I Know I Am

[Marcus Kane]

i know i am Marcus waited by the walkie, waiting for Bellamy to give him a sign that he wasn't going out into the storm. He knew what it was like to be willing to give your life away to make amends with what you'd done. He had done it before. Marcus had pushed and manipulated, and forced the council to kill over 300 of his own people. In return he had been ready to give his life to find salvation--but Jaha had beat him too it. He didn't want that for Bellamy. Whatever the young man's reasons for desperately trying, he didn't want to see three dead, rather then the two already dying. "Bellamy?" He said into the walkie, letting go of the button right away in case he was trying to talk as well. There was two channels on the walkie. The one that the general population used, and then one that only him and Bellamy could hear right now. In the other walkie, he could hear the pleas for help--he knew it was hard for anyone to hear without answering, but especially Bellamy. In the months since coming to Earth, Bellamy had taken on a strong roll with the 100 and their families.

[TAG: Bellamy Blake ]

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had set out with every intention of helping the other two. One of them had been one of the 100. He had an obligation. He had a lot to redeem himself for. And, everything had been on track. But as always, things were never that simple. His car had gotten stuck and he was forced to endure the helpnessness of practically hearing them die. Kane had told him to tell them the truth, painful reminders from the others that he had said he was coming.

Bellamy felt so willing to just risk it and run out in the ran despite the ineffective protective gear. But he hadn't. And this was just more than he would have to live with. More guilt to weight himself with. He had hit the sterring wheel a few times in frustration, his mind desperately trying to find a way. Until nothing was left in him. He had his head rested back against the seat, staring at nothing in particular. His eyes welled with tears as he felt numb.

Unsure as to how long he had been sitting like this, he heard Kane's voice on the walkie. He had lashed out at Kane, accusing him of floating his mother when he knew it had just been in the height of his emotional state; the devestation of not only losing his mother, but his sister too. Emotionally anyway.It took him several moments before he could muster a reply. Reaching for it, he pressed the button. "Yeah," he both questioned and stated, knowing that his tone sounded as defeated as he felt.

[Marcus Kane]

i know i am You floated my mother. Marcus sat there and let the words echo in his head. It was true. He had done it, but he had been another man then. One who believed in rules before humanity. That rules defined and controlled people. Without rules there was no order--now he often broke rules, and upheld a new value on saving as many lives as he could. Even ones that cost him more to save. He wouldn't however, give up a life to save a life. Which was why he had told Bellamy not to go. You floated my mother. If he they had found out just a year later, none of it would have mattered. He had known Aurora Blake. He had known her well. "I've done some unforgivable things in my life. Sometimes I can't forgive myself, and sometimes it's others who can't do it." He began, "I don't blame you for holding that over me. I knew your mother. She was a friend. And I still did my job. I didn't like it, but I did it." He paused, taking in a deep breath. "I knew her before you were born. I still think she would be proud of you. Just because I floated her, doesn't change that. You remind me of her. The strength and courage, and family above all else." He knew he should tell him....tell him the truth. But he couldn't get the words out right now.

[TAG: Bellamy Blake ]

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Kane's words brought tears to Bellamy's eyes; ones that had already filled them but now, a drop slid down his cheek, followed by another. Talking about his mother was no easy topic. Nor one he could believe Kane's words regarding. His mother would not be proud of him. She would have been ashamed to see the monster he had become. He may have said the accusatory words to Kane, but Bellamy knew that it was his fault that she was dead. His reckless actions had exposed them all.

"You would have floated my sister too," he said, unsure what was in his tone. Realization that it would have happened; though the lacked the same defensive remark his earlier statement had held. Sniffing a little, Bellamy tried to compose himself, but it was difficult given Kane's words and Bellamy's already fragile emotional state. Not to mention the way Kane talked about his mother; having known her. Something that Bellamy had not quite known the details of so hearing about it now, made his heart ache with how much he misesd her. "Forgiveness is hard for us," he stated. Words he had once said to Clarke, but with Kane . . . Bellamy felt they were equally applicable. To forgive yourself was one of the hardest things to do.

"I've destroyed my family." Killed his mother. Failed his sister. What was left of his family? Nothing. "They were my responsibility." And he had failed them. He felt another tear trail down his cheek, holding his hand that gripped the walkie to his forehead as he leaned his head down, closing his eyes for a few moments, before raising his head again, bringing the walkie back to his lips, sniffing once again. "What would she do now?" He asked, uanble to help but pose the question that begged to be answered, and yet could be rhetorical as well. But drawing on the knowledge of Kane's familiarity with her . . . he asked it anyway, unsure if he regretted doing so the moment it escaped his lips.

[Marcus Kane]

i know i am Maybe. The Ark had been dying, and every life had to have value in order to be saved. Going to Earth had saved the 100 kids; even though he hated the idea. He had stood by it and and done it. He didn't bother telling Bellamy that he had hated the idea. He didn't defend himself when confronted with what he did. He admitted them, and tried to be a better man. Tried to be better then he had been yesterday. Instead of commenting toward floating the girl, Kane listened to his other words. "Forgiveness was had for her as well." He admitted, knowing that when he had choose to pursue his career, and had broken off their brief affair that she had not forgiven him either. Knowing that he was looking to move up int he ranks, and that a wife from factory would hold him back she had given him what he wanted--a clean escape. In hindsight, they both had been prideful and it had cost him a son. "I think she would be sitting in the jeep with you." He addmitted, "and I'd still be trying to talk talk her into staying in that jeep. You have a logical side that she didn't. At least not in her youth. She might have later, but I hadn't talked to her in over 20 years." He could tell Bellamy was listening to things about his mother, and he hoped it would calm him--it would help him not sit and think about the others out their as he was trapped in the rover. "I was working in factory as a recruiter for the guard for a while. I meet her there. Octavia looks like her."

[TAG: Bellamy Blake ]

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy wasn't sure if Kane's words helped or hurt. Perhaps a mix of both. The hurt not from the content of his words but rather, the reminder that he had lost her. The ache in his heart that made him miss her. That wished she was here to guide him; to help them all. He would never forget how lost he had been when he walked into their apartment for the first time without her in there. Every second of every day he missed her. And he knew, that she would not have failed Octavia like he had. Yet, there was an odd sense of comfort felt when Kane said that he believed she would have been sitting in this rover with him.

Any comfort was undeserved yet he couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope . . . that she would want something to do with him, regardless of all his past mistakes. He continued to listen intently as Kane went on to talk about their first meeting. "Yeah. She does. She's the one who got her strength." Not him. Bellamy didn't know who he was a reflection of. He wasn't good enough to be one of his mother and knew nothing of his father. "Why not?" Bellamy asked, unable to refrain from the question. Kane seemed to know her well and it was starting to peak the younger male's interest. Why hadn't Kane spoken to her in twenty years?

[Marcus Kane]

i know i am Good question. "I was ambishes in my youth. I wanted to be more then a guard. I wanted to be Chancellor. To achieve what I wanted--to achieve what I did--I didn't make many friends." He admitted, thinking of the girl that he had left behind so he could continue his climb up. He knew that he couldn't explain more without telling Bellamy more. "So I choose my career over the girl who I had grown close too, and left moved from factory to another station, and quickly up the ranks. With nothing else to focus on, I was able to be more driven and so I became the youngest captain, and the eventually a councilman, and even vice-chancellor." He paused there, waiting for Bellamy's reaction to the news. He had, after all, just hinted that he was been involved with the boy's mother. That he had left her behind, choosing his station over her. He wasn't proud, but he wasn't proud now of a lot of what he had done on the Ark. He wouldn't hide from it. He would just try to be better. "And I don't think she ever forgave me for that choice." It hadn't been love, but they had been close. He had been really fond of her, and if he had left himself, he could have grown to love her.

[TAG: Bellamy Blake ]