even here under the sky she was trapped by the commander’s spirit, and yet none of that mattered to her heart. No matter how many walls her brain built or how many barricades it put up it didn’t prepare her for something like this—so she didn’t know what to do. When he reached out, for a moment she was confused... She’d never seen many partners share these moments, but when she realized what he was asking she nodded and reached out to gently guide his hand to where she could feel the most movement. The baby was so small still, but it showed.

“It isn’t... okay to cry,” she said slowly as she took long breaths. Bellamy’s hand could be felt through the thin material of her dress and though the act was comforting it was hard to accept it in that way. Forcefully she swallowed hard and looked away from him and at the horizon instead while she spoke. It felt strange; letting him in—or even close. “I have told you before... To be commander is to be alone. Love is weakness and anyone you love can be used against you—anyone you care for more than your own life... more than your own people is a weakness no commander can have.” She hadn’t realized that her hand was still on Bellamy’s until she felt a little kick that made her twinge. Gently she pulled her hand from his and let it fall. “Titus... wants me to treat this child the same way I would a nightblood. He wants me to treat it like my second...”

Again her eyes burned with emotion that she didn’t want to feel... but it was hard now, knowing this baby was a real thing. “I have... blocked everything out for so long. I can block you out... if I had to—“ she was quick to add, just so he was aware this wasn’t a confession of her feelings for him. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to have this child when having this child will make it the target of anyone who wishes to overthrow me... The only thing more dangerous than being Heda is being vulnerable close to me... Costia... was a warrior—able to defend herself and Azgeda tortured her to get to me... I can’t have a child if it means they will suffer the same fate...” Again, tears fell but there wasn’t much of a point in stopping them. She was so raw with emotion she shook.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber3

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He felt relief, and gratitude, when she allowed him to feel her stomach, to feel the child as much as was possible for the one not carrying it could. Her hand even guided him to the ideal spot, and Bellamy felt his heart swell once more with emotion. The thought that they had created a life, that there was a small being growing each moment of each day inside of her. It was truly a beautiful thing indeed. Her words pulled him out of this trance that their child often placed his mind in . . . telling him that it wasn't ok to cry. He wasn't surprised that she felt that way. After all, he'd been married to her for a few months now, and this type of thing was clearly ingrained into Grounders, especially Commanders.

No. He wasn't surprised but nor was he going to be like the rest of the Grounders and make her feel judged about this. Nor could he completely disagree with her words. Loving someone meant that person could be used against you. It was in part by Bellamy could never allow himself the luxury of loving someone. That, and he knew he didn't deserve it. The fear of failing them as he had failed others was far too prevalent in his mind. "That may have been the case, but you're not alone anymore. And that's something you need to adjust to. Because this baby, is going to look to you. Because you are their mother." And that was a role, that needed to be embraced. Giving birth did not make someone a child's mother. It was about loving them, raising them . . . that was what made a mother truly fulfill her role. She removed her hand from his own, and it felt odd . . . to feel a strange deprivation of her warmth, but he showed no sign of it.

Especially when immediately distracted by the baby's kick. The action caused a flicker of a smile on his lips that disappeared as quickly as it formed. His hand remained in place though, listening attentively to her words. He felt a twinge of disapproval, hearing that Titus wanted her to treat the child as she would a nightblood. No. He was not ok with that. "Our child is not one of your subjects." It wasn't just some life that could be trained and pressured to fulfill some greater destiny. Bellamy was fine with training their child, but not to treat them as she would a nightblood, indifferent to the fact that it was her own flesh and blood. His eyes fell down to her stomach when she spoke of how she could block him out if needed. Once again, he wasn't entirely surprised about that. It did however elicit an emotional response, once that he made no physical show of . . . perhaps because Bellamy tended to be more of an emotional person.

That for him, once he grew attached, it was difficult to block out the person so easily. For even now, he knew he would give his life if it meant protecting her. Not even just for their child's sake, but because it was Lexa. He remained silent though, knowing it was a difference of their upbringing and responsibilities. She had far more pressure than he had. He wasn't about to expect that years of that being ingrained into her could be altered so easily. But he wanted to at least try to make her see that their child wasn't a weakness. That having a son or daughter, was a precious gift. However with her next wrods, it grew increasingly difficult, knowing how she perceived the baby. He remained silent, taking in her words as his gaze slowly met hers once more. Tears fell from his eyes, her body trembling with what he assumed was emotion. He didn't want to argue with her. He didn't want to encourage her fears, though he knew they were valid.

"What's the alternative?" He asked, somewhat rhetorically. Getting rid of the baby? Well that was something Bellamy could never condone. His mother hadn't been able to, he couldn't either. Especially now that they were on the ground and there was no need for population regulation. Too many babies had to pay the price so that they could live. He couldn't ever get rid of a child, not even his own. But he also knew that right now, Lexa didn't need to be argued with. He moved his hand from her stomach, but only to put hers in his place, his own resting on top of hers that was on his stomach, to have it remain there. "This child is a part of you, part of me," he began to say. "It's not a target." That was not it's primary role. "It's a baby. A life that you and I created. It's a being that is going to look to you to be their mother. One that will love you unconditionally. You are not Heda to them. You are not Commander to them. You are not a warrior to them. You are nomon." Mother.

"Look to that. Look to how you can protect them, and nurture them, love them, . . . not lose them." Because then the child would already be lost before they joined them in this world. Looking at her he paused before moving his hand from her own and instead took her free hand into his own. They weren't ones to engage in public displays of affection . . . but right now, he wanted to calm her mind. He led her back to the room, unsure if she would protest but he had to at least try, for he would lead her to the bed and attempt to get her to lie down. Stress wasn't good for the baby, and while it was inevitable in her situation . . . he would try to alleviate it as much as he could, even if it was just for the moment.

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Bellamy Blake

Lexa was stunned into silence, both verbally and physically. If she spoke, more tears would threaten her—but she didn’t know how to reply. She didn’t realize how much Bellamy truly cared about the baby... He treated it as though it were already born; living and breathing in their arms. As much as it scared her, she couldn’t imagine getting rid of the tiny human that kicked and rolled under her hand as Bellamy moved it. Every movement seemed to chip away at her, just as every word had the same effect. “Ai laik fir raun.” I am afraid, she said quietly—voice breaking as Bellamy took her hand and led her towards the bed. The contact wasn’t entirely unwelcome. Actually she craved it... She locked him out in every way; emotionally, physically—sometimes she would even leave without telling him to put distance between them. She’d rarely considered actually wanting his touch.

So many assumed their loveless marriage was due to Lexa’s inability to love a man. That was far from true... Her pregnancy eliminated some of those rumors. She did care deeply for Bellamy... he cared so much for everything; his people, his duties and even Lexa. Which in itself never made sense to her but for once there was no inner conflict over following him. “What if I can’t protect them,” She was Heda. She protected her people—but never a person. Her people were a unit that she could blanket an alliance around, but she didn’t protect the travelling traders who were murdered and robbed on a daily basis. She couldn’t protect the angry disputes among villagers. She couldn’t protect Costia. She couldn’t protect a baby. Mothers protected their children with ferocity—and she didn’t know if she was capable. They never taught her to be a mother. Her own mother never got to teach her nightblood daughter.

As Bellamy moved to have her lay down she was hesitant before moving onto the bed. She didn’t let go of his hand though... The wall between them was shattered fast and she wasn’t in any rush to rebuild quite yet. She needed him. “I’ll never treat them like a nightblood,” she said to him. Though she was still crying, silently, she said it with a firm tone. “No matter what I will never distance myself... Titus doesn’t get to dictate how I treat my own flesh and blood. Or my marriage...” She looked away and drew in a long breath—her hand tightening around his as she pulled him a little closer instinctively. “I promise that...” he seemed concerned. He overestimated her strength. She would never be able to do that.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber3

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy knew that it couldn't be easy for her to admit that she was afraid. He had never heard her say such a thing, but at the same time . . . there was no judgment. Quite the opposite. His heart ached for her in such times, aware of the burdens she had to carry her entire life. He knew the feeling all too well, and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Especially those who didn't necessarily choose such a fate for themselves. Well aware that he couldn't alleviate the fear, he wanted to at least try to remind her of something else. Something very important. Which was easily brought up when she suggested her potential inability to protect the child.

"You mean we," he corrected. Because, she was not alone in this. And he wanted to make damn sure she knew it. "I know that you've had to carry the weight of a lot of things on your own. Alone. Without anyone else." She had lost the woman she loved, and was well aware that there was far much more heartache in her past even if they didn't openly talk about it. With her laying down, he noticed that she didn't release his hand . . . and felt a strong wave of relief wash over him for it. Because it meant she was not rejecting him. That she was embracing whatever support she would accept from him. Looking at her with soft intent, he continued. "But not when it comes to this child." Not when it came to their son and daughter. "Yu laik nou soulou." You are not alone. "It is our responsibility to protect them. This isn't all on you. You might feel that a lot of things are . . . but not our child." This was the one thing he could say with adamant conviction. Their child, was their responsibility.

He would even say his own, but right now . . . it was about them working as a team. As a collective unit. As parents. He gave her hand a gently squeeze, speaking the words again. "Yu laik nou soulou." A gentle reminder, words that needed to be reinforced because he knew, what that feeling of being alone was like. To add to the sentiment, he raised her held hand to his lips and lightly kissed the back of it, feeling comfortable doing this given the nature of their situation and circumstance. A further reminder. You are not alone.

He then listened attentively as she spoke of how she would never treat them as a nightblood. That, was what Bellamy wanted to hear. That Titus' traditional mind would not cloud her judgment as a mother. "Good," he said in agreement. "Because I won't let him either." Lexa of course had more authority over Titus than Bellamy did, but when it came to his child . . . to their child, Bellamy was not going to back down and allow their kid to be a victim of Grounder politics. But when she gave the promise, a promise that meant a great deal to him . . . he believed her. And it gave him a sense of peace to know that she would not let Titus determine the fate of their child.

"You're right. He has no say. Because this child isn't about him. It's about the child. And us." A family. As . . . untraditional as it may seem. They were a family. He released her hand, though didn't stray far, wanting to do something for her that would help her relax. Stress, was not good for a mother and he wanted to help her. He shifted to the end of the bed, this time not asking for permission to touch her. He seated himself at the edge of the surface, slightly lifting the end of her legs into his lap as his hands gentle worked on massaging her feet. His fingers gently pressed against the arch of her foot, caressing it with a bit of pressure. He had no idea how much Grounders knew about pregnancy, but didn't mean Bellamy did not wish to somewhat pamper the mother of his child. "Have you thought of any names?" He asked, an attempt to help divert her thoughts to something less . . . grim than those of losing the child. Bellamy shared the same fears, but knew it was more healthy to focus on the joys right now.

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Bellamy Blake

Lexa frowned lightly as Bellamy let go of her hand. Her eyes followed him with confusion, especially as he sat down and rested her legs over his lap. He was strange... Though, she couldn’t help admitting to herself that the pressure he applied to her feet felt nice. The extra weight wasn’t easy, and though she wasn’t used to this practice she was thankful for it. “I will make that clear to him... I feel like we’ll have to protect the baby from some of his teachings... There are times when I believe Titus will do anything if it means protecting my abilities as Heda.” She watched Bellamy as he worked and bit her lip, fighting a small smile when he asked about names. She’d thought of many...

“There was a book I used to read when I was younger... It was from the old world.” She remembered sitting with Titus and sounding out the letters and learning to read. There were so many images that were worn with time, but the stories were beautiful and fearsome. “It was about old gods and goddesses... I still have it.” The memory was a fond one. She was still so young that she could sit on Titus’ lap as he taught her. Learning was her favorite part of her training, though she was always a fearsome warrior. They had all thought that she would enjoy politics, but really, she preferred reading. She wasn’t sure if Bellamy would know what she was talking about or not as she spoke... but she wasn’t seeing him now. Only the images.

“If it’s a girl, I want to name her Athena, or maybe even Aphrodite... Athena was the Greek goddess of war and Aphrodite was the goddess of love and beauty.” Her eyes flashed to Bellamy’s and she smiled a genuine grin at the thought. “If it’s a boy, I want to name him Ares.” She looked down at the bump her stomach had become and trailed her fingers along it gently. “He was the god of war—or at least, that’s what they called him. It was a little more complicated than that, but I feel like it’s a strong name.” Her eyes flashed back up to Bellamy’s with curiosity. “What do you think we should name them?”

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber3

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy of course didn't know Titus as well as Lexa, but from what he did know of the man . . . he was inclined to agree with the Commander. He was very traditional, very set in the old ways, and very intent on Lexa being Heda. But just as she intended to protect the baby from Titus', Bellamy intended to protect Lexa from Titus as well. Making sure that it was understood that the child needed their mother, not the Commander. Something that he had previously said to Lexa but was not remotely shy to say to Titus. He allowed the conversation to slide for the time being, wanting to focus on something lighter to help relax his wife. She began to answer his question, referring to a book that she had read when she was younger. When he heard what it was about, he almost paused . . . curiosity striking him as he was intrigued, looking forward to hearing more. And she elaborated.

He couldn't withhold a smile, a soft upward curve of his lips as he listened to the names she suggested. His thumb gently pressed into the arch of her foot, moving in a smooth path up and down as he took in the information she gave. The suggestions she offered. He was silent for only a few moments, not directly answering her question but deciding to open up about his own childhood, as she had just done for him. Something he did not take for granted. "My mother used to read me similar books when I was young," he began to tell her. Speaking of his mother was . . . unfamiliar. It felt foreign falling from his tongue, but he continued none the less. "About Roman history, mythology, the gods and goddesses," he continued on, forcing back the emotions that always stirred within him whenever he spoke of his mother. "I think the names you chose are perfect." And he meant it.

"I would have thought along similar lines," he admitted. After all, he was the one who named Octavia . . . and he certainly would have thought along such direction to name their children. "Athena, Aphrodite or Ares." The names repeated sounded even more perfect. Though undecided between the two ones selected for it was a girl . . . either of them seemed so befitting. He paused for another moment, his hands moving to massage her other foot. "We should read your book to the baby," Bellamy suggested, as Lexa said that she still had it. That way, the baby would continue to be familiar with their voices. "Maybe instill a love for these things if its not inherited by the parents," he added on only partially kidding, a bit of a tease with a smile to accompany his words.