Lost And Insecure, You Found Me

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @elissa

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

There had been one point where Bellamy had felt he was surrounded by love. And now . . . he had never felt emptier. There had been so much loss in the past few weeks. The loss of his lover; Gena. Loss of his sister; Octavia. Loss of a father of heart; Kane. A brother of heart; Lincoln. A strong friend; Pike. And all those that gave up on him. Rightfully so. But the loss still hurt. Whether physical or emotional. Arkadia no longer felt like a home, and part of him wasn't sure why he was here.

Then again, where else would he go. He was still devoted to his people and perhaps with ime, they would be able to look at him once more. Tonight, he felt he was in mourning. He wasn't even sure why he was here; in a place where Gena once worked. The Hangar. He had waited until it was closed, his position granting him access, knowing how to get in . . . knowing where the drinks were. He moved behind the bar, pulling out a large bottle and a cup. He didn't drink often. The last time he had was with Pike. The only one to offer condolence for losing Gena. Offering support where others offered dismissal.

And despite what others thought of him . . . Pike had been a friend to Bellamy. Turning him over to the Grounders was one of the hardest things he'd done and he hated himself for it. Only to be relieved to see him alive, and later taken at the hands of his sister. The entire situation was more than complicated. But where sleep eluded him tonight . . . he found himself here. Drinking. Needing some form of distraction, unable to be alone in his apartment. Afraid to close his eyes for all the images that would haunt him.

He had used work as an excuse for long enough, and well, he wasn't even certain if he was still on the guard. Should Kane become Chancellor . . . Bellamy doubted the man would want someone he deemed as the enemy working on the Guard. So for now, he was here. Filling up one of the shot glasses and only pausing when he heard footsteps. He turned his head to the side to see who it was, and recognized the woman . . . only from the fact that she was from farm. "Everything ok?" He asked, knowing that no one was ok, but also it was his way of inquiring as to whether she needed something in particular, or whether she was looking for someone.

[Deleted]

Nights were difficult. Elissa had her room, a small thing with a bed and a shower, the necessities--even if they felt like luxuries after her first few months on Earth--but she had nothing else. No husband. No child. No love. Nightmares haunted her in her sleep, the face of her child at the forefront of them. She would wake up with sweat on her brow and the expectation of seeing her daughter in the next room, but there was no next room. No daughter any longer. The tears came as routinely as the nightmares, at each waking once she remembered, drowning herself in waves of fresh pain like she had lost her all over again. It never ended and so Elissa decided to try and avoid sleep. She knew that it wasn't possible, that her body would eventually drop, wherever she was, and get the rest it needed, but she had also been a nurse on the Ark and she knew all the secrets around to keep herself awake for as long as possible. It was the only way to live with long shifts, to learn all the dirty tricks.

In the day she was surrounded by people. She helped out in medical to keep herself busy, she made sure to have someone to eat with in the evenings but when everyone else went to bed, Elissa ran out of options. A lot of walking seemed to be a common thing she did, especially after the whole deal with the City of Light. It kept her moving and busy, but also helped keep her fit. If something happened, she wanted to be ready to run. The chip had... Elissa didn't even want to think about that or anything else that brought her pain, not in her tired state with the darkness that surrounded her. Things had only come to feel more intense after having the City of Light taken away, before that she had felt able to take the burden of the pain. Now she walked for distraction, pausing only when she saw that the Hangar was open. She was sure it would have been closed by this late hour of night.

Entering the Hangar, Elissa quickly saw who else was inside. The man was familiar, tall and broad-shouldered, with curls that Elissa associated with a guard uniform. She also had a feeling he had played a part in the politics, been close to Pike, but her own disinterest in those things left her unable to remember a name. Elissa hadn't intended to be quiet in her entrance and so there was no surprise when the man's head turned towards her and he spoke up to ask if everything was okay. Nothing is okay. But she was sure everyone knew that by now. While Elissa hadn't thought she would run into another night owl, she could already find herself drawn to the company, to the distraction it would hold. And the drink didn't sound bad either. "Mind if I join you?" she asked, with a half-hearted attempt at a smile. Without really waiting for an answer, she sat down on a stool, resting her arms on the bar.