Beans In The Great Beyond

[Deleted]

Jackson had suspected that Bellamy was crying, but when he pulled his face away from Jackson's neck, the night air made the wetness on Jackson's skin more obvious. He slid his fingers into Bellamy's hair, unthinking, when Bellamy said he'd seen him. Jackson knew it was true, even if he also knew he hadn't seen much. He didn't even know the details of what Bellamy had told him, but he could tell by the way Bellamy was holding him back that it was true.

He'd dropped the hand in Bellamy's hair to Bellamy's shoulder when Bellamy pulled back, his eyes glistening as he thanked Jackson. Jackson was going to protest the thank you, but then Bellamy leaned in and kissed his cheek. Jackson sucked in a breath, letting his eyes flutter shut. He should pull away, but he couldn't. In fact his hand moved back into Bellamy's hair, holding Bellamy there. There was something so... human about this. Jackson needed it, craved it. It was a shock to his system that anyone could still want to kiss him, his heart rate speeding a little. Before he thought better of it, he turned his head and kissed Bellamy's lips. It was so easy, what they'd always done before. His mouth wasn't hungry or passionate this time, though. Just a gentle, emotional parting of his lips.

His mouth lingered against Bellamy's for several heartbeats before Jackson shook himself enough too pull away entirely with a sharp intake of breath. He stepped back, looking away from Bellamy at nothing in particular as his eyes prickled. "Supposed to be keeping watch," he reminded them both, then leaned against the rover and rested his head back against it, trying to compose himself again and blink back unshed tears. "You shouldn't be thanking me," he said after a moment. He didn't deserve the thanks. Or the kiss. Or the embrace.

He tried to remember what had been said before Bellamy asked why he wanted to now him. "If you tried to help, and people didn't let you, Bellamy, that's on them."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

During the embrace, Bellamy felt Jackson's hand move to the back of his head, further encouraging his actions. But then, he felt the male shift. Bellamy half expected him to pull away, but what he did next surprised him . . . in the best way possible. He felt the softness of Jackson's lips against his own. It made everything slow down. As if the darkness in the world ceased to exist for those few moments they were locked together. Bellamy was surprised; that anyone would want to touch him in a way that wasn't violent.

That anyone would want to be gentle or intimate with him. And he found himself craving it. The hug, the touch of their skin, the kiss. It wasn't just anyone, but Jackson that was offering him this comfort. Which made it all the stronger. Bellamy's lips moved against Jackson's in return. Slowly. Tenderly. It was void of that heated passion that often led to more. But somehow, this kiss, made everything else more intimate than ever before., Perhaps it was the build up. Perhaps it was the conversation. Perhaps it was the acknowledgment that they had both seen each other. Really, seen each other.

Whatever the reason, it flooded Bellamy's heart, consuming every fiber of his being and when Jackson pulled away, placing distance between them . . . it almost felt physically painful. Bellamy slowly opened his eyes, swallowing, trying to regain himself. Trying to pull himself together. He moved to lean against the Rover, telling him he shouldn't be thanking him. Before attempting to offer him comfort in that the blame was placed on the people who prevented him from helping.

Bellamy wished he could believe it. He wished he could tell him everything that happened. But . . . Bellamy had deserved every strike. Every punch. Every kick. And he couldn't bear the thought of anyone else looking at him like he deserved it, like all the others had. Though . . . deep down, he knew Jackson never would. And maybe that was the real reason that prevented him from telling him. Because he didn't deserve that compassion. Bellamy moved to lean against the Rover, next to Jackson, looking at the space in front of him as he folded his arms across his chest. "Timing, circumstance . . . nothing ever seems to be on our side." Bellamy slowly turned his head to look at Jackson, wanting him to know this.

"But, we really could have been something together. Something pretty damn incredible." The words were bittersweet. An admittance, that Bellamy could see himself with someone like Jackson. With all the medic made him feel, all that he caused to stir within him. And yet . . . it was heartbreaking because it would seem they never would have their chance to actually be more than what they were. And it was nearly devastating to Bellamy. Jackson might not even feel the same way, but Bellamy felt the words had to be said, regardless. "Why shouldn't I thank you?" He asked, an opening for Jackson to share his own burdens, if he wanted to. If he was able to. If he felt it would help at all. Bellamy wanted to be there for him, just as Jackson was always there for Bellamy.

[Deleted]

Jackson had managed to blink back his tears by the time Bellamy leaned on the rover near him and started talking. At first Jackson thought Bellamy was speaking generally about timing and circumstance. But then Bellamy continued and his words made Jackson's heart thud painfully in his chest. "But, we really could have been something together. Something pretty damn incredible." Jackson's eyes prickled again, and he ignored the tear that slid down his face when he blinked. He nodded. "Maybe." He drew a shaky breath and told himself it didn't matter that the idea sounded... amazing. It didn't matter that it hurt to imagine that that would never be a possibility. They were both broken right now. Jackson didn't deserve to have... what? Companionship? Love? Any of it. "Probably," he admitted after a moment. He couldn't let Bellamy say something like that and not acknowledge that her certainly felt it too.

Jackson frowned, trying to think of how to answer Bellamy's question. "I don't deserve it," he said, after a long pause. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "I did terrible things, Bellamy," he managed, his voice low, though Bellamy would be close enough to hear him. "I manipulated Abby into taking the chip. Raven..." He clenched his jaw and shook his head. The thought of telling Bellamy he'd handed Raven the scalpel himself still scared him. Raven and Bellamy were friends. What if that was the straw that broke this relationship he had with Bellamy. "Abby had to take the chip for Arkadia to fall. I made that happen."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy felt a relief in Jackson's words. Maybe. Probably. Indication that he felt it too. Whatever this incredible connection was between them. Whatever it was that kept drawing them to each other, after both of them knew that neither of them could be in a relationship. Bittersweet. And maybe it was something that neither of them would ever truly know. For now however, he focused on Jackson's words as he began to answer his question. Bellamy wanted to immediately protest, telling him that he did deserve it. But he held back, waiting for the doctor to finish. He said he did terrible things, that he manipulated Abby. Bellamy knew that in itself was incredibly difficult for Jackson to deal with, considering how close he was to Abby.

And if Raven was involved . . . well, Bellamy could understand the difficulty in coping with that. Even though he wished Jackson wouldn't blame himself. He didn't deserve that. "ALIE made that happen," Bellamy said in a low voice when Jackson had finished talking. He turned his body a little more so that he was facing Jackson. "Hey," he began in a continued low voice, a word meant to be reassuring though was fairly certain he lacked the ability to comfort anyone at this point.

"It wasn't you." It was ALIE. Bellamy knew that when he had seen what Raven was doing to herself. When he had seen what Abby did. When he had seen Kane's eyes while his hands were wrapped around his throat. "The fact that you feel this way now, regret, guilt . . . proves that." Because if it was even remotely him, then he wouldn't feel this way. "I can't imagine what it's like." His words holding emotion, pain for what his friend was enduring. "But I can tell you that what happened, wasn't your fault." But he knew that if he couldn't accept Jackson's words that exempt him from blame, then Jackson probably couldn't accept his either.

[Deleted]

Jackson could feel Bellamy watching him, saw out of the corner of his eyes that Bellamy had turned to face him. he let Bellamy talk, but it wasn't anything Jackson hadn't heard before. This was how everyone who'd been chipped was justifying their actions, and what everyone who hadn't been chipped told those who still struggled with it. "Alie couldn't make that happen without me. Without how well I new Abby. Without my memories. The fact that I didn't have complete control doesn't change how I feel about that."

He had made the choice to take the chip, after all. He'd done that of his own free will. No one had to slit their wrists for it. "I... I went to Jaha because I wanted to know why some of my patients were miraculously getting better," he said. He could feel tears clinging to his eyelashes as he spoke. When had he started crying? "In the course of an hour, he had me convinced to take it too." He huffed a bitter noise and shook his head. "If I hadn't been... stupid and selfish," he said, a hint of the anger he held towards himself coming out in those words, "things wouldn't have happened how they did."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Even though ALIE wasn't able to force anyone to take the chip, she had her ways of being convincing. Often preying on the bonds and ties that people had to each other. Raven cutting her wrists to force Abby for instance. But even on the flip side . . . Bellamy could understand why people had taken it. He looked forward again, knowing that nothing he said would assuage his guilt. He was blaming himself and while Bellamy didn't think he should . . . words were just words. The younger male couldn't alter how he felt about it, no matter how much he wished he could.

"You're neither," he told him, feeling the need to defend Jackson when he called himself stupid and selfish. "I don't blame you for taking the chip," he added on. He could understand why people did it. Everyone had their own reasons but gist of it was the same. The source was the same. Pain. Suffering. Torment. They wanted it to end. They wanted it to stop. Taking a deep breath, he continued. "This world has a tendency to make us to not feel human. Or maybe, too human." Not human in the misdeeds they did; too human in the pain that plagued them. Perhaps the latter was more application in this case. "ALIE knew that. She preyed on everyone for that. And . . . " He paused, turning back to Jackson. He reached out, putting his hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"If there was a way out of it. A way to make it stop, then how can we blame anyone for taking it?" He didn't blame Raven, or Jasper, or Jackson, or anyone else who had initially taken that chip without the same coercion as others. They were hurting. All of them. "You're human Jackson. There's only so much pain a person can take. And I wish . . . you weren't feeling more of it now." He wished he could do something. But he couldn't. He knew that. He was the last person who had a right to try and help anyone, because he often made things worse. All he could do now was express to his friend that he was here. Without judgment, without blame. And being whatever Jackson needed of him.

[Deleted]

Jackson wanted to protest that he was stupid and selfish, or at least he had been when he'd taken that chip. He was a doctor. He should have known better than to take some untested magic pill. But he was hurting. Ironically, he hurt more now as result of taking it. Jackson also held his tongue when Bellamy said he didn't blame him. Abby did. The most important person in Jackson's life. Even chipped, Jackson recognized the shock and disbelief on her face when she realized what he'd done. She hadn't even looked at him on his hands and knees in front of her before moving to embrace Kane after Clarke destroyed the City of Light. How could she not blame him?

Jackson listened as Bellamy continued, automatically leaning into Bellamy's touch when he squeezed his arm. Proof again that he was selfish. He didn't agree with Bellamy. They could absolutely be blamed for taking the chip. They hurt so many people, and Jackson had done it with a smile on his face. "Pain is part of what makes us human. I threw that away." Finally, he looked over at Bellamy? "Would you have taken it?" He doubted it. Here he was saying they couldn't be blamed, but Jackson couldn't imagine his answer to this question would be yes. Bellamy was better than that.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Jackson asked him a question that didn't have a clear answer. Bellamy had not taken the chip. He was at Arkadia, same as the others and thus, granted the opportunity to take it . . . but he hadn't. Yet his reasons were different. He wasn't strong for not taking it. It made him no more human, no better than anyone else. His head turned back to look ahead of him, jaw clenched as he tried to control his emotions. Which, was never really a strong suit. Especially considering he had already cried and given in to the vulnerability that he always felt around Jackson. And a safety at the same time. A comfort. It was what made him answer his question as honestly as he could.

Even if it was incredibly difficult to admit. He had meant what he said earlier, in that he feared Jackson's reactions to learning the truth about him. All the truths. "I couldn't," he began, his voice low. Forcing the words out, because Jackson deserved the truth. "I've . . . done so many things. The blood of almost a thousand people on my hands." The culling. Mount Weather. The delinquents they lost. Gena. The others lost in the explosion. His mother. So many people.

He took a deep breath, his mind thinking back to what the hallucination of Jaha had told him. Bellamy had begged for death, and Jaha had said that was too easy; that he was to live, breathe, suffer. And that was what Bellamy did. What he would continue to do. "Enduring this world. . . living, that's my punishment." Death was swift. Quick. Easy. A release from ones pain and misery. "And I don't deserve to be released of that. Not after everything I've done." So he hadn't taken the chip. Because it would end the suffering and his self hatred was stronger than the temptation to take the chip. "Why did you take it?" He inquired.

[Deleted]

Bellamy couldn't. Jackson expected that, but not for the reasons Bellamy gave. The blood of almost a thousand people? That seemed high to Jackson. He knew Mount Weather and the massacre of the army outside the walls of Arkadia had killed over 600. Was there more Bellamy blamed himself for? Or was Bellamy rounding up by several hundred? And in both cases Jackson knew about, Bellamy hadn't acted alone. He couldn't claim all that bloodshed was his responsibility only. Still, Bellamy thought that his pain was a punishment, and he felt it was deserved. Jackson knew something about that. He did now, anyway.

Bellamy's hand was still on his arm, so Jackson reached his other arm across himself to cover Bellamy's hand with his own. He couldn't convince Bellamy he didn't deserve his pain, so he offered comfort instead, glancing over at Bellamy as he asked why he took the chip before looking away. "Mount Weather was a big factor. None of those people would have been there when the mountain exploded if I hadn't convinced Abby to use the mountain's resources. And being one of two doctors in a war zone while the other doctor also has politics to worry about is... hard." That was an understatement. "Exhausting. Painful. I convinced myself it might make me a better doctor, but that was bullshit. I was just... hurting."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

The offered physical comfort was . . . effective. Allowing a warmth to go through Bellamy, appreciative of the gesture. He couldn't accept any words to sway his mind, just like he knew Jackson wouldn't. So instead, he listened quietly as he explained the blame he placed upon himself for Mount Weather. Bellamy wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault. That Pike would have shifted his people in there regardless. That Jackson was just looking out for the interest of their people, wanting to save them with what resources they had available to them.

Bellamy had seen how exhausted Jackson had been, perhaps not as well as he should have. But working with Kane, also allowed him to see Abby, and the impossibility of her succeeding in duel roles. Jackson of course felt the effects of it perhaps more than anyone. The younger male remained silent, taking in Jackson's words. He was aware that the male wasn't telling him so that Bellamy would absolve him or guilt, make excuses or try to exempt him. Even though he wished he could convince him it wasn't his fault. "Every decision we make, has consequences. Some worse than others." He had once told Clarke that it wasn't easy being in charge. But even when a person wasn't in charge, decisions they made had consequences.

"You did what was best for our people. You wanted to give them their best chance." To survive, to live, to thrive. Bellamy was the one who had left them. He had put his trust in a Grounder and they all died from it. But as he previously established, he had a feeling that Jackson wouldn't accept his words not want to be excused. But that didn't mean Bellamy was going to agree that he should carry the guilt. "If someone had died because we didn't go to Mountain Weather, you probably would have felt guilty for not fighting harder for the decision to go." Almost a tease, but not quite.

Bellamy was trying to demonstrate that decisions made, were always risks. And that they couldn't know what the right one was, until it was too late. "You made a choice. And it wasn't the wrong one. Because you did it with the intention to help and save our people." Had Mount Weather not been blown up, the choice would have been validated. As Bellamy thought, sometimes you didn't know the consequences . . . until it was too late. But justifying in the moment, that had to count for something.

[Deleted]

Jackson held a sigh as Bellamy tried to absolve him of what he'd done. It wasn't going to work, but he let Bellamy continue. It was true that if he'd let Nyko die, if he hadn't argued with Abby, he would have felt guilty too, but how did one life compare to all those that died in the explosion. Jackson dropped his hand away from Bellamy's, but shifted so that their shoulders touched where they leaned against the rover, selfishly wanting that contact.

"Isn't that what you did?" he asked, looking over at Bellamy. If Bellamy was going to insist on trying to logic Jackson out of his guilt, Jackson wouldn't hold back on doing the same any longer. "What you did at Mount Weather with Clarke and Monty, that was to save your people. That army outside our camp? I assume the intention was to save our people." Jackson wasn't sure what the logic had been on that one. He wasn't involved in politics. What he did know was that Pike and his soldiers had popular support and he had been in the minority. "And you didn't act alone in either of those instances, so you can't bear the sole responsibility."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy listened as Jackson questioned that being what he did. The contact only broken for a moment, and Bellamy was relieved that he had it remain in some way, right now, in terms of their shoulders. He remained silent until Jackson finished, letting additional moments pass before responding. "Our intentions may be the same, but there's a difference," he began. The intention was to protect their people; the way they went about it was drastically different.

"Whenever I try to save our people, it comes at the cost of other lives." And that was what separated them; that was what made the circumstances vastly different. Jackson had not killed one group to save another. Bellamy would hate for that kind of guilt to be on his good friend's conscience. God knows he had enough already which pained Bellamy to know. But Jackson did not sacrifice one person's life fro another. His decision was to only protect their people . . . without the cost of killing others.

"I've placed value on life. Deciding who should live and who should die." He had done that in Mount Weather. He had done that with the Grounders. Only, Mount Weather was different. Because he had killed innocent people; children. People who actively helped him. It wasn't fighting in a war against those citizens. Whereas the Grounders . . . while Bellamy still felt they had gone too far, they were a bigger threat. And they would have killed them. Besides, those in Mount Weather were people that Bellamy had interacted with. People who had trusted him. Actively risked their lives to save him.

Clarke and Monty had both lacked that rapport with them. Not that it was easier to commit genocide . . . but Bellamy couldn't explain it to them. Perhaps it was a good thing they didn't have that additional weight on their conscience. "I always put our people first. But it's come at a cost. That others had to pay for with their lives." And he had made those decisions. Granted, not by himself. Well, not all of them. It threatened the subject that Bellamy never spoke about to anyone. The topic of something that still haunted him. He couldn't look at Jackson while feeling this admittance arise.

He looked ahead, at nothing, but just to avert eye contact. "I pulled the radio out." Jackson was trying to reassure him that he hadn't acted alone, but in this case . . . he had. Maybe this would be the final straw. Maybe Jackson could no longer be around Bellamy after the male admitted to being directly responsible for his own people's deaths. "When Raven came down in the pod, I pulled out the radio, making sure we couldn't make contact with the Ark. I did it, to protect myself." Because he had shot Jaha and believed to have killed him. Thus, he would have been punished.

Assassinating the Chancellor was not something people just forgave and forgot. "If I hadn't . . . " He shook his head a little, assuming Jackson was aware of the situation of what that lacking contact had resulted in. "Things would have been different." The culling would not have happened that way. They would have more time, more hope. But Bellamy had taken both things away from them . . . because he had been selfish in only looking out for himself. It was not something he could blame anyone else for . . . and he didn't. He wouldn't.

[Deleted]

Jackson listened as Bellamy spoke, keeping to himself that he had also placed values on life. He'd also decided who should live and who should die. He'd decided if Raven died trying to convince Abby to take the chip, that was okay. He'd decided that a few people died on crosses, refusing to take the chip, that was okay. He'd even decided that if he personally had to kill Abby and Clarke, that was okay too. But Bellamy would just tell him that wasn't him.

Jackson was confused at first when Bellamy mentioned a radio. He let Bellamy keep talking, frowning slightly as he started to understand what Bellamy was talking about. The culling. It was far from a pleasant memory. They didn't know for sure if the kids were dying or taking off their wristbands. They were afraid they might all die, and not too far in the future either. When the kids had finally managed to signal them with rockets, it was just barely too late. They could have put the culling off longer, though there were people already experiencing health problems due to lowered oxygen levels. Jackson didn't think Kane and Jaha would have put the culling off. Not much longer, anyway.

"How could you have known?" he asked. "You didn't know Jaha was alive. You didn't know we were planning to cull over three hundred people." Abby had him listening to the radio, watching the tiles, desperately holding onto hope that the kids were okay. Jackson hadn't been so sure about that. "People were already suffering pulmonary toxicity. People, children, were going blind from oxygen deprivation. We needed six months worth of oxygen to try to save the Ark and we only had four. Those people would have died anyway." Jackson's tone was resigned. Defeated. He'd long since had to come to terms with what they'd done on the Ark that day, but his chest still ached when he remembered little Reese Lemkin. Her father sacrificed himself for her, and for what? Jackson hadn't seen her since landing on Earth. Had she died on the Ark anyway? "If it helps, everyone who died that day volunteered to die." He doubted it would help, but Bellamy should know that. Something occurred to Jackson suddenly, and he turned to look at Bellamy. "The wristbands. Was that you too?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

forgiveness

IS HARD FOR US

Bellamy listened to Jackson question how he could have known. But he should have. Clarke had. Why she hadn't told anyone . . . he had no idea. But he couldn't blame her for that. He wasn't thinking about anyone other than himself when he pulled out the radio. He thought it was just as easy as taking off the other delinquent's wristbands. But apparently, a lot more had been at stake. Something he'd found out too late. He continued to listen to his friend talk about how the lack of oxygen was affecting them, physical repercussions of it. The fact that they would have died anyway . . . didn't help. The fact that they had volunteered . . . didn't help. "I made it happen sooner," Bellamy stated. Who knew what could have happened had they made contact.

They could have given the Ark hope; hope to hold off a little longer. If they had decided to do it anyway . . . well, what was the point in thinking of what if scenarios. The fact was, Bellamy's actions had directly resulted in the culling happening then. At that moment in time. "I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself," he admitted, clearly not proud of that. "Those people, my people." Men, women, possibly even children. It was a genocide he had committed -- or at least helped commit -- just like Mount Weather. "Parents of the others . . . " It was a big part of why he had gone into Mount Weather. Because he owed the delinquents after what he had done. His life had never been his on the Ark, devoted to his family, and nor was it on the ground, devoted to his people. He could feel Jackson's gaze on him as he asked about the wristbands.

It was enough to make Bellamy swallow, ashamed of his answer as he slowly nodded his head. He may as well come completely clean about everything. Maybe then, Jackson would truly understand what a monster he was. "I thought it would prevent, or at least delay the Ark from coming down, if they thought everyone was dying from radiation." Once again, he had not been considering anything or anyone else apart from himself. "I convinced the others to take them off." Rallied up the masses. Blackmailed them into only eating if they removed it. Bribed them. Whatever the hell we want. A notion that Bellamy now felt sickened by, all too aware of the consequences of his selfish actions.

[Deleted]

Jackson knew Bellamy wouldn't accept his words, his reassurances that Bellamy didn't know what would happen on the Ark and that it had been inevitable anyway. It wasn't surprising that Bellamy would keep blaming himself, even after what Jackson said. Jackson just held a sigh. "You didn't press the button to terminate the airflow to Section Seventeen, and there were never enough dropships to save everyone anyway," he said softly.

When Bellamy started to nod slowly in answer to his question, Jackson nodded too, just once, then turned to lean his head back against the rover again, looking up at the sky. "We worked so hard on those," he said, huffing a breath. "They were kind of incredible." He wasn't angry or upset. They'd dropped a hundred teenagers to the ground to possibly die. He could see why some of them would be angry enough to never want to see anyone from the Ark again, especially with someone like Bellamy encouraging them to remove them. And he knew Bellamy probably expected to be executed if the Ark came down. It stung slightly, but Jackson had probably been the farthest thing from Bellamy's mind when they'd hit the ground. "We're lucky Abby never gave up hope. Everybody else did."

He looked back over at Bellamy after a long moment. "The Ark never gave you any reason not to hate us." He didn't know how Bellamy would react if he outright said he forgave him, so this was the closest he'd go for now.

Tag: Bellamy Blake