After The Light Went Out

[Deleted]

The pain and exhaustion hit Jackson like a lead weight when the City Of Light went dark. He'd crumpled to the floor, suddenly wondering how long it had been since he'd slept. He wasn't injured, but his entire body hurt, probably more than it normally would have, had he not just been in a place of peace that was entirely pain-free to compare the present moment to. For a long time, he stayed on his hands and knees, surveying the room in horror over what he'd done. Everyone was hugging and crying because they'd just escaped this hell Jackson had brought on them. It was his fault that Arkadia fell.

He was one of the last people to his feet, but he didn't care. He couldn't even look people in the eyes. And for a while, he just forced his exhausted body to function on autopilot. Get down from the tower. Help treat the myriad of injuries chipped people had let become infected because they couldn't feel it, and what did their bodies matter anyway? Help treat crucifixion wounds. Help transport patients back to Arkadia. He just worked.  And worked. Until Abby finally made him take a break. They hadn't really been speaking, other than what they needed to say to treat patients together. Jackson wasn't sure if she hated him for his part in everything, for manipulating her into taking the chip, or if she felt guilty for holding a gun to his head. Maybe it was both. Either way, when Jackson finally slept, Abby looking at him over the barrel of a gun featured prominently in his nightmares.

Days passed and things started to slow down in medical. Jackson knew he looked rough. He wasn't sure he'd ever catch up on the sleep he'd missed (and the more he did, the more the nightmares woke him, instead of him being able to sleep through them), and scruff was starting to show on his face. He went to the mess and got something to eat and a cup of moonshine. He couldn't remember the last time he'd drank, but now seemed as good a time as ever to do it again. As long as he didn't get drunk, it might soothe his nerves and shut up the constant negative thoughts in his mind a little.

He found a quiet spot to sit, away from everyone else. He'd hurt almost everyone here. He could still barely look people in the eyes; he didn't deserve their company. And he wasn't good company himself these days anyway.  He ate his beans and sipped his drink, which spread an unfamiliar warmth through his chest as he stared at his plate.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

You're dead to me.

He's the enemy.

These were the words that made Arkadia feel less like a home than ever before. Most everyone came out alive after ALIE was destroyed. They had worked on recovering the wounded . . . but like Mount Weather, the physical injuries didn't run as deep as the psychological and emotional ones. That, would take far more healing. As before, Bellamy immersed himself in what needed to be done. But so much had happened. Pike was dead; murdered. His sister hated him. And Kane . . . well, Bellamy hadn't even spoken to the man. Instead, he left his guard's jacket in the council room. He couldn't do it anymore.

He couldn't lead these people when they hated him. When they saw him as the enemy. Kane would most likely be Chancellor, and Bellamy couldn't bring himself to speak with the man who lost all faith in him. A man that Bellamy had considered a father figure, but apparently . . . the younger male had massively overestimated his bond with the once Chancellor. Octavia . . . he hadn't spoken too either. She had left, and she may be back. But she made it clear that she held nothing more for Bellamy; no affections, nothing. It hurt more than any physical attack. Clarke was here, but hell, the former guardsman couldn't even confide in her. He had set his differences aside for the sake of their people, but that didn't mean he could fully forgive her.

So what was left in Arkadia for him? A few delinquents who also saw him as the enemy considering what happened in the cave? A few guardsman who didn't quite know what to make of Pike's death? Arkers who were in the process of healing? Bellamy just didn't know. He couldn't leave but damn, it hurt to stay. Seeing all the emotional turmoil around made him aware that he had no right to feel sorry for himself. He didn't. He just felt . . . tired. Defeated. Dead, on the inside. As if Octavia's words had truly destroyed him. He numbly made his way to where a few others were having a meal. He wasn't hungry, but his eyes caught someone in particular. Perhaps, someone who would not hate him.

Or maybe he did. He should. But Bellamy also had heard what happened; saw what happened. Jackson had been chipped. He hadn't spoken to the man at length since . . . well, since everything went to hell. And now, it seemed to be calming down, but that didn't mean he wasn't concerned for him. They had a past, and Bellamy was far from willing to just neglect Jackson. Making his way over, he stood near the chair across from him, though since it was a small table, it wasn't far at all. "Hey," he said in a low voice. "Mind if I join you?" He asked, not wanting to impose or intrude, but damn he hoped he was alright with him sitting here. Jackson looked liked he had been through hell, and the man had helped Bellamy through the lowest points in his life. Bellamy wanted to do the same for him. Not because he felt he owed him . . . but because, it was Jackson. And that was reason enough.

[Deleted]

Jackson didn't look up when he saw someone approach his table. He half-hoped that not looking up would either make the person leave, or at the very least share the table silently. But when Bellamy spoke, when Jackson recognized that deep voice, he sucked in a slow breath and closed his eyes. Before he'd taken the chip, Jackson hadn't been happy with Pike's leadership and tactics, and he knew Bellamy had settled on the opposite side than him, had helped attack a sleeping army. But Jackson never had and never would like politics. He would never make those calls. And after what he'd done, after watching people, his people, get nailed to crosses with a smile on his face, he had no room to judge.

And well, Bellamy had always been someone he'd kept coming back to. No matter what had happened. It felt magnetic. There was part of Jackson that felt like it would be impossible to ever push Bellamy away.

"I'm not very good company right now," he said, opening his eyes and taking another sip of his drink without looking up. He didn't deserve even Bellamy's help right now.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy thought over his word choice, deducing that perhaps Jackson wasn't entirely rejecting of company. Hopefully. The two of them had always seen each other at their worst. Only this time, Bellamy wanted to help comfort his friend, rather than claiming all the comfort himself. "That makes two of us," he said as he slightly pulled out the chair to sit across from Jackson. He looked intently at the man, trying to imagine what it was to be chipped . . . but as he wasn't, that was pretty much impossible.

So, Bellamy could only ask a question that would help him gain some insight. "How are you holding up?" He asked, genuine concern in his voice. "And I think we know each other well enough to not give a generic reply." An almost tease, but lacking joviality. It held truth. Hypocritical perhaps considering Bellamy had often answered with the response of 'fine' . . . but he knew that Jackson wasn't. And he hoped the man would open up to him. Or at least indicate what he needed to help him through this.

[Deleted]

Jackson sighed as Bellamy asked how he was, and flicked the side of his cup with his fingernail when Bellamy finished. "I can't remember the last time I drank alcohol, if that tells you anything," he said, taking another small sip. He needed to pace himself. Stay just comfortable enough, without actually getting drunk and potentially putting people in danger should a medical emergency come up. "Abby can barely look at me. Things are great."

He still hadn't actually looked at Bellamy. He just pushed his food around on his plate for a moment, then added, "Sorry about your girlfriend." He'd seen Bellamy and Gina together in camp. They'd looked happy. Jackson had ignored the funny ache in his chest, and put the thought of ever showing up at Bellamy's quarters again unannounced out of his head. After the Mount Weather explosion, Jackson had felt so guilty for his part in people moving into Mount Weather that he hadn't been able to say anything to Bellamy. And then everything had gone to hell.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

His words were quite telling. He was drinking. Drinking to numb the pain. Bellamy knew about that, though he didn't do the same. But he seen it in others, as a coping mechanism. Something told Bellamy that Jackson wouldn't do it to the extent of compromising his abilities as a doctor . . . but the fact that he was sitting here at all and drinking, indicated just how much he must be hurting. His next words further revealed that. Everyone knew how close Jackson and Abby were; Jackson had even articulated it to Bellamy before.

Losing that person . . . was never easy. But Abby was at least still alive. There was still hope for them. Unlike some. unlike Gena, which was mentioned by Jackson. Upon the offered condolence, Bellamy averted his gaze, clenching his jaw to fight back the emotion. Gena was dead because of him. All those people were, and not a day went by when he didn't think of her. She had been his first relationship; she had been his only one. And she had been . . . so damn special. But he couldn't dwell in that now.

This wasn't about him and his pain. Regaining his composure, giving a small nod in response to his words, Bellamy turned his head back to face Jackson. "You should talk to her." Abby. "What happened with you two . . . " Bellamy didn't know the full details, but he'd heard bit sof pieces of what the others had done, what had almost happened. "Isn't something that can't be fixed." Bellamy reached out his hand, placing it over Jackson's for a moment in the hopes that he would look at him.

"Hey," he added, his eyes fixated on Jackson. "You once told me that she's the most important person in your life." Words that he had said when reminding him of who he had saved, not that it mattered now considering all the people he had killed and failed. "Don't let that go." Because Bellamy had lost the most important person in his life, his sister. And with that, a part of him had died . . . a part that would never be restored. He didn't want anyone else to feel that same loss, least of all Jackson. With that, he drew his hand back from having rested on top of Jackson's.

[Deleted]

Jackson fought the urge to yank his hand away from Bellamy's when he'd touched him. He'd always liked physical contact, the comfort of touch, both giving and receiving it. But he didn't deserve it now. There were days Jackson found himself wishing Clarke had taken just a few more seconds to shut down the City of Light. If she had, Jackson wouldn't be here. He wouldn't have to feel the way he did. There were moments when he thought maybe it would be fitting if he died now the way he'd almost let Raven die. But the idea of further burdening Abby by leaving her the sole doctor in camp kept him from doing anything like that.

He curled his fingers around his cup again, then pushed it to the side before letting the sudden impulse to down the rest of it took over.

Jackson huffed a tiny, almost bitter laugh after a moment, shaking his head. "We'll talk when she's ready. If she's ever ready. I betrayed her, and everyone in Arkadia in the process. What right do I have to turn around and ask for forgiveness?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy knew that a generic response of 'it's not your fault' wouldn't do any good. He knew that from personal experience. Forgiving oneself was the hardest thing to do. Bellamy still hadn't. And probably never would. He was all too aware that him, of all people, was the least deserving to live. Hell, everyone else knew it too. He looked at Jackson, pensively silent before finally speaking. "Do you think that what Abby did was betrayal? Or what Kane did? Or Jasper?" Word had of course gotten around. Abby tortured Clarke. Jasper stabbed Monty. Kane crucified others -- and Bellamy was fairly certain that others assisted with that.

But then again, it wasn't really them and that's what Bellamy wanted to reinforce. "That wasn't you. That wasn't any of you. It was ALIE. And she's gone now." She left her mark, but they hadn't been in control of their actions. Their true selves never would have done any of that. As much as Kane perceived him as the enemy, even he knew that he would not choke him to death . . . because that wasn't Kane. Just like it wasn't Abby who was torturing Clarke. Just like it wasn't Jackson who had done whatever he did while under the AI's influence.

[Deleted]

Jackson pressed his lips together. Abby wouldn't have hurt Clarke if Jackson hadn't manipulated her into taking the chip, which meant Kane wouldn't have wound up chipped either. Jackson remembered calmly watching Kane throw the chip he'd been given by Jaha, smiling because he knew. He knew they would get Kane.

Jasper, at least, wasn't on Jackson's conscience. Jasper fled with Raven the night Arkadia fell.

"Alie required free will," Jackson said. He knew it was a grey area, given Alie used coercion when people she needed on her side wouldn't say yes otherwise. But he'd felt like himself chipped. Just pain-free... with altered priorities. "Maybe they did betray people," Jackson started. "But I--" He choked on the words, feeling his eyes sting as they watered. He lifted his head from staring at his plate so the tears wouldn't spill over and looked away across camp. "Alie needed Abby for Arkadia to fall. I gave her that." He paused then added, "I handed Raven the scalpel she used to slit her wrists," finally looking back and meeting Bellamy's gaze for the first time since the other man sat down. He wanted to see it when it hit Bellamy that he had been--or maybe still was--a monster.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had heard about ALIE needing free will, but he was also aware that there had been ways that other were coerced into taking it. Jackson explaining what happened was one such example. "ALIE preyed on everyone where." She had taken advantage of their traumatized state; of the torment, guilt, fear, trauma, pain . . . everything. "If you weren't there to hand her the scalpal, someone else would have." But Bellamy stood by what he said before as well.

"It wasn't you. Anyone who was chipped, it wasn't really them." Bellamy's mind flashed to seeing what Raven had tried to do to herself . . . kill herself, only for ALIE to not let them have her. He knew that Abby had tortured Clarke, trying to get information from her . . . hang herself in front of her. "ALIE did a number on everyone here, Jackson." And they were coping with that. "You're not alone in that. And you shouldn't go through it alone." Going through things like this alone, was extremely difficult. Bellamy had first hand experience with that.

[Deleted]

Jackson watched Bellamy as he spoke. Bellamy hadn't flinched at what Jackson had revealed, and by the time Bellamy was done talking, Jackson's vision was swimming. When he blinked, tears rolled down his face, which he quickly brushed away as he lowered his gaze again to his plate. His stomach still felt empty, but he had no desire to eat anymore.

"It was me," he said quietly. "No matter what Alie's influence was, it was me. Someone else could have handed that scalpel over, but it was me. Without me, Alie may have chosen a different tactic entirely. Talking about how it could have been different doesn't make it different. I remember being at peace with that. I remember smiling when they nailed spikes into people's wrists. I remember fully intending to kill Clarke, maybe even Abby if I'd had to to get to Clarke." The more he spoke, the harder it was to keep the emotion out of his voice, and harder to hold back tears. "It wasn't me, but it was me."

He sucked in a sharp breath, and scrubbed his hand over his face, looking up again, but not at Bellamy. He couldn't get emotional. Not here. Not now. And he couldn't burden Bellamy with this, not when Jackson was sure Bellamy had had his own struggles while Jackson had been enjoying the bliss of the City of Light. "I can't do this," he said, wiping all traces of emotion from his face and voice.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Jackson, able to relate to him more than he knew. Maybe Bellamy hadn't nearly killed people he was close to . . . but he had murdered by the hundreds. And he had no AI to blame for it. But damn, he wished Jackson and the others blamed the AI rather than themselves. It wasn't their fault. None of what happened was their fault. He quietly watched Jackson, seeing the tears in his eyes, and the emotions on his face . . . all too aware that nothing he could say would truly soften the pain. Bellamy had lost that capability he supposed. After a few moments of silence, he spoke once again. "You could have taken the chip, watched someone nearly die so that you would take it, or be nailed to the cross." Those were the options that they had been faced with.

"It wasn't you." Reinforcing that fact. "If it was, then you wouldn't be feeling this way right now." Guilty. Pained. Tormented. "You have your humanity back Jackson. And it's hard, I know. It's damn hard to forgive yourself for everything." Bellamy hadn't so he couldn't exactly tell Jackson to either. He could only remind him that it wasn't him. That what ALIE had made him do, wasn't because he actually wanted to do it. "But the only way you're gonna get through it, is letting in the people your closest to." Abby for instance. Going through something like this was alone was never the best path to take. Sometimes it was the one that a person felt they deserved . . . isolation, suffering in solitude, but Bellamy didn't want that for Jackson. Not when there were others around who genuinely cared about him.

[Deleted]

Jackson shook his head after Bellamy finished. Bellamy couldn't really understand what being chipped felt like. It had drastically altered Jackson's priorities, but it was still him. People did things they felt awful for later all the time. This was no different. "I'm willing to let them in. But it has to be on their terms," he said. He wasn't going to force Abby to look him in the eyes. Or Clarke. Or Raven. Or anyone, for that matter.

He looked back at Bellamy, feeling tired, wanting to change the subject. He studied Bellamy's face for a moment, eyes moving over the healing cuts that looked like they would probably leave scars. "What happened to you?" he asked. "You've looked better." Any other day, before this last month, that might have been a tease.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Their terms. Once again, Bellamy could understand that. He had done things with the assumption that he wouldn't have to go through it alone . . . but that plan had backfired. Severely. "Sometimes we need to take the first step." Bellamy couldn't imagine Abby rejecting Jackson the way his daughter had Bellamy. But then, he didn't know for sure. He only knew that the doctor shouldn't be alone because he felt like he deserved it.

He also picked up on the cue that Jackson wanted to change the subject . . . yet talking about himself, wasn't exactly one that Bellamy wanted to burden him with. Ironic. Considering Jackson was opening up to him. "Nothing," he said dismissively, looking at thet able in front of him, knowing it was an unfair answer. At this point it wasn't even as if he was trying to push everyone away. He just knew how they felt about him. How they percieved him.

As he had felt the moment they stepped back in Arkadia . . . this place no longer felt like a home. "Guess I've felt better," he admitted in a low voice, his eyes meeting the doctor's. "Then again, we all have." It wasn't just him; it shouldn't be just about him. He had apparently screwed up beyond repair. And now he had to face the consequences of that. "I suppose we both have our reasons for keeping to ourselves," he added, the words would have been a tease but lacked the basic humor and joviality of one.

[Deleted]

Nothing.

Jackson pressed his lips together and nodded. He should have expected an answer like that. He wasn't unaware that, in spite of how intimate their connection had felt on the nights they'd spent together in the past, Jackson had revealed much more of himself to Bellamy than Bellamy ever had to him. It was part of why Jackson had called the other man confusing the last night they'd been together. He always hoped that his own openness and vulnerability would inspire Bellamy to do the same, but it never had. Jackson wasn't sure why he kept trying, except that he was inexplicably drawn to Bellamy. And maybe he was selfish. Maybe as uncomfortable as it was, as frightening as it was, Jackson deep down wanted to talk to someone, and Bellamy felt safe.

Bellamy continued, but quickly turned the conversation back to everyone but himself. Jackson held a sigh. "I suppose we do," he said. "Remind me again what you were saying about letting people in?" he added pointedly. Sure, Bellamy had said something about letting the people you were closest to in, and he probably didn't see Jackson as 'close'. But they had a history, and they always seemed to get each other when they were together. That was a start. Jackson didn't know Bellamy's reasoning for sitting at his table, but he was here, nonetheless.

Tag: Bellamy Blake