I Get Jealous

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

i'm  writing

MY OWN DAMN STORY

Things were relatively calm in Arkadia. It was allowing everyone the chance to breathe, to be at ease . . . and that ease did come. For the most part. For Bellamy, it was found in the company of a particular male Arker. One that Bellamy never thought we could be so engaged with. But he was. And the more time he spent with him, the more he felt it. He had never been in a romantic relationship before and well, he wasn't even sure if that was what he and Murphy had. All he knew was that they had been physical a few times now . . . and for Bellamy, it was turning into something emotional. Even though he hadn't admitted it to anyone. Hell, maybe not even to himself.

They hadn't defined it, they barley spoke of what it was they had. But what was clear, at least to Bellamy . . . was that it felt pretty damn good every time he was with him. And part of him, most of him . . . didn't want to screw that up. Which was why right now, he had no interest in the woman before him, despite her very clear interest. Despite Bellamy's past sexcapades, fidelity didn't seem a problem for the male.

There was something within him that felt compelled to stay loyal to Murphy . . . he couldn't explain it. Nor did he attempt to. All he knew was that despite her close proximity, and her casual hand on his chest, he even more casually separated the contact, not about to put any ground work in with her when it wasn't going to lead to anything. He was more excited over the thought of seeing John later, than anything this particular woman was trying to stir up. But he still gave a slight smile, continuing the conversation though he felt it reaching a conclusion soon enough. And fortunately, being in the Hangar provided numerous other distractions.

[John Murphy]

Murphy was reluctant to have much hope in anything. It was no melancholy way of viewing the world, more realistic. Nothing lasted. It was better and easier to expect the worst, or at least something mediocre, otherwise he'd be setting himself up for the inevitable disappointment. However, lately he'd found himself swaying towards optimism, if only brief flickers of it. Whatever he had going on with Bellamy was serving as a source of both pleasure and irritation, but he was handling it. Murphy would make sure it was insignificant, nothing wrong with a little fun on the way, as long as he kept his distance in any other way than physical. 

It was turning out to be harder than envisioned, with attachment somehow beginning to weave its way in as he found himself thinking of Bellamy in more than just the 'active' sense. Perhaps he already had before he acknowledged the thought, and even now he was still attempting to burn the idea from his mind. That too was failing. A few steps into the Hangar and his gaze was soon drawn to Bellamy before snapping to the woman vying for his attention. A tilt of her head, a lean towards, and so close. And there was Bellamy, smiling and chatting away.  

Murphy hinted a sneer at the feeling that rolled over him, though he didn't dare put a definition to it. He'd been annoyed by Bellamy Blake plenty of times, this was nothing. So much nothing that he made sure to walk right by the two of them without so much as a glance, heading further into the Hangar. With a distinct need to antagonize, he chose to sit next to Bryan who was seated alone for now. The other looked up to offer a somewhat uncertain smile and Murphy forced a more convincing one right back, striking up a conversation. A question about Miller.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Just as Bellamy's thoughts rested on Murphy, the male walked in and Bellamy paused to glance at him . . . but he walked right by him. Had he not seen him? With the woman still talking, Bellamy looked to her for a moment, but he was distracted. Distracted by the fact that Murphy was now talking to Bryan. And . . . he looked friendly with him. Bellamy currently didn't know the status of Miller and Bryan's relationship, as he was assuming they were still together.

But, there was something about the way that Murphy was conversing with the male that left Bellamy unsettled. He didn't know how to define what he was feeling. It didn't feel good though. It was a sort of burning anger, a stabbing in the pit of his stomach. One word came to mind . . . a word that he had never experienced before. Because he had never cared about someone enough to care if they were talking to another person.

He never had those romantic ties and yet right now, he didn't like what he saw. Instead of going to break it up or anything, he decided to fall deeper into a pit of denial. He turned his attentions back to the woman and this time, smiled at her, leaning in closer to her. So close, that he spoke in her ear a flirtatious remark and caused her to giggle rather loudly. Good. Hopefully Murphy would hear her. Because . . . Bellamy Blake refused to get jealous. And yet, it seemed to be too late for that.

[John Murphy]

Bryan was thankfully chatting to him quite politely. Friendly despite a touch of confusion in his expression. It was understandable considering Murphy had barely spoken to him before, and any past conversations had been trivial and brief. Murphy was glad of this amiable reaction, although he wasn't sure where to start with flirting, especially since the other was talking about their boyfriend. Instead he made sure he was sat close, attentive, gaze occasionally drifting to Bryan's mouth as he spoke, and all along not quite sure why. The joy of aggravation. He reasserted that's all this was without delving into reasons. 

At this stage, he was merely urging more from Bryan about Miller, the other's features lighting up a little more with each word while Murphy listened. Until a loud giggle from Bellamy's direction had him automatically glancing over, up to which point he'd managed to avoid paying any heed to Bellamy and the woman. Bryan's voice faded a moment or two as Murphy lost track of what he was saying, focusing a little longer than he wanted on Bellamy's giggling companion with a sudden potent loathing. It was still a mere few seconds before he turned his attention once again to Bryan, easing a fraction closer with a grin, encouraging more conversation.  

Murphy couldn't take it in now, his thoughts centered on making a pass of some kind, figuring he needed to make the other laugh as if he was in competition with the one person he didn't want to think about right now. Only he was. He couldn't stop. And the more he thought of him the more restless he became for reprisal. It came with a lean even closer to Bryan, almost shoulder to shoulder as if conspiring. Who cared what Bellamy Blake was doing?

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

When Bellamy drew back from having whispered comments in the woman's ear, he chanced a look over at Murphy to see if he noticed, or was doing anything about it. But . . . instead, he caught sight of Bryan smiling brightly, and Murphy mirroring the expression. It made Bellamy feel sick in a way he never thought he would before. Why did he care? What did it matter? He hated that he did care. He hated that it did matter. Had he felt more with Murphy than he should have? Was . . . whatever they had so one sided? Bellamy was used to being the one to engage in physical intimacy with no promise of another time. With no hope for a futre. He didn't do relationships. And yet, with Murphy . . . was did it feel so different?

Was he the one who was so blinded by infatuation? Surely it was more than that. Mount Weather had made him vulnerable, sure, but being with Murphy made him feel . . . alive. As if he had a soul. Was that something that could be found with anyone? He wouldn't know. For he hadn't been with another physically since Murphy returned and since after they started their . . . whatever the hell it was. A bitter part of Bellamy wanted to find out. Wanted to see if it was just Murphy, or if he could find that with anyone. Although, deep down, Bellamy already knew the answer.

Still, it did not stop the impulsive, over emotional reaction elicited from these deep seated feelings of . . . jealousy. Yes. That was what it was. Damn jealousy. Seeing the way that Murphy could make Bryan smile. He thought that he had been the one privy to that; the only one. But apparently not. And it made Bellamy irrationally frustrated. Agitated even. To the point where he just become impulsive. Whispering in the woman's ear once more, he then took her hand in his, as her own smile grew in anticipation. Holding her hand, he turned to look at Murphy once more, before leading her out of the Hangar . . . and somewhere they could have more privacy.

[John Murphy]

Bryan was easing somewhat now, engaged in talking about Miller with such genuine fondness, he appeared to be forgetting that it was odd Murphy had suddenly taken an interest. Although it had been feigned interest at first, he was now actually taking a little of it in, a few comments here and there. They sounded happy. Apparently, people could be. Still, for how long? Maybe one day Bryan would find Miller consorting with a giggling irritation too, and that would be the end of it. 

No, that was ridiculous, it was hardly the same thing. Nowhere near. Those two were in a so-called committed relationship as far as Murphy could tell. That would never happen for him and what a relief. No concerns about anybody getting under his skin if he just kept his distance. Maybe he'd thought Bellamy was sneaking his way in for a moment there, but Murphy wasn't going to let that happen. As if to reassure himself on the matter, he cast his gaze across the Hangar, and any resolve he had deserted him. 

Bellamy had left with the woman. Hand in hand even. There was a desperate attempt to claw back some kind of protection, barricade himself from this wave of emotion as it rose up threatening to sweep him away. Anything to shut down what felt like an onslaught. He felt sick. Bryan's voice drifted back in and Murphy snapped his attention back his way, the other asking if he was okay. His expression must have shifted, smile dropped so quickly that Bryan had reverted to his look of hesitant confusion. "... Good talk." With that he was up and out of there, leaving the Hangar to head along the halls silently cursing himself for feeling anything. Cursing Bellamy for existing. Cursing Bryan and Miller for what they had going. He was quick to pull up the walls, with every step attempting to drag himself from this... feeling. People could be happy together? What a joke.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy hadn't been able to do it. He knew he had been lying to himself when he had led her out of the Hangar, going to her apartment . . . and acting like he could engage in physical intimacy with her. Some time ago, it wouldn't have been a problem. Bellamy had made sure never to get emotionally connected to anyone; disallowing one night to turn into something deeper than just sex. But that pattern seemed to be broken. His inability to kiss her back when she leaned in clear proof of that. He hated himself for leading her on, because it had been a spout of anger that prompted him to do so. Perhaps, more so anger at himself. He inwardly cursed Murphy for having disrupted what was normal for Bellamy.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be with someone, that he didn't want to be in a relationship. It was that . . . he knew he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve happiness. And the realization that that was what he was finding in Murphy, was too much to handle. Yet he couldn't just switch it off. He had pulled away from the kiss, hardly reacting to it as one normally would, and dismissed himself, saying that he had to go, and leaving the woman standing there. He made his abrupt exit, standing on the other side of the door and walking away. He didn't like this. At all. It was dangerous. Not for him, but for the man he was getting involved with. The man who . . . may not even feel the same way. And . . . damn it, the man who was walking toward him in the hallway. Arkadia wasn't that big, but he knew it was big enough for this to be coincidence.

Murphy didn't look entirely pleased either. At least that was something they were currently sharing in common. Bellamy continued to walk forward, and when he was to pass Murphy, he spoke. "You done getting in the way of Miller and Bryan's relationship?" He practically accused. Bellamy wasn't one to get involved in other people's relationships. It wasn't his business. Even with Miller who was one of his best friends -- though he did feel that protective instinct toward him. But the words said now, came out of a slight bitterness, minimized only by Bellamy's ability to remain stoic. Because inside, he was fuming at the thought. Not of Murphy getting between another couple, but of Murphy showing interest toward someone else.

[John Murphy]

Great. He had to choose the exact same hallway as Bellamy. The very last person he wanted to see right now, maybe ever. He couldn't help wonder as to the whereabouts of the woman the other male had led away, although not enough to actually investigate. He didn't give a damn, right? Or so he was telling himself. He'd rather have avoided any interaction at all, but they were quickly nearing each other and there was no way Murphy was going to back up and take a detour. He'd merely keep walking and pass by as if the other were invisible. As if he didn't matter, even if Murphy was trying to convince himself that was true. Still working to stamp out any stubborn flame that flickered for Bellamy.

The question stopped him in his tracks. Seriously? He was going with this? After he'd sauntered off with that woman who was now... who knew where? There was a passing temptation to snap a comment about how quick Bellamy had been, but that would be too close to caring. Murphy had no intention of getting in any relationship, never mind in the middle of someone else's, but Bellamy's accusation only encouraged Murphy to make him believe he would. 

A look of disbelief gave way to a sly grin as he offered an answer. "No, I'm not done. Me and Bryan? We're going to get frisky later while Miller's not looking." A moment longer to close the comment with a smirk and Murphy moved to step around the other male aiming to continue on along the hallway.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy should really just walk away. And yet Murphy's response triggered something. He could blame the fact that he was looking out for his friend, Miller . . . but he knew deep down that that wasn't just it. That it was more than that. Yet he was in denial it seemed. He didn't want to admit to feeling something more for Murphy when the younger male clearly didn't reciprocate. In one quick motion he grabbed the collar of Murphy's jacket and pushed him against the wall forcefully.

A dead serious expression on his face as he held the man against the wall, practically glaring with him with the same stoic expression he often held. The one he couldn't afford to let slip. "Don't come between them." As if he was primarily protecting Miller and Bryan. But . . . that was what he had to blame. That was what he needed to act like this was what it was about. His friend. Not . . . whatever he felt for Murphy.

No. Clearly it could not be any deeper than what it was. Clearly, it was just physical. Bellamy couldn't let the hope of something more cloud him. The disappointment would be too painful. He was already vulnerable after Mount Weather and Clarke's abandonment. Roughly letting go of his shirt, he hardly took a step back as he finished his words. "Go to hell, Murphy." Because right now, it was easier -- it was safer -- to be angry than to admit to anything else.

[John Murphy]

As Bellamy grabbed a hold of his collar, Murphy braced himself, jaw flexing as his back hit the wall and a sharp huff of breath escaped his lips. Looked like he had hit a nerve with his comment and there was an ever present part of him that took pleasure in that. Provoking a reaction to knock the other out of control, or at least try. Still, he froze for a second or two waiting for Bellamy to perhaps do a little worse, but the order not to interfere only coaxed another grin from Murphy. 

It was taken as a sign he'd convinced Bellamy that he would try it, do his best to break up what Bryan and Miller had without a second thought. As if he could. Anybody could see those two only had eyes for each other and after hearing Bryan talk about his boyfriend, Murphy knew it for sure. As for Murphy himself, he was only interested in... no. Nobody. Certainly not the person who now had him pressed to the wall. Although, something about the proximity was firing up that little spark he'd been determined to snuff out.  

Once Bellamy released him, the other's following words seemed superfluous. As if thrown in to conceal something else. And they stung a little. How? How many times had those same words been thrown his way and simply rolled off him without so much as a hint of a frown? Only for Bellamy to miraculously manage to turn them into a dart that broke through, however faintly. That was all he needed to step up his defense, shifting his focus back to the temptation to push the suggestion of meddling even further. Stepping the short distance after Bellamy had let him go, he brought them closer together again, the smirk back as he questioned. "Why not? Are you planning on sliding in there yourself? I mean... you do get around, Bellamy."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Murphy sure as hell knew how to provoke others. Bellamy included. But right now, it was as if there was a whole other level to it. As if he was doing to such an extent that Bellamy hadn't even realized. It ellicted this strong reaction from him, that he hated. Because . . . he feared what it meant. He feared that it showed just how attached he had become to the damn person. When it was one sided. That, hurt the most. Bellamy knew it was best for Murphy. It was best for anyone to not want to be with Bellamy.

He was not an easy individual to be with. He hurt the people he cared about, intentionally or not. So this was what he should do. Be done with Murphy. Move on. Let him find happiness with someone else. Yet there was something about the former delinquent. Something that pulled Bellamy toward him. He couldn't explain it. He didn't dare try. He just knew that with the way Murphy stepped closer to him, that smug grin on his face, and the words to top it all off . . . Bellamy reacted. He often reacted based more on emotions than logic. But still. He pushed Murphy back against the wall, though didn't hold him against it.

The older male kept his position and simply shoved John away. As if pushing him from the physically close proximity equated to pushing him away emotionally. But it didn't. Not by a long shot. "Shut up, Murphy." Words he had said to him so many times before, yet this time . . . there was an underlying strong tone of anger. They were not nonchalant or overly casual. Why the hell should Bellamy care about what Murphy did or said? He shouldn't. But he didn't. He didn't want do. But he wanted do. The conflict in his mind was making Bellamy's head spin though all he could do in this moment was keep his eyes glared on the younger male, a surge of adrenaline starting to course through him threatening to unleash itself.

[John Murphy]

Sure, he was speaking to provoke, but at the same time inadvertently enjoying the short-lived closeness. Annoyingly. He was shoved back away soon enough and there was a clash of feelings in response. A smug victory along with what felt almost like disappointment. In the small distance. In Bellamy. In himself? No, he was doing the right thing. Let Bellamy push him away and it would be easier to do the same in return, in every way. 

The other's words delayed his reaction, familiar as they were. Again, he'd heard it enough that it meant nothing any more, apart from right now. Perhaps it was the flash back to earlier days that had him simply stare at Bellamy for a moment or two longer than he wanted, but it was more likely the anger rippling from the other man as he'd spoken. Each word swelling with animosity. Murphy wasn't sure he'd heard them delivered with such commitment and he had to quickly avert his gaze before any true feelings on the matter escaped. 

He made sure to disguise it as best he could. Gaze lowered but only to be followed immediately by a mocking sound of amusement before he once again fixed his attention on Bellamy, grin back in place. Maybe he should have given it up, held his hands up in real surrender and backed off. Instead he raised them in false submission as part of further instigation of Bellamy's anger, lowering them down to his side before he spoke again. "They're all yours, boss. Don't leave 'em hanging."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Murphy was growing increasingly agitating. But then, he must have known it. He was an instigator, always had been. Bellamy just never expected him to be able to provoke him in this way. To this extent. The more you cared about someone, the more you could be hurt by them. The more of an emotional response they drew from you. And that was exactly what was going on over here. It was his words though, that set Bellamy off. His fixated glare intensfying onto Murphy. Don't leave them hanging. Surely, a reference to the mutual attack on one another. Bellamy allowing the others to hang Murphy . . . Murphy hanging Bellamy in return. It was an issue that they had not spoken of. Having had to set it aside when they were reunited.

His anger had been more rested at the fact that Murphy had killed two of their people and shot Raven. Not so much at the hanging. But right now . . . the topic arose. And Bellamy didn't know how to react to it. Other than taking a step toward the younger male. This time, the action was meant to be an intimidation; a reflecting of his anger. So incredibly close to Murphy, as if he was silently daring him to make a move against him. And not in the intimate way. More so, in the violent way.

"You got something to say?" He demanded. Almost daring him to set aside any cryptic teases and just come right out and say it. "Or you just gonna take a few shots and run away again. Cause I'll open the damn gate for you." A reference to both his banishment, and his second departure after having left a less than amicable mark. Bellamy's angry words were . . . untrue. He didn't want Murphy to leave, but that was just it: the over emotional state of mind was clouding any rationality. This wasn't the first time either. For Bellamy, often didn't bother holding back any punches -- verbal of physical -- in the heat of the moment. And right now, he was targeting Murphy's status of isolation that he often had found himself in. Hoping to aim where it hurt.

[John Murphy]

He was already pretty much at the wall, but as Bellamy stepped in Murphy backed up until he was pressed a little more to it. Though he kept his gaze on the other man. He had to. He refused to give the other the satisfaction of him conceding. Besides, they'd been here before although circumstances had been different. Were they really? Maybe nothing had truly changed between them at all, and any pretense of civility was now falling away. This must be how it actually was; anger and resentment and hatred. 

Amid the haze of indignation that now hung in the air, Murphy couldn't decide if he did hate Bellamy. He should. He was trying to, and he that resolved he would. Even if his attempts at this moment lacked conviction. It didn't matter, everything else was there and the look in Bellamy's eyes as he glared at him only exacerbated his own fury. He had said the wrong thing. And the right thing. All in one. 

There was his usual smirk at Bellamy's first question, but it faltered at the next part, fading as he exposed a less self-assured facade. It swiftly turned to one more hostile, with Murphy now glaring right back. His thoughts reeled back to his absences, both voluntary and forced. Perhaps it had always been forced. He considered if Bellamy would actually kick him out. Of course he would. Nothing had changed after all. Leave or get kicked out, he wouldn't allow Bellamy Blake the gratification of deciding on it either way. Not that he would want to leave, he had nowhere to aim for, but that wouldn't be reason enough to stay if it really came down to it. "... I'm out of here." He reacted with a rough shove, pushing himself from the wall in hope of the added force assisting, considering how close Bellamy was stood. "As soon as you get out of my way."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: John Murphy

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

There was no satisfaction felt by Bellamy from Murphy's reaction. Had he said the words to provoke the younger male? Logic would dictate yes. Yet, he hadn't wanted to hurt him. And did at the same time. He hated feeling whatever the hell he did, unable to pinpoint singular emotions. It all just felt like a big mess. Being with someone should be easy. Effortless. And yet, considering it was the two of them . . . those words would never be a part of them.

Their lives had been far from easy. They had to fight for everything. Fight to survive. It was a natural instinct. And right now, they were fighting against one another. But perhaps this was for the best. If Murphy didn't feel the same way, then Bellamy needed to let him go. Let him find someone else. But any sort of selfless willingness was masked by his anger right now.

One that caused him to move back when Murphy shoved him out of the way, Bellamy's eyes never leaving his as they locked on with an expression that matched his tone and blunt words. "Get the hell out then," he stated harshly. Though his voice was not raised, it was clearly filled with emotion . . . emotion that matched the current nature of their conversation. "Wouldn't be the first time. Just make sure it's the last." Once again, Bellamy didn't mean the words. But maybe it was just an attempt to further instigate the conversation. Because, as the older male well knew, it was better to hate Bellamy Blake than to love him.