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Clarke was exaggerating, that much was obvious, but Raven wasn’t sure what more she could say to convince her of her worth. Because she disagreed with the other girl, vehemently. Clarke underestimated her worth in their lives, a mistake Raven wasn’t going to make. It would take time to grieve Finn, to settle the anger that bubbled within her whenever she thought about the circumstances of his death. And most of all getting over how goddamn difficult it was to look at Clarke, without being constantly reminded of the sacrifice. That would prove to be the hardest thing to get over. But that didn’t mean she didn’t want her in her life. And it sure as hell didn’t mean they’d be better off without her.

“You’re not giving yourself enough credit there, Clarke.” Raven didn’t doubt her own, or Bellamy’s abilities, but Clarke shouldn’t doubt hers either. “We’d all be dead a million times over if it weren’t for you.” She hadn’t just been their leader, but their healer too. “And I’m not saying that to flatter you. Just stating facts.” She was just speaking the truth. “With Finn I…” Raven hesitated, taking in an unsteady breath. “I couldn’t…have done what you did for him.” She quickly wiped away an escaped tear, cursing the show of weakness. “You…you did what you had to do.” The statement wasn’t exactly a show of forgiveness on Raven’s part, but it was all she would offer for now. And even that was difficult to admit.

Raven stopped thinking and just reacted. Her actions in sync with his. When he moved she moved, and it felt good, really damn good. It was finally offering her an outlet for all the pent up rage and anger she’d been bottling up. Rising to the surface it overflowed and she poured every ounce of it into the kiss. But soon it wasn’t enough. She needed more and Bellamy it seemed had the same idea. Helping him take off her shirt, Raven hastily pulled her hair tie, throwing it away to let her hair free. She always preferred it that way. Desperately she pulled Bellamy’s jacket off, kissing his exposed neck inch by inch before tossing it to the ground, allowing her teeth to graze over his pulse point then proceeding to move back up to his mouth, her tongue teasing his lips before finally giving in to desire.

One hand steadying herself on the hood of the car she broke contact with him. Immediately feeling the loss she quickly used his shoulders as an anchor and seated herself right at the edge of the car. Seeking his lips out again Raven hooked a couple fingers around a belt loop of his trousers, pulling his hips against hers. The contact forced her to outwardly groan into the kiss, but it only heightened her desire for more contact, her need for him. The new position offered her height over him, giving her the upper hand in whatever this was. She was in control now and loving every moment of it. Fumbling with his belt buckle she tried to pull it off but failed, her hands clumsy in the heat of the moment. Groaning again but this time in frustration she instead concentrated on an easier task, pulling his own shirt over his head. Craving the moment skin would finally meet skin.

A smile spread across Raven’s face when Clarke finally conceded and saw her way. “Good.” Sure it wasn’t going to be easy. It was going to be damn hard. Raven still had nightmares about the blood of the few people on her hands. With Mount Weather who knew what Clarke was going through? But this was a start. A big step in the road to both of their recoveries. It may leave permanent scars but she knew that together at least the gaping wound would finally close. Raven was aware of her slightly selfish intentions for wanting her to return to the camp. Clarke was one of the only people she could actually talk to about this stuff. She needed her just as much as Clarke needed them.

Reaching out towards her, Raven took Clarke’s hand forcing the other girl to unwrap her arm, and gave her a gently squeeze. To be reassuring and because that was about as hard as Raven could squeeze in the state she was in. “Don’t worry Clarke, we’ll fix this.” She said confidently. “We’ll fix you.” Because isn’t that what Raven did? It’s what she was good at. Fixing things. She had to be. Before she could continue, Raven started coughing again. Hard. The bowl of food fell off her lap, smashing to the ground. She could swear she was about to cough up a lung. Keeping a hand over her face, she half laughed between each coughing fit. “I think you’ll have to fix me up first though, doc,” she said wheezing.

Raven thanked every god imaginable when she heard a voice respond to her. She wasn’t usually the lucky type but now she felt like the luckiest girl on the ground. Especially at this time of night. But Raven didn’t really recognise the girl on the other side of the bar, so naturally she hadn’t really had the chance to ever speak to her. But hearing her now, she seemed nice enough. A great first impression, that was probably helped by the fact that she just happened to be here when Raven needed her. But a great one nonetheless. “Couldn’t sleep,” she answered bluntly. Not in the mood to divulge anything further. She’d need a few drinks in her before that could happen.

“That’s good to hear.” Some peace and quiet and most importantly time alone, was what she really needed right now. Away from prying eyes. “Just give me whatever you got.” Something fast and strong. Raven wasn’t feeling picky about what it was. As long as it worked to dull the pain. Physical and mental. She didn’t feel up to being alone with her thoughts right now. Best to just drink them away. That meant she’d probably need a little more than one drink. “And don’t hold out on me,.…?” She paused, a question in her eyes, giving the other girl a chance to introduce herself. She wasn’t usually particularly friendly these days, but seeing as they would probably be spending the next few hours together it would probably be rude to completely ignore her existence.

She rolled her eyes at the bluntness of his response. He was arrogant, that was for sure. But then she couldn’t fault him for that without being a hypocrite. And if he was offering to teach she couldn’t pass up the opportunity. He was probably the only one on the ground with any actual experience with using the weapons. She just needed to swallow her pride and accept the offer. Which was of course easier said than done in her case. Especially when it came to Bellamy. Hadn’t they been this close to killing each other not too long ago?

“Okay, okay fine.” She said holing up her hands. “Since you asked so nicely,” she added sarcastically. She actually felt…excited? At the thought of practicing with the weapons. It wasn’t exactly a daily occurrence on the ark. Sure she’d handled weapons before, fired them to test whether they worked or not. But actually using them for combat? To kill? That would be a whole different experience and one that the more Raven thought about it, she was eager to try out. That should probably worry her. “I’ll have enough bullets ready by then.” Things were looking up. Though on the ground expectations were extremely low. But even the tension in the room was beginning to lift. She still felt some bitterness directed at Bellamy but the task at hand and the subject change was slowly forcing that to ebb away. “You really think you can get them ready in time though?” For the inevitable grounder attack. It was a pessimistic question but she had to be realistic. Her tone wasn’t malicious, but genuine. Which she certainly wasn’t used to when it came to Bellamy.

She should’ve expected Bellamy’s reaction. It wasn’t like he would open up and they’d talk and have a good cry about it. That’s just not who they were. Not how they worked. They dealt with things similarly, by pushing it down as deep as they could. And running away from it all by burying themselves in work. It’s how she finished up the car so quickly. He was right of course, she had no right to ask him to open up when she was so unwilling to do so herself. But Raven was stubborn. And god damn it she was not going to be the first of them to admit to being broken.

She stood for a moment, watching the distance between them shrink into almost nothing. He was so close she could smell the anger on his breath. It left her obviously overwhelmed for a moment making her contemplate stepping back before she finally found her voice again. “I just,” her voice almost broke, causing her to take in breath, before continuing slightly louder than before. “I just wanted you to say something real, okay?” The admission forced her to look away for a moment, tears stinging the back of her eyes as the memories flooded in. Of the hurt. The pain.

“Forget it,” It was a moment of weakness. Cursing herself for it, she instead decided to turn it into anger. At him. “God.” Raven shifted forward instead of backing off, refusing to let him intimidate her. “Screw you, Bellamy,” she said viciously, pointing a finger into his chest. Her breathing was heavy, and the blood pumped hard through her veins. The anger was almost welcome. Because at least it was forcing her to feel something, anything. And it was so damn easy to be angry at Bellamy.

Raven was in immense pain, from the explosion at the dam to the drilling, she’d been through a lot. But still, she found it difficult to sit still in medical. There were so many others who were hurt far worse than she was. They needed to be taken care of a hell of a lot more urgently than she did. It was why she snuck away as soon as Jackson had checked her over. Sure she’d been explicitly told to stay in bed and rest so she could heal, but that wasn’t going to happen. At least not yet. Because while she did long for the time to heal there was something she needed to deal with first.

Raven’s relationship with Clarke was…complicated at best. But they’d been through enough together now, that it got easier to read her face, her expressions. And the look on Clarke’s face when they got to camp worried her. It wasn’t filled with relief like everyone else’s. It was torn and heavy with what Raven had to assume was guilt. And with an expression like that she had to assume Clarke was going to do something stupid. And Raven wasn’t exactly going to sit idly by and let that happen. Not now when she needed her most.

It was easy to sneak away, with the crowd of patients that needed to be taken care of, providing the perfect distraction. And with Abby as one of those patients, the shortage of doctors wouldn’t exactly notice if just one patient went missing. Grabbing the first crutches she could find in medical, Raven quickly, or as quickly as she could made her way back to the gate, expecting to find Clarke there. And she did. With that same look on her face, looking away from the camp. “Hey,” she called before leaning on the crutches as she reached her. “Why aren’t you inside?”