Bellieve In Me

[Deleted]

Jasper wasn't entirely sure what Bellamy meant by some people deserve to live. Was he saying that he didn't? Or maybe that Jasper did? Jasper just let Bellamy finish, then drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "You could," he said, resisting the stupid urge to curl his fingers around Bellamy's hand. "It's easy. We wouldn't even be the first ones that came down on the dropship to do it." Charlotte had been the first, though her suicide probably wasn't something she really wanted. His tone was more contemplative than actually trying to convince Bellamy. "They sent us down here to die, and that's what we do."

"You probably shouldn't, though. People actually need you." Jasper sighed, then laid back on the bed, stretching out across it in the wrong direction. His feet still on the floor where he'd just been sitting at the edge of the bed, he lifted his arms over his head, his hands and part of his forearms hanging off the other side. He stared at the ceiling, unsure what exactly to say anymore. "Was more fun sharing your bed last time," he said offhandedly. He was actually far more calm this time, though maybe because he was more sure of his future now. Or lack thereof.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy's gaze fell down at the mention of the first who had committed suicide. He knew exactly who Jasper was talking about. Charlotte. Bellamy had failed her. He had blamed Murphy for her death but knew deep down, that it had been his fault. Not because he had put a blade in her hand, or even because of the misinterpreted advice. It was because he wasn't there for her, as he should have been. As he had wanted to be. And because he should have stopped the crowd, he should never have assisted in hanging Murphy. If Bellamy had stopped all that, then Charlotte would have still been alive. "Like I said, since when do we ever choose the easy path," Bellamy stated, knowing that was all he could say on it. He wasn't going to take his own life. The release of death was . . . not something he deserved.

Besides, he already felt it in his heart. His body was just a vessel, committed to doing what the other people needed. His death could be far more effective, if given in the place of another person's life. Taking his own . . . would just be a waste of opportunity, if he was able to save someone else. Though Jasper was right in his statement of how they had sent them here to die. It was after all what Bellamy had reminded the others of when trying to convince them to take the bracelets off, and sever ties with the Ark.

"We've survived this long," Bellamy stated. "Not everything is lost." But, so much was. And they both knew that. So much . . . but not everything. It was Jasper's next statement that caused Bellamy to clench his jaw. People needed him. That word, triggering a response in Bellamy, but one that he kept inside him. Yes. People needed him. Clarke needed him. They needed a scapegoat. The word made Bellamy's heart ache, trying to swallow back any reveal of just how much the word affected him.

"Maybe," he said dismissively. "Maybe not." Maybe they didn't need him anymore. Maybe, he was that disposabell. He just, didn't know anymore. He no longer knew where he stood with the others and . . . talking about it wasn't going to help Jasper's situation. Bellamy finally directed his gaze toward the younger male when he noticed his position on the bed, stretching his body to lay across it, referencing the last time he had been in it. Bellamy obviously hadn't forgotten . . . and it wasn't his intention of bringing Jasper here now.

"Might have been fun, but it didn't help you." He had been right back where he started. It didn't actually help him, just like having sex with Raven hadn't helped her yet. Bellamy knew that especially with Jasper, he couldn't just do short term solutions anymore; he needed long term ones. All he could do was look at Jasper though, his prolonged gaze on the younger male before finally rising to a stand to throw the old bandages in the garbage. "Might be more comfortable if you get inside the bed," Bellamy suggested, trying to keep the emotional vulnerability from exposing itself, a result from their conversation and the intense content of it.

[Deleted]

Jasper saw Bellamy's jaw clench when he said everyone needed him, emphasizing the 'you' in his statement. People needed Bellamy, but they didn't need Jasper, and Jasper wasn't quite sure how to read Bellamy's reaction, but the fact that he didn't even bother to attempt to come up with some bullshit reason Jasper was needed meant that he probably couldn't think of one. Jasper was useless, pathetic, a waste of breath, all things Alie had said to him using Raven's mouth. Things he already knew, but stung worse hearing someone else say them out loud. And now even Bellamy wasn't denying that Jasper wasn't needed. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised.

"I never expected it to," Jasper said, when Bellamy said the last time they'd been together hadn't helped him, automatically drawing his hands back down to rest over his chest. He hadn't expected it to help in the long run, anyway. He held Bellamy's gaze until Bellamy got up, then sighed and sat back up. What the hell was he doing here? Why even bring up last time? He didn't want a reminder that it was possible to feel good, even temporarily.

He got under the covers, laying down the right way, and curled up again. "Why are you doing this, Bellamy?" he muttered, closing his eyes. "Because if you feel like you have to, you're wrong."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened as Jasper told him that he never expected it to help. The words hurt. He knew that deep down it wouldn't. He knew that sex couldn't solve anything. But . . . it was just another reminder. Another realization. Bellamy was what the others needed him to be, but even then . . . he couldn't help them. He was powerless. The chains may as well forever remain on his wrists, keeping him bound, because when it came to helping his people, when it came to doing whatever he could for them . . . it never worked. He was never good enough. And the threat of it all over pouring, was strong. From their conversation that left him more vulnerabell than he would have liked, to this. To . . . everything. Bellamy couldn't look at Jasper, feeling his insides tremble, quake with the threat of losing all resolve. Of crumbelling. Jasper demanded to know why he was doing this . . . telling him he waws wrong if he thought he had to.

Wrong. Everything Bellamy tried to do was wrong. Why did he try? Why did he even bother? "Because maybe I need you to live!" He finally snapped, sharply turning his head to look at Jasper, hating that his eyes were already moist with tears, his hand simultaneously hitting the side table where he had laid the cloth. "And I don't expect you to live for me. Or stay for me, or just . . . to TRY for me." He didn't expect anyone to. It had never worked with Clarke, or Octavia, or anyone. Jasper wasn't living for him. Bellamy knew that. And his words weren't meant to guilt him . . . but Bellamy felt overcome with emotion. Tired, of justifying the fact that he cared for everyone so damn much and it was never good enough. "So you can call me wrong. You can tell me it won't do any good to try and help! You can think that the others don't need you!" God, he hated that there was now a tear rolling down his cheeks.

"But if that's the case, and if you think that I can just stand here and do nothing, then you're the one who's so damn wrong!" This wasn't good. He was trying to help Jasper and in doing so . . . he'd let himself get provoked. Turning his head away, he found it difficult to look at him, as he closed his eyes, just trying to regain his composure. The last time he let himself breakdown like this, he had been upset with Clarke. He wasn't upset with Jasper he supposed, he just . . . didn't know how to help anyone anymore. Everyone around him kept dying, and he couldn't stop it. With his eyes still closed, he took a slow breath, trying to speak with more composure. "I just need you to live. That's all." But he knew his needs were irrelevant. But he still said it, as if to explain why he was helping him, having already previously admitted to being selfishly relieved to see Jasper was alive. The harder he tried, the more he failed and . . . it was as if he was already braced for this failure when it came to saving Jasper.

[Deleted]

With his eyes closed, Jasper hadn't expected much of an answer, if he was honest. So when Belllmay snapped, he sucked in a sharp breath, jumping slightly as his eyes flew open to look at Bellamy. His own eyes immediately starting to tear up seeing the moisture in Bellamy's. Why did Bellamy need him so badly to live? It didn't make sense, considering Jasper was pretty sure even Monty would get over it eventually. Jasper sat up, but he could't really find any words to speak, so he just stared at Bellamy, his own tears falling as Bellamy's did. For the second time tonight, Bellamy was being more vulnerable with Jasper than he ever had been. It broke Jasper's heart, equally because he'd said something that obviously hurt Bellamy and because Bellamy was obviously hurting so much too under the surface. Jasper sort of knew that already, but seeing it made it real.

"I--" he started, when Bellamy finished, turning his head away and angling his body the same way as well, but he choked on the words, and had to draw a shaky breath to get them out. "I am trying. I'm trying. For you," he managed. How could he explain that he didn't want Bellamy to feel like he had to try to help him because he felt like that was how Bellamy felt about everyone. He didn't want to be an obligation, or a further burden, to Bellamy. Especially when he didn't know how this was going to turn out. "I just... worry about you." He sniffed hard and wiped his face, though the tears kept flowing. "I'm sorry." For so many things. Sorry that Bellamy cared about him. Sorry that he was upset. Sorry because he couldn't make any promises right now. Just... sorry.

He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should get up and touch Bellamy, hold him. But he'd never seen Bellamy like this before, and was sure if Bellamy would accept it. So after a moment, he decided to let Bellamy make the call. He scooted back on the mattress and held the covers open as he settled under them again. "Please come to bed," he said, his tone a suggestion, though his body was ready to get back up again if needed.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy could hear it in Jasper's tone. He was crying as well. Bellamy felt instantly guilty for unleashing this all on him. Jasper was going through his own struggles. He had enough to deal with. And here was Bellamy. Selfishly pouring out his emotions onto him. He didn't need that. And . . . even now, Bellamy couldn't bring himself to apologize. He just felt the guilt weigh more heavily on Jasper when he was the one to say sorry. Bellamy's mind belatedly processed Jasper's words; his revelation of trying . . . for him.

The older male nearly blurted out the harsh reality that Jasper would be the first one who was trying for him, but he didn't want to bring up that conversation. Forced to talk about those that he had failed, and those that left him, whether it be physically or emotionally. Jasper was trying for him. And whether Bellamy deserved it or not, he was human and thus, couldn't deny the part of him that felt comforted by that. That felt like . . . he had someone. He could hold on to someone. And, it would make losing Jasper all the more difficult.

Knowing that Jasper was trying for him, yet also bracing himself for the fact that it wasn't good enough to keep him alive. But those words were left unsaid. He didn't want to guilt Jasper into living. But right now, he would take it. "You don't . . . have to." Worry about him. The words came out as a breath, hoarse from the emotions that consumed him now. He didn't want Jasper to worry about him. He didn't want anyone to. Finally, Bellamy opened his eyes at Jasper's last request, turning his head to look at him. An unshed tear made its way down Bellamy's cheek, as he just ever so slightly nodded his head, jaw clenched, still attempting to regain his composure as he looked at the empty space next to Jasper that he offered him. He slowly made his way to the bed, not even sure how long it had taken him to move.

He first sat on the edge of it, sniffing a little, a slight tremble in his hand. He hated being like this. It wasn't what the others needed. "I'm sorry," He apologized, turning his upper body towrad Jasper as Bellamy was seated on the edge of the bed. "I . . . " He didn't even know what to say. How to justify himself. Maybe he couldn't. Maybe there was no justification for what he had thrown at Jasper. "I'm glad you're here," he finally said, knowing it may not count for much. But the words were sincere. With that, he finally lifted his legs, slipping them under the covers as he looked at Jasper. "Thank you, for being here." Whether it was for him or not, he wanted to express his gratitude. For being here. For trying for him, knowing, that none of this was easy for Jasper. And Bellamy as fairly certainly he wasn't making it any easier.

[Deleted]

Jasper almost protested that he didn't have to worry about Bellamy, but he'd pretty much been telling Bellamy he didn't have to worry about him. It didn't feel like something either of them would come to an agreement on, so he just waited. It seemed to take too long before Bellamy moved to sit on the bed, but Jasper let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He shook his head when Bellamy apologized, and ignored the voice that told him not to reach for Bellamy's hand this time. He curled his hand around the one he could see trembling, watching Bellamy. He didn't know what to say to Bellamy saying he was glad he was here, but his automatic response of 'that makes one of us' seemed cruel after everything Bellamy just said.

He was relieved when Bellamy started to get under the covers, waiting for him to settle. "You're welcome," he said quietly, because what else was there to say? Right now, he really was doing this for Bellamy. Even more so now than before after what he'd just seen. As soon as Bellamy settled, Jasper shifted forward almost immediately to wrap his arms around Bellamy, pressing his face to Bellamy's neck, and before he could stop it, letting out a small sob.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy looked down at Jasper's hand as it moved to hold his trembling one . . . immediately taking affect, as Bellamy found the embrace to be, warm. Comforting. More than he should allow himself, but too weak to deny it right now. He needed that contact, so he would selfishly indulge in it. Grateful for the prompting of it; for Jasper to take the initiative to touch his skin. Despite what Bellamy had just overloaded him with. Once Bellamy was lying in the bed, Jasper moved to wrap his arms around him, his face nestled against Bellamy's neck. The comfort of Jasper's body and touch was . . . well, incredible.

Bellamy had never thought anyone would want to touch him again. Not without violent intent. But here Jasper was, embracing him. Willingly. And not because he had ulterior motives. Not because he needed him to do something. But rather, because he was sincere. Genuine in his actions. It felt like such a damn rarity and would have caught Bellamy off guard, had he not been so exhausted from the emotional outburst he had. He immediately responded, wrapping his arms securely around Jasper, as if afraid of letting him go, and what that would entail.

Bellamy closed his eyes, tilting his own face toward's Jasper's head as he took in a slow, deep breath. His hand began to caress Jasper's back, as if attempting to offer him some form of comfort. Whether it was effective or not, he had no idea. The sob that he felt from Jasper, caused Bellamy to choke back his own, forcing it down, preventing it from surfacing. "It's gonna be ok," he breathed in a low tone, his hand continuing to caress Jasper's back while his other casually wrapped around him. Perhaps, he was trying to convince himself of that, just as much as he was trying to convince Jasper.

[Deleted]

Jasper fisted his hands into the back of Bellamy's shirt as Bellamy wrapped his arms around him. If Bellamy hadn't returned the embrace, it would have been devastating, but it almost hurt more to feel Bellamy hold him, and he gripped his shirt just to keep his own hands from trembling. Bellamy felt safe. He always had. And that was terrifying, because if he let himself feel that, it meant maybe he couldn't do what he wanted in two weeks.

"That's a lie," he managed to say, his tone hopeless rather than trying to accuse Bellamy of anything. He'd meant it when he'd told his friends he'd decided this world wasn't survivable. He took short, gaspy breaths against Bellamy's skin, trying to calm down, but Bellamy's soothing touch was too much. One of Jasper's hands slid up the the back of his head, keeping them close in spite of himself. "What's gonna happen to you?" he breathed. If I don't make it was the implication.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Bellamy felt Jasper grip his shirt, only continuing to hold him against his body. His hand contuining to rub over his back. He wanted to help ease Jaspers body and mind but feared he was not capabell of doing so. Bellamy doubted he had that ability with anyone. But he had to try. And it would be a lie for Bellamy to say that he too didnt feel comforted by holding Jasper. His words of it being a lie were not ones disputed by Bellamy. Nothing about this world felt ok. Not with everything they had happened. But Bellamy instead focused on Jaspers question, understanding the implications of it. Bellamy took in a slow breath. He wasnt used to such a question. He wasnt used to someone asking about what would happen to him; or how something would effect him.

"I dont want to think about that." Honest words, born from fear of losing Jasper. And well, Bellamy knew he wasnt the only one who was afraid of that. Nor was he the only one who would be devastated by his death. "But if it comes to that . . . I'll have to deal with it then." Nothing in Bellamys answer indicated that he would deal with it well either. He just didnt want to guilt Jasper into living . . . Bellamy would forever feel guilty if he trapped Jasper into that guilt ridden state. He wanted to help him heal; help him find reason to live because Bellamy knew that he wasnt enough for anyone. "Im just . . . not ready to imagine this world without you." Further admittance of his fear of losing him. Bellamy was already forced to mourn so many others. So many people he cared about. He had to endure this world without them and . . . he didnt want to add Jasper to that list. Not even hypothetically.

[Deleted]

That wasn't really much of an answer. Bellamy had opened up a moment ago, and Jasper wanted more of that, but now Bellamy wasn't talking anymore, and other than provoking Bellamy again (which Jasper didn't want to do), he didn't know how to make him. He didn't know how to respond, either, but his breathing was starting to slowly even out. He remembered bringing his hand to the back of Bellamy's head, but he didn't remember when he started running his fingers slowly through the hair at the nape of Bellamy's neck. There was something comforting about it, though.

Now that he was calming down, this suddenly felt more intimate than they'd ever been, which was weird considering they were fully clothed. It was strange that Bellamy didn't want to imagine a world without him, but Jasper couldn't imagine a world with him anymore. "I just... don't fit anywhere anymore," he whispered against Bellamy's neck, brushing his face against it until the bridge of his nose aligned with Bellamy's jaw.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy couldn't deny the comfort felt as Jasper starting running his hands through his hair. It had been a gesture that Bellamy always found to be quite comforting . . . and right now, was no exception to that. The close proximity of their bodies was allowing a warmth to spread through Bellamy. To hold someone and be held. Jasper's words caused his heart to ache once more, but the younger male was not alone in feeling this way. "I know the feeling," Bellamy admitted. He too, no longer had any idea where he fit in. That much was made clear when Kane referred to him as the enemy. What made this place a home had faded away with each damaged relationship. And Bellamy wasn't sure there was any way to repair it.

But not wanting to dismiss Jasper's own feelings of uncertainty, Bellamy continued. He parted his lips to start to say something . . . the familiarity of them causing him to pause. You'll always fit in with me. That was what he had said to Octavia one time, when she had been so eager to leave. Words, that didn't mean anything to her now he supposed. Swallowing back the pain of his destroyed relationship with her, Bellamy spoke. He turned his head a little so that his head was more aligned with Jasper, rather than the younger male's nose hovering near his jaw. "For what it's worth, you fit in with me," he told him honestly. Maybe it wasn't worth anything at all. But, he wanted it to be at least said, acknowledged.

[Deleted]

Bellamy knew the feeling? That... didn't make sense to Jasper. Bellamy had always been the person everyone looked to, the person everyone followed, the person who could inspire them all to fight, no matter what the circumstances. From what Jasper had seen, nothing had changed about that.

Bellamy turned his head so that they were better aligned, and Jasper sucked in a slow breath. He couldn't really deny anymore that his body was responding to this intimacy, and he should move away. Bellamy had already pretty much said no to the idea of sex, and Jasper knew it would make him feel good, at least for a little while, and... he should avoid that, or he might start getting confused about what he wanted.

When Bellamy assured Jasper he fit with him, Jasper tilted his head so that his nose brushed along Bellamy's, closing his eyes. "I..." His voice wobbled briefly, but he managed to swallow the emotion that threatened to spring up again. "I know." Even after Mount Weather, even after Maya, Jasper knew. He never doubted Bellamy cared about him, even when Jasper pushed him away. He was the only one of the three people who committed the genocide at Mount Weather that Jasper could never find a way to hate. Clarke and Monty made it easy, the former by running away and the latter by rejecting Jasper's messiness so strongly. Bellamy did neither of those things. And he still wasn't.

Without thinking about it, he hooked his leg around Bellamy's, pulling them closer as he released the grip on the back of Bellamy's shirt, flattening his hand against the small of Bellamy's back. "What do you mean you know the feeling?" he whispered, close enough his lips almost touched Bellamy's

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy could feel Jasper's warm breath against him, so damn close, as the older male closed his eyes. He felt Jasper hook his leg around him, closing in their bodies more and . . . Bellamy's earlier words rang in his mind. Ones that told Jasper that it didn't make anything better. But tonight, it wasn't just Jasper who was emotionally vunerabell. It was Bellamy too. With the conversations they had and every emotion that poured out . . . Bellamy knew he would feel guilty for allowing them this physically close.

But, he lacked the strength to pull away. Hearing Jasper confirm that he knew that, only keeping Bellamy more grounded in their current positions. It was Jasper's question that threatened more tears, though Bellamy somehow miraculously held them back. The answer wasn't simple. His face scarred with the reminders of what he had done. And who he had lost. He let out a shaky breath, trying to keep himself composed . . . though it felt impossibell. Their lips were so close, Bellamy could feel it more than see it as his eyes remained close. He instinctively brushed his lips over Jasper's, not even sure what the hell he was doing. He was only acting on what his heart wanted, more than his mind. Something that tended to get him into trouble.

"Can we . . . not talk about that right now." He didn't say never to speak of it, but he wasn't sure he could bare the conversations. A flat out rejection of it would only make Bellamy hypocritical, for wanting Jasper to open up to him and not offering the same in return. Brushing his lips against Jasper's once more in the most tender of touches, his hand slid to Jasper's back, up to the back of his shoulder. "Please," he whispered against his lips, as if to add an element of polite discouragement to the question. It wasn't even that Bellamy didn't want to talk about it in exchange for something more physically intimate. Nor did he engage in this for the distraction. He felt clouded with so many different emotions and the only thing that kept him going . . . was the comfort of Jasper's body against his in this moment.

[Deleted]

Jasper's breathing went a little shaky at the first brush of Bellamy's lips, parting his own as his arm instinctively tightened around Bellamy. Oh God, he should pull away, but he couldn't. Jasper hadn't been afforded the comfort of this type of intimacy often--in fact, only ever with Bellamy and Monty, though intimacy had always been platonic with Monty--so he'd never had to learn to control his impulses. Hell, he wasn't good at impulse control in general. He sucked in another breath when Bellamy's lips brushed his a second time, before Bellamy added 'please' to his request. "Okay," he breathed, his hand sliding deeper into Bellamy's hair. There was a vague sense of relief that Bellamy didn't seem to be shutting down the topic for good, but that was mostly swallowed up by the far less vague sense of relief that Bellamy didn't seem to be shutting down the way their bodies were reacting to one another.

"Can we not talk about anything that matter right now then?" he murmured, not waiting for an answer before he pressed his lips to Bellamy's. It was a firmer touch than Bellamy's had been, but it was still gentle, still waiting to be sure Bellamy wanted him. He parted his lips against Bellamy's lower one, inviting a deeper kiss without pushing it. "Please," he said, echoing Bellamy's request.

Tag: Bellamy Blake