Blaking Out the Trash

[Deleted]

Bryan hadn't actually ever kissed anyone before. Not like this, not like he expected Bellamy was about to kiss him. Given how their date went, this was surprising, to say the least. Bellamy was confusing, but Bryan wasn't going to stop it. Bryan's eyes closed when Bellamy leaned in toward him, and then when there was a pause before he felt like Bellamy should have met his lips, he tilted his chin up for it. When Bellamy finally pressed their lips together, Bryan felt himself melt forward a little.

He made a small pleased noise when Bellamy started to coax his lips apart, and Bryan let him. He knew he shouldn't get too worked up, but the feeling of Bellamy's tongue against Bryan's made his body feel like sparks were shooting up his spine. He vaguely hoped he was doing a good job, while cursing the way his body was already responding to the thrill of this entirely new sensation.

Bryan wrapped one arm around Bellamy's waist, pulling him closer as he gained a little confidence, his kisses growing a little hungrier. He could do this. Making out a little couldn't hurt. Not when it felt so good. His other hand slid into Bellamy's hair, not wanting to break contact and enjoying the way he could feel how Bellamy had to duck his head to reach Bryan as Bryan tilted his chin up.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy could feel Bryan start to respond to the kiss. The pleased sound that he made, the way his body leaned toward him, his hand in his hair and wrapped around his waist to pull him close . . . all were positive indicators. Not that Bellamy was entirely surprised considering the purpose of their evening out. But he also knew that sometimes, people needed a bit more foreplay. A bit more of a conversation, more build up. Fortunately, that didn't seem to be the case now. And Bellamy wasn't one to beat around the bush. He continued to deepen the kiss, drinking in the unfamiliar but suddenly desirable taste of Bryan. He felt good. Tasted good. Everything about this was pretty damn good. It made Bellamy want more; crave more.

His hand ran down Bryan's side, slowly tucking under his shirt and running the span of his hand over the skin of his back. His feet began to move forward, causing Bryan to step backwards, toward the bed. And finally . . . Bellamy's free hand was hardly idle. It want to the fastening of Bryan's pants, already undoing them so that he could get them off by the time they reached his bed. His lips gently sucked on Bryan's bottom one, letting out a heavy breath into the kiss, the anticipation of being able to touch Bryan's cock soon enough flooding through him.

[Deleted]

Bryan was quickly losing his battle not to get excited, his breathing starting to come in heavy gusts as Bellamy kissed him. Bryan didn't have any frame of reference for kissing to know if Bellamy was an especially good kisser or not, but Bryan liked the way Bellamy was kissing him.

He was already mostly hard when Bellamy's hand slipped under his shirt, and Bryan gasped softly as the feel of Bellamy's hand finished the job. He let himself be guided backward, his mind spinning with desire. This would be more comfortable sitting, or even lying down. But when he felt Bellamy undo the button of his pants, he gasped softly, his hand quickly moving from around Bellamy's waist too close around Bellamy's hand, stopping him from opening his pants further. He huffed softly. It might have been a laugh, except he was far too turned on now. It was easy to see how anyone could get carried away. "Appreciate the enthusiasm, but I don't know you that well," he managed, pulling back enough to give Bellamy what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He hated to turn Bellamy down, and his body wasn't happy about it either. He wanted Bellamy, and he didn't think he needed to love the person he lost his virginity to, but... he at least wanted to know them better.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

One moment Bellamy felt the anticipation of touching Bryan. Of feeling him. His own body starting to ache with desire from the notion of it, and the way that Bryan felt against his lips. He may say he didn't do this often, but he didn't seem like too much of a novice. But then suddenly, he felt Bryan's hand stop him. The action immediately caused Bellamy to abruptly stop, drawing his head back a little to look at the younger male as he explained that he didn't know him well enough.

How much better did he want to get to know him? Was their dinner not filled with enough conversation? Suddenly, another possibility rose to his mind. What if Bryan hadn't planned for this to happen at all. What if he didn't see it going beyond a simple dinner conversation? Was that what he was saying now? Dinner had of course gone well enough since Bryan agreed to come to his place . . . but maybe, his idea of 'getting to know him more' was based on multiple times of meeting each other rather than just one single conversation.

And that, left Bellamy frustrated. Frustrated, that he had been that kind of intimate with someone. An intimacy that he was far more unused to than any physical one. His hands dropped to his sides, no longer touching Bryan, as he took a small step back, breaking their contact. Despite Bryan's beautiful smile, Bellamy did not return the expression -- especially not now.

Instead, he slightly raised an eyebrow, his next spoken words blunt. "How well do you need to get to know me? why the hell did you even ask me out then?" If not for sex. If not for the physical that could follow it. Why would anyone want Bellamy for any other reason apart from a night of pleasure, and that was it. Not like he was worth any more than that. Even if one didn't know his past . . . he hadn't exactly been nice to Bryan. What else could have possibly appealed the farm station worker to a low life janitor?

[Deleted]

Bellamy's reaction surprised him, the way he pulled away, the way he looked at Bryan. Bryan's smile slid off entirely as he dropped his hands away from Bellamy, feeling a little like he'd been slapped. His lips parted, unsure what to say, and his brows drew together in an expression that was probably a mix of hurt and confusion.

And then Bellamy's words hit him. "You thought... you thought all I wanted was sex?" he asked, the surprise clear in his voice. "I've never-- I--" He cut himself off before he said anything too stupid. God, Bellamy didn't like Bryan at all, he'd just wanted to get laid. All that they'd said at dinner, was any of it real? The realization... hurt. Bryan looked away from Bellamy at the floor. "I asked you on a date to date you... I should probably go," he said, feeling stupid now, and headed for the door as he rebuttoned his pants.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy watched Bryan, noticing he didn't answer the question . . . but it seemed as if he'd been hurt. Confused. Surprised. If Bellamy knew what a kicked puppy looked like, he imagined it would be something like how Bryan was looking at him now. But there was no apology on Bellamy's expression. No words to express regret. Instead, he just watched Bryan, as he spoke of how he had asked him on a date to . . . date him. And that he should probably go. That was something that Bellamy wasn't going to dispute.

"Yeah, you should," he told him, taking the few days back toward the door and opening it for him expectantly. He supposed there was nothing else to say right now. The damage had already been done. Things were already awkward. And he wasn't sure there was anyway to come back from it tonight. Once Bryan left, Bellamy closed the door behind him. Sleep didn't come easy that night, just as it didn't any night. He never thought he would be so relieved to see the morning. His duties pulled him out at a decent hour and he spent the day working, trying to distract his mind from the confusion of last night. Bryan had wanted to date him. Wanted to get to know him.

Why? He still didn't understand it. Bellamy didn't feel that anything about him exuded a desire to want to get to know him. And he knew his attitude toward others was sometimes . . . well, not the most inviting. Not into his heart; not emotionally. And yet, a part of him felt bad for it. He wasn't even sure why. Maybe it was because he felt Bryan's intentions were truly innocent; that he was innocent. Genuine, wanting to get to know him as a person. Bellamy didn't think he could loathe himself any more than he already did but apparently . . . he was quite wrong.

That shift he noticed that Bryan wasn't there, and Bellamy wondered if it was intention or just a bizarre coincidence. But once his absence was noticed the next day and the few days after that as well, Bellamy realized that the younger male must be avoiding him. Part of him wanted to seek him out, wanted to try and talk through things . . . but it wasn't enough to act on it. Maybe because he knew it was best for Bryan. He didn't want Bryan to get sucked into Bellamy's darkened world. No one deserved to be trapped in there. But it seemed fate would have other plans.

After his shift, Bellamy made his way to the library, often finding some distraction here when it wasn't work or other people distracting him. Allowing him to escape his own mind. He paused however when he saw a familiar face. The Ark wasn't that big, but he would have thought it was big enough to not run into Bryan like this. But now that he had . . . perhaps it was a chance. "Hey," Bellamy said, approaching him, not even certain the guy would talk to him after what had happened. Bellamy couldn't even entirely blame him. "Can we talk?" He asked, very clear on the word 'talk' since . . . well, there was clearly a misunderstanding the last time.

[Deleted]

Bryan left Bellamy's apartment feeling awful, the fact that Bellamy was so quick to dismiss him only making everything worse. He didn't go straight home, knowing his parents would be able to tell something was wrong right away, and when he got home and slipped into bed, he didn't sleep well. All he could think about was that he'd tried so hard, and genuinely wanted to see Bellamy smile, and had his first kiss, and it all meant nothing to Bellamy. Bellamy had tolerated him until he could get what he wanted. Bryan could have been any warm body if all Bellamy wanted was sex.  And Bryan knew he'd looked probably as hurt as he felt, and Bellamy just dismissed him upon learning Bryan wasn't going to have sex with him.

He felt stupid, and as the days went by, he felt even a little ashamed that he'd let his first kiss happen like that. Maybe he was naive, but he didn't think most people considered "date" to be a code word for "casual sex". He didn't know what to think, and he sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone about it. So he stopped volunteering for waste duty at work to avoid the embarrassment of seeing Bellamy again. It pretty much worked until Bellamy approached him in the library.

Bryan looked up at him, his eyebrows raised, pressing his lips together. His heart was hammering in his chest, but he did his best not to show it. "Depends. Does 'talk' mean the same thing on Factory as it does on Farm? Because 'date' didn't seem to translate."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy took in Bryan's words, trying to read what tone he was using in them. It was a fair statement, considering they had both been on totally different pages. With totally different priorities. Perhaps it was the fact that Bryan had admitted to him early on that he didn't do this often, that had made Bellamy feel . . . guilty for his actions. To know that he put himself out there, and that he'd done it with the wrong guy. Anyone was better than him. Bryan deserved a lot better than him. But he wasn't about to express all his deep seated insecurities. That didn't mean he couldn't explain where he was coming from. So instead of answering his question, he offered an explanation. Or at least the start of one.

"I don't date," he said bluntly, admitting to this, or revealing this. His tone was indifferent, not making it sound like a good thing or a bad thing. "Not in the way you mean," he added on, just so they both knew what kind of 'dating' he was talking about. "Or maybe want." Because Bryan's reasons for asking Bellamy out had been different from Bellamy's reasons for accepting. "You picked the wrong person for that," Bellamy added, his tone blunt, unwanting of any sympathy or reassurance that he was wrong. "And . . . I didn't mean to hurt you." His words genuine. He hadn't meant to intentionally upset Bryan, or make him feel . . . however he had felt when he left his apartment. Bellamy may not know the specifics, nor know Bryan incredibly well, but he could see it in his eyes. His face. His expression. One that Bellamy wouldn't soon forget.

[Deleted]

Bryan frowned as Bellamy started talking. Why had Bellamy approached him? He was only saying things Bryan had already figured out on his own. Bellamy didn't date the way Bryan wanted, and Bryan had picked the wrong guy. Bryan was about to ask what Bellamy's point was, when Bellamy said he never meant to hurt him. It wasn't really an apology, but it was close enough. Bryan's expression softened so that he was no longer frowning, though he knew he looked unhappy still, looking down at the book he'd bee studying. "Yeah, well... Nothing you can do about it now." Especially if Bellamy had no interest in him. It sounded like Bellamy was pretty set on not letting anyone in.

He paused for a moment, wondering what else there was to say, and then he shook his head and looked back at Bellamy. "Why agree to dinner at all? If you thought my dinner request was really a sex request, why not just ask me to meet you at your apartment?" he said, his voice low. "I probably would have figured that out, and declined." A small part of him wanted to tell Bellamy that kissing Bellamy had been his first kiss, but not only did that feel embarrassing, he didn't want Bellamy's pity.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy supposed there wasn't anything he could do about it. Talking about it might not even help. But judging from the way this conversation was going . . . it could very well be their last. He wasn't sure why he felt oddly disappointed by that thought. Still knowing it was for the best. But he would give an answer to Bryan's questio, figuring that the guy deserved at least that. "I know you said you didn't do this often, but eating beforehand isn't exactly abnormal." Bellamy had pre sex dinner with other people, which was why he hadn't thought it out of the ordinary.

"You didn't figure it out when I invited you to my place?" Bellamy asked, curious now as to why Bryan had agreed to go with him. "What did you expect was gonna happen?" That they were going to talk he guessed. But still . . . they could have done that at the mess instead of shifting locations. He supposed there was misunderstanding on both ends, and while he wasn't placing blame on Bryan, he was trying to understand his mindset. Trying to figure out where they stood right now, if there was anything worth salvaging at all. Bellamy knew he shouldn't even care . . . but he did. And he hated that he did.n

[Deleted]

Bellamy said that eating beforehand wasn't abnormal, but Bryan didn't really have anything to say about that. He didn't know what was and wasn't normal when it came to this sort of stuff. It still seemed weird to not just skip to the sex if that was the point, but Bryan didn't question it. He just let Bellamy continue, asking what Bryan had expected.

Bryan shook his head, then shrugged. "I don't know. To talk. Maybe I thought you'd be more comfortable in private and talk to me more. I almost told you my parents wouldn't mind company, but figured you wouldn't want to deal with them when you seemed to struggle just to talk to me. I didn't know you knew whoever you live with wouldn't be there for however long you planned to..." For however long he'd planned to have sex with Bryan. He shook his head again, not wanting to finish that sentence. They both knew where it went. "Maybe I hoped to get a kiss at the end of the night. Maybe you'd agree to see me again." He knew his expression was disappointed. He wasn't sure why he was saying any of this. It felt a little too vulnerable, but the words had just come out. They probably sounded stupid to the guy who didn't date.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Bellamy listened to Bryan explain what he had expected, and he felt his heart sink. A heart that he doubted could feel anything but pain. He had pushed Bryan away, knowing that he could damage him . . it was all Bellamy ever did. Yet seeing him now, the disappointment on his face and words . . . making it clear that Bellamy had tainted him. Hed been drawn to Bryan because of his smile. It was so jovial, so beautiful. Bellamy wasnt naive or arrogant enough to believe that this would effect Bryan long term. He would get over it. But there was this sudden compulsion for Bellamy to want to be the one to make Bryan smile. To try and reverse some of the damage he had done to the younger male. He didnt need to tell Bryan that he lived alone, or that he was right in that he wouldn't want to meet his parents.

Right now, he wanted to work on recovering the damage; restore something so beautiful that he had destroyed. Something as simple as Bryan smiling at him. "Is it too late to agree to that now?" Bellamy asked, referring to his words of agreeing to a second date. "Or maybe i should ask if you'd agree to it," he continued, an underlying tone of playful teasing though he still did not smile. "A second date." He paused for a moment. "And when i say date, I mean your version of one," he clarified, just so this time. . . they were both on the same page. Bellamy had never done this before, and was terrified to do it now . . . though he carried an entirely stoic demeanor as his heart anxiously awaited Bryans answer.

[Deleted]

Bryan was surprised by Bellamy's response to what he'd said. Bellamy was suggesting a second date? A real one? Why? Bryan couldn't deny there was a small part of him that wanted that, a part of him that was hopeful Bellamy would come around, maybe realize that he' let someone walk away that only ever had good intentions, but from the way this conversation had started, Bryan had a hard time trusting it now.

"What happened to 'I don't date'? What happened to me picking the wrong guy for that?" Bryan asked. He held Bellamy's gaze, his expression serious, but not without a hint of hope. "What's changed in the last few minutes? Because I don't want you to date me because you feel bad or guilty about what happened. I don't need your pity. And I don't want you to date me with the end goal of just getting what you wanted the first time." He wanted to date Bellamy because he liked Bellamy, for whatever reason he was starting to question, and he wanted Bellamy to like him too. But Bryan wasn't convinced he did.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Bryan was asking Bellamy questions that he didn't know the answer to. It was understandable that he was apprehensive, hesitant but at the same time . . . Bellamy didn't know how to vocalize the answers that Bryan may be seeking out. He knew he wasn't an open book, and he was well aware that he wasn't an easy person to get to know, or even tolerate. But at least there was one thing he could easily respond to. "If that's all that I wanted, I wouldn't be coming to you for it." He was talking about sex, referencing Bryan statement of whether he knew that this was all with the intention to get what he wanted in the first place. Bellamy wouldn't put this kind of effort into it . . . these emotions. Whether it was visible or not now, he knew that it would be soon enough. Maybe. If Bryan gave him another chance. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be here. He could have just as easily avoided him and moved onto the next.

Maybe that was what was best. Or maybe he just . . . needed someone like Bryan. To remind him that there was a reason to smile in this hellhole of a world. "It's not pity," he added on, another statement that he could easily respond to. "I guess, some things are just worth it." Words he tried to pass off as nonchalant, but knew they held a deeper magnitude to them. Sometimes, things were worth asking for a second chance for. But Bellamy was starting to feel a little stupid, having no answer for Bryan's questions, and figured what he did say, was inadequate. "Is that a no then?" Because the longer he stood here, the more insecure he was feeling. Perhaps it was the unfamiliarity of having to hold these conversations. The inquiries rather personal, and while Bryan was justified in asking them, Bellamy was not used to answering them. And if it was indeed a no, then Bellamy would have to suffer the disappointment and knew he would have no one to blame but himself.

[Deleted]

"If that's all that I wanted, I wouldn't be coming to you for it." Right. Because Bellamy could get sex anywhere else, apparently. Bryan wasn't sure how to feel about that. Bryan knew there was nothing particularly handsome or sexy about himself--he wasn't unattractive, he knew, but he was just average--so why would Bellamy put in any extra work? Then again, maybe Bellamy meant that in the sense that he wouldn't use Bryan for just sex now that he knew it meant more to Bryan than just a physical act.

Bryan listened as Bellamy told him it wasn't pity, but what Bellamy said next got Bryan's attention. "I guess, some things are just worth it." It didn't answer Bryan's question about what changed, exactly, but it meant something. For some reason, Bellamy had decided Bryan was worth talking to today, worth trying their date again, the right way. Bryan didn't know why, but he couldn't think of any motivation for Bellamy to say that if it wasn't true. More hope crept onto Bryan's face, his eyes widening just slightly, the corner of his mouth tugging into something hinting at a smile.

When Bellamy then asked if Bryan's answer was a no, it felt like Bellamy was stepping back again. Like he said more than he wanted to, and was looking for an easy out. All Bryan had to do was tell Bellamy it was a no, and he was pretty sure Bellamy would walk away and probably never talk to him gaain. But Bellamy just admitted he thought Bryan was worth it, for whatever reason, so like hell Bryan was going to give him a reason to leave. "It's not a no," he said, finally smiling slightly, because this was the last thing he expected to happen if he ever saw Bellamy again. "Let's... start over," he added. Yes, Bellamy had hurt him, but it was a miscommunication, and if Bellamy was willing to try to make it right now, they could try this one more time. "You can sit down, if you don't have somewhere else to be."

Tag: Bellamy Blake