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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 1:48:56 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
It had happened so quickly; Lexa heard the sounds of the gunshots hitting the walls and poles. She didn’t know what to make of it and after struggling to get redressed, she had only left her room as a bullet struck her in the stomach. Pain was subjective... She felt it tear through her, but she had suffered worse pain in her life from the edge of a blade. This was a clean wound, but a dangerous one. She had been frozen in shock with her eyes on Titus; her teacher and confidant holding the gun he had tried to use to kill Clarke. To be commander, is to be alone. He had tried to take her life to sway Lexa’s decision... all the while as these thoughts ran through her mind, she slipped away and collapsed onto the ground. Blood stained her shirt, her skin... the floor. There had been so much blood.
Ai gonplei ste odon...
She was ready... Titus swore never to harm Clarke again... Her spirit would never harm Clarke and she was ready to pass on to the next commander. It had seemed as though there was no saving the young Heda, but after she drifted Clarke did not stop trying to save her. Soon... trying became more. Though unconscious, she wasn’t truly ready to pass away. She needed to protect Clarke and keep the twelve clans under control. She trusted her spirit, but something inside her had found a reason to fight. When her eyes opened slowly, they opened to the sight of the painted ceiling in her room... Slowly, but surely her clouded vision became clearer... There was pain, but she was no longer cold. She was no longer dying... “Clarke,” she spoke—her voice was hoarse and quiet... She could not yet turn to look for her... but she had to assume that it was Clarke who saved her.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 6, 2016 21:32:12 GMT
It’s been an incredibly long night for Clarke. Everything happened way too fast. Only in the night could she allow to rest a bit. The bleeding was stilled and all they could do was wait. Titus, feeling every bit as guilty as he should, took care of Clarkes, and Murphys, wellbeing. He even agreed to change the terms of the blockade until Lexa would wake. Until then the blockade would be slightly different. It was all she could do. She would not argue anything, but she wanted Lexa to be awake and clear for a definite decision on her people, nothing more, but nothing less either. The night was still worrisome. Even though she did her best, it was still possible for Lexa to die. Which was why she stayed at her bedside, constantly taking her life signs. She kept breathing. He heart kept beating. It was all she could ask for.
Clarke didn’t notice drifting off until she heard something. Her name, spoken in a fragile voice, that could only belong to one person. “Lexa!” Clarke exclaimed. She rushed to the bed to take her hand, looking at her. Her eyes were open. She was alive! She pulled through – for now. “It’s okay. Lie still, please. The wound could tear open.” And that was the last thing any of the would want. For now, though, she was awake and alive and Clarke had done the one thing she shouldn’t have done: This time she really betrayed her people. This time there was no going back.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 21:43:43 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
Lying still was one of the hardest things she could have asked of Lexa. She didn’t immediately obey, instead she looked up at the windows; gauging the time. “The kill order--- Clarke you shouldn’t be here still,” she said hoarsely. She didn’t have a hope in crossing the blockade by dawn. That was, if dawn had not already passed… The moment she moved she realized just how much blood she must have lost… She was so dizzy. How on earth was she still alive? Clarke had kept her alive… She let out a low breath and rested her head back down on the pillow reluctantly as she looked at Clarke with both gratitude and concern. She wasn’t supposed to be here, but if she hadn’t been Lexa would have died.
It was strange; waking up after accepting death. She’d thought it was over. Even the voices of the commanders before her were silent as she slipped into unconsciousness… it was like death. There was a slight curve to Lexa’s lips as she looked over Clarke with exhaustion. “You fixed me,” she said quietly, teasingly… That was Clarke’s way… Lexa may have been surprised that she was alive but she wasn’t surprised by Clarke’s stubbornness and inability to let go of her. If not for her, then for her people. She knew Clarke didn’t have faith in her spirit’s ability to keep her safe. There were any number of reasons that she stayed… but she knew her people may see it as a betrayal.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 6, 2016 22:38:51 GMT
The kill order, of course she would think of that, but nothing would happen to her here. Lexa had made sure of that, when she asked Titus to never harm her again. And Titus has helped her with this. He agreed to her plan even, so Clarke could smile at Lexa. “The kill order has been lifted for the time being.” Clarke replied. “By your orders, which are, as you know, not really your own orders, but Titus and I figured it was best to claim they were from you.” She would have to explain. Clarke ran her hand through Lexas hair, as she had done before, hoping that would be enough to keep her lying on her bed. “Every Skaikru person will instead be imprisoned and sent to Polis in secret. A piece of bloodied clothing will be sent back to Arkadia. That way they will think the kill order is in place, but we won’t have to actually spill blood for the time being. A piece of my clothing, along with a strand of my hair, are on the way to Arkadia right now.” It was a lie she had to put up, but it was, maybe, the only chance to do this without spilling more actual blood.
“I fixed you.” Clarke agreed with a smirk on her face. She had once, not too long ago said she couldn’t fix everything, but hell she came pretty damn close to it. “I am pretty good at fixing things, I hope you finally believe me.” It was hard in that case, but she had done it. Clarke reached for something close to Lexa. It was the bullet. She held it over Lexas face, so she could see it. “That was inside you. Funny how such a little thing can cause so much damage. You almost died. You are lucky I’m an universal donor.”
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 5:18:12 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
Lexa listened, and she approved of the method. It was a way to keep things under control, but she couldn’t imagine it making a difference. They would be taking prisoners but the sky people wouldn’t know the difference… but then she said that she sent her own hair and blood—and Lexa’s eyes widened. “They will think you are dead Clarke.” She said firmly. She pushed herself up against her orders and shook her head. “They will think you were killed here... That is not… The kill order must be enforced in their eyes, but those who stand against the new chancellor are your people... we are counting on your people… They will want vengeance if they believe you are dead.”
The intentions were good. She understood the idea, but Clarke was not only an ambassador but she was one of the leaders of the sky people… If they truly thought that she was killed in Polis there would be no peace. All she could imagine was the rage Bellamy would feel—the way it would affect her mother. Such a strange thing to even care for people that were not her own, but she knew that this would have adverse effects. Clarke was here under her protection… “Clarke… they can’t think you are dead. You know your people. How willing would they be to fight for an alliance with the people who killed you.” Her stomach flared with pain, forcing her back down on to her back as she struggled to get back up—to do her duty as Heda.
Her breathing slowed as she looked at the bullet with wide eyes. No… she didn’t know how to fix this in her state… She wasn’t thinking too clearly, her shock was too great. “Kane is the leader who took the brand; he and your mother are close… He won’t fight like he has if they believe that you are dead—You need to go. You need to ride to Arkadia with one of my men and you need to show them that you are not dead… Clarke…” She coughed and clutched her stomach loosely, all the excitement making her all the more dizzy. “You are one of the main pieces of this alliance, Clarke. You’re the ambassador… Was this your idea or Titus'?”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 8, 2016 19:23:46 GMT
“Vengeance against Pike, Lexa.” Clarke pointed out. They would make the connection. She knew Bellamy, her mother would. They would direct their hatred to the right people, not against the Grounders. She was sure of it. And those shirts were not sent with an explicit explanation. It could do the trick for them. Either way she knew it would not be directly given to them. That would be too easily. It was to be held back to maybe give them the last push they needed, but Clarke simply could not go there in person. She could not handle this, because she had the feeling that there was no other way to keep Lexa lying down but like this, with her by her side, making her do this.
“For now they don’t need to fight for an alliance.” Clarke pointed out. It was good for them, but it should not be their priority, it could not be their priority. “They need to fight for their peace. As long as Pike is in charge, there can be no peace. Everything else comes after that. “ Everything else needed to come after even. It was the simple fact that they needed to get their affairs in order before they could think of others. Maybe they would finally see reason now. It wasn’t like she could go back anyway. That much was clear.
“Kane is more than that, Lexa.” She had noticed they were close, but he was a professional, a natural. He would fight for this alliance for them, even if he thought she as dead. “Please, Lexa, trust us. Titus and I know what we are doing. I know you like to be in control, but this time, let us take the lead while you rest. Because you need the rest."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 1:18:24 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
Lexa didn’t agree with their decision. If she had thought that Clarke had been killed... it was a different circumstance, but she knew that Bellamy’s anger wouldn’t be directed at Pike. Anyone with eyes could see that he cared about her. She hoped there was a way to get word to them... maybe the illusion of a kill order would be enough to contain them, but thinking her daughter was gone wouldn’t make her mother fight for peace with the people who killed her. Maybe Clarke didn’t see her worth, but that error had to be rectified quickly and quietly so as to keep up the act with those who fought against the coalition. Already, despite the fuzziness in her mind she was planning; trying to figure out how to make this work...
“You don’t see your... what you're worth to them,” she said quietly, as her current state wouldn’t allow more than a murmur. Slowly she let out a breath, wincing with pain at the tear in her stomach. She could see by the way Clarke was hovering that she wasn’t about to get up and take to her throne. This was a problem as her people followed strength above all. She would have to figure out a way to discipline Titus... but... then again, Jus nou drein jus daun... The idea of punishing him was quickly dismissed by his oath to never harm Clarke again... she hoped that the traditionalist would keep this promise. “I’m sorry... I thought you were safe here, Clarke...” she frowned softly and reached up to gently touch the thin strands of blonde hair that hung over her. “I should have anticipated it...”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 10, 2016 17:18:18 GMT
“I left them, Lexa.” Clarke pointed out. Her worth had to be determined by that as well. She might have had part in the survival of the 100, part in coordination with the Ark, she might have been part of bringing down the mountain, but she left them. She left them when they needed her. Bellamy was very clear on that. Clarke hadn’t told her about that yet and really, she didn’t want to, not until she had dealt with it herself. Clarke just needed to get to the bottom of it herself first, she couldn’t do anything else until then. “I left them after Mount Weather, to deal with all of that by themselves. I know why I did it, but to them it looked differently. I lost my worth that day. I lost my worth when I stayed.” Octavias word would count for more, too. And she had to fight to regain that. Maybe it was the wrong way, but it was a way. She was out of ideas by now.
“We were leaving. How could you know? He was loyal to you.” Still was. He had done it to protect. Clarke had seen people do a lot of things to protect others, she herself knew someone, who shot someone just to be able to protect his sister. All that mattered was that Lexa was alive. Her own life didn’t matter. “He’s your friend. I can’t blame you for trusting him. If you can’t trust your friends, who can you trust? Certainly not your enemies.” And there were a lot of them. He had tried to protect Lexa. He had been willing to kill for it. It was not something that she found surprising here in Polis at all. She knew how things worked.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 4:24:10 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
“I left you,” Lexa said. Her voice was calm, but her eyes were full of remorse. She hated herself for putting those deaths on Clarke’s hands. Lexa wished she could take back that decision and make the right one... There was a time when she’d deluded herself into thinking that she wouldn’t have changed anything. That she did the right thing. These past few weeks with Clarke proved to her that wasn’t the case at all.... that sometimes protecting her people meant considering all paths. Clarke taught her that, but the betrayal was still there. It was still the moment that defined them, and Lexa couldn’t take it back. Yet here Clarke rested. “You wouldn’t let me die... We’re important to our people, Clarke...” She reached up and pushed Clarke’s hair behind her ear, though the weight of the wound was heavy. Lexa was still so exhausted. “Your people will do more than mourn you. They will want to avenge you... Especially Bellamy.”
Once again, Lexa sighed. “I hope you’re right... Though if there are consequences, we need to alert them that you are still alive.” She frowned when Clarke talked about Titus... How could she begin to discipline such an action. He carried the fire—there was nothing that she could do. Blood must not have blood. Forgiveness... It was so much easier said than done. She followed Clarke though; to the end it seemed. They would have to be more careful. “It isn’t safe for you in Polis... Not around all these people who disagree with you. They see you as a threat to our ways... I thought I could keep you shielded from it but something like this could happen again.”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 13, 2016 18:15:55 GMT
“You’re wrong. I don’t think they will.” Clarke answered. She knew Lexa left her. She knew what it cost her, what it cost her people. She knew what it made her do. It sent her into a wave of horrible emotions, a downward spiral Clarke could hardly battle. Sometimes she wished she had stayed. Sometimes she knew she couldn’t have. Sometimes she knew she would never be the same again and others saw that. Bellamy, even Bellamy, reduced her to Wanheda. That was all she was worth here in Polis, too. The Clarke people would have fought for was dead, Wanheda was alive. She had stepped on a path, was forced on a path she could not go back on. She could try to turn, but the road back was blocked. All she could do was choose the crossing that was plastered with as little blood as possible, but Clarke knew how this was ending. She would wade through a sea of blood once more, earning the title Wanheda over and over again. “Especially Bellamy won’t. I left them, like you left me. That is where they stand and I deserve it, because I left.”
Clarke sighed. There it was again. There was the huge question of where to go from here. She had chosen her path so far, she had to walk it and she would, not with her head held high, but she would walk it, not faltering or falling, because she couldn’t do it anymore. People died when she was in charge. She couldn’t let that happen anymore. “Nowhere is safe.” Clarke began. The blonde got up. She walked to the window to stare at the city. It was not peaceful. Peace was an illusion. “I can’t go back, Lexa. I was meant to leave with Octavia. Arkadias gate will remain locked if I ask for entrance. I can’t go home anymore. I can’t go anywhere.” Maybe her next path was easy to choose. It lay just in front of her. Just a few steps…
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 19:32:25 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
Lexa watched Clarke as she spoke and walked towards the window. The young Heda couldn’t move to follow her, so instead she watched quietly. Clarke was wrong—they would be upset, but they would never reject her and she knew it. Why Clarke didn’t, she’d never understand but Lexa wouldn’t push her further. If it escalated she would have to intervene in their plan, but if they were right, she didn’t want to get in the way. “You punish yourself more than they do.” Lexa said lightly. It was her fault and she knew it... but she knew she couldn’t convince Clarke of anything she didn’t want to believe. Lexa let out a long breath and closed her eyes as she set her hand on the packed gunshot wound.
“We shouldn’t dwell on things we can’t change now,” she murmured quietly. “We’ve all done things that we regret; even your people can’t deny that... There is nothing that can’t be forgiven.” Lexa smiled lightly at Clarke with hopeful eyes and gratitude... Though she knew that Clarke would never allow herself to really be free of that guilt. Lexa found it so hard to understand, but being so close these past weeks did open her eyes... She understood, but not enough.
“You must be tired,” Lexa said gently as she watched Clarke by the window. She missed the opportunity to leave with Octavia... Lexa had been so scared she would never seen Clarke again when she came to her room. She could tell that Clarke had to go—she understood it, but she didn’t want her to. In a sick way Lexa got what she wanted... but she really didn’t want any of this... “You should lay down...”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 15, 2016 15:35:47 GMT
“I bear it, so they don’t have to.” It was better if she just took it. If she let them direct their anger at her, they could channel it, get it out of their systems before having to deal with it. She couldn’t change it. What was done, was done. She could not undo leaving them. She could not get through to Bellamy. She could not undo what happened to go back with Octavia. And going back now, she knew they wouldn’t trust her. Pike would never trust her. Maybe this was what Bellamys speech came down to. She could not save anyone. She was now fully in a corner. She couldn’t stay, she couldn’t go. She was stuck. She could only agree now.
With a nod, Clarke moved to the center of the room. She couldn’t join Lexa on the bed. She moved. She moved especially with nightmares. It could hurt Lexa or worse. She couldn’t get into her bed. But that didn’t stop Clarke from taking off her shirt and pants and slipping into the wonderful blue robe. Grabbing furs, a pillow and a blanket, she made her way to the couch and settled on it. Resting her head on her hand, Clarke looked towards Lexa on her bed. “I’m scared.” She commented softly. “For my friends and family. Pike won’t go down without a fight. More blood will be spilled.” Maybe everyone would die. And then? What happened to her then? She was terrified. “There must be a ways to stop them. But I don’t know how.”
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2016 21:22:14 GMT
| if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you |
Lexa watched as Clarke stripped down and slipped into a robe. It’d be dishonest to say that her eyes didn’t wander, but whatever she felt in those moments chilled when she realized Clarke was getting comfortable on the couch. It was odd, but she knew it was because of the wound. Clarke looked at her then, and Lexa frowned at her words and her expression. She wished she could offer some kind of comfort and tell her that nobody else would have to die... They had done everything they could do to avoid more bloodshed. Pike needed to die, because he was the one who called the shots. He was voted for by his people, and now his people needed to realize that it was the wrong choice. Lexa didn’t know the politics of the Sky People, but if there was a diplomatic solution she hoped Pike would take it.
“We need to trust your people,” she said after a moment of silence. There was nothing more that they could do... All they could do was wait and hope that they made the right decision—even with Clarke’s blood spilled. It seemed unlikely, but Lexa wanted to have faith. “Your true leaders are strong. They will do what is right... We just have to wait.” Unfortunately, her own people would no doubt use fear as a negotiation strategy rather than peace. It was difficult to change the ways of thousands who had never known any different. “I believe they will make the right choices... If Pike’s rule causes deaths within Arkadia, they won’t stand for it.”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Mar 24, 2016 15:27:46 GMT
Clarke made sure the blanket was wrapped tightly around herself, to keep her warm. The way the air was here, it was cold, but not all too cold. Maybe it was just her imagination, clinging to a senation befitting of what she felt in that moment, which was fear and terror. Maybe that was why she wanted warmth now, craved a hug, that she knew she could not have for a while, while someone voice rang in her head, announcing that people would get killed because she put herself in charge once more. It was her own fault. All of this was her own fault.
“We don’t know that.” She sighed softly. “And even if, the deaths it might cause, are probably the deaths of my family.” They were too strong, too opinionated. They would probably either be with Pike, like one of them was, or against him. She could no see all of them surviving. She wanted to go there, but with the blockade… how was she to get through with a legitimate reason that would not have everyone question her once more? She didn’t think that could happen. “There has to be a way to speed it up without putting everyone I love at risk. I’m tired of everyone paying the price for me fucking up.”
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