Don't walk away

[Clarke Griffin]

cherry1

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Clarke stopped. She had to stop. It slammed into her as if someone had just shot her, not that she had been shot in a while, it felt like she had been shot with more than just a normal bullet. Maybe a bit like falling from that cliff. The pain, the feelings overwhelmed Clarke as soon as she saw Camp Jaha. These were her people. She had fought for them. She had killed for them. She had killed, ended the lives of so many people. For them. Clarke was a murderer now, but she had no idea how to deal with it. She had no idea how the others were meant to deal with it. She had trusted in an alliance and they were left for dead, basically.

The blonde stared at the people going in. Some of the kids were reuniting with their parents. She saw loving embraces, tears, worried faces, pained expressions, pained realizations when their parents didn’t arrive after all. All of this should give her other feelings than she had right now. She should want to help them, to be the doctor she had wanted to be. Instead she felt a different type of panic. Clarke turned to look at the forest behind her, longing for solitude. She would be haunted, she knew, but she could deal with that. It was better to be haunted, when those ghosts couldn’t harm anyone else. Clarke looked around once more, her hand brushing the stretcher on which Raven was carried due to her injuries. She wished or at least part of her wished, that she could say goodbye to all of them, but she didn’t know how. How could she find words for what she felt? And that was how she stood there before the gate, torn and ready to leave.

[cherry1]

Raven was in immense pain, from the explosion at the dam to the drilling, she’d been through a lot. But still, she found it difficult to sit still in medical. There were so many others who were hurt far worse than she was. They needed to be taken care of a hell of a lot more urgently than she did. It was why she snuck away as soon as Jackson had checked her over. Sure she’d been explicitly told to stay in bed and rest so she could heal, but that wasn’t going to happen. At least not yet. Because while she did long for the time to heal there was something she needed to deal with first.

Raven’s relationship with Clarke was…complicated at best. But they’d been through enough together now, that it got easier to read her face, her expressions. And the look on Clarke’s face when they got to camp worried her. It wasn’t filled with relief like everyone else’s. It was torn and heavy with what Raven had to assume was guilt. And with an expression like that she had to assume Clarke was going to do something stupid. And Raven wasn’t exactly going to sit idly by and let that happen. Not now when she needed her most.

It was easy to sneak away, with the crowd of patients that needed to be taken care of, providing the perfect distraction. And with Abby as one of those patients, the shortage of doctors wouldn’t exactly notice if just one patient went missing. Grabbing the first crutches she could find in medical, Raven quickly, or as quickly as she could made her way back to the gate, expecting to find Clarke there. And she did. With that same look on her face, looking away from the camp. “Hey,” she called before leaning on the crutches as she reached her. “Why aren’t you inside?”

[Clarke Griffin]

She jumped at the voice. Clarke hadn’t expected anyone to speak to her. At least not Raven. She was hurt. They had injured her so badly. And her mother. They wanted to take their lives, but her mom, she was targeted because she was her mother, for that reason and that hurt, so much. She had almost gotten so many of her friends killed, of her people. And she had gotten so many people killed. How could she go inside. How could she allow herself to be around them? She’d bring death, she’d… she’d be too damaged surely. How was she supposed to burden them with herself?

“Raven…” Clarke stared at her. Why did she come to her? She had every reason to hate her. She knew what she did in Tondc, she couldn’t stop the drilling. She killed all those people. Raven had every reason to not look at her, yet she was here. And her asking, did that mean she wanted Clarke to come inside? She knew some others would want that, but they didn’t know as much as Raven did. She didn’t directly kill their boyfriends or exes or whatever the hell. “I killed so many people. I can’t…. burden you with me being around. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to” No that was the wrong start. It was just better. “It’s better if I go. They shouldn’t be forced to see my face and be reminded of the death I brought. They shouldn’t be burdened with the guilt, Raven. I can’t.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven stood there and listened as what she feared was confirmed to be true. Clarke was planning on doing something stupid. But running away was not a solution. “You…can’t? So that’s it.” Clarke was planning on leaving. Just like that. Without even a word of goodbye. It…frustrated her, even angered her a little. Okay actually a lot. In their short time with each other on the ground they’d already been so much together. Not all of it good, hell most of it bad. But goddamn it, surely she deserved better than that. “So after everything you were just going to up and leave us? Leave me? Without a word?”

Taking a shaky step towards her on the stolen crutches Raven tried to stem the anger, unsuccessfully. “What about your mom?” Abby would be worried sick about her after she recovered. All of them would be. Clarke had people in the camp that loved and cared about her. What could the outside possibly offer her? Apart from certain death of course. “Get your ass in that camp, Clarke. Before I drag you in there myself.” Her voice was low but stern. It was…an ambitious threat, especially in the state she was in but she meant every word. There was no way she was letting her go. To hell with the rest of the camp and the burden Clarke wished to lift from them. They all had battle scars, some more literally physical and others mental. But they would learn to deal with them together. They had to.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke felt the weight on her threatening to bring her down more and more. It threatened to make her lose balance as there was not much she could do to keep herself up. There was the thing that she knew she was still at her most logical, that the big break down was still ahead of her. Part of her, maybe the deciding part, wanted to go out there for distraction, to numb herself from the pain that was being who she was, carrying her burden. Part of it was so very selfish. She wanted this to stop. She needed it to stop and maybe it could, out there. Maybe not. She just… maybe she was just scared, a coward. Maybe she could do both. Maybe she could go inside but be alone when she needed it and she guessed she would need it, often. Maybe it was a solution. For now. For now it could be one.

She could at least try this. She could at least stay for now. Try it and then… if nothing worked she could go. But still, she couldn’t move, not yet. “There is… so much blood on me, Raven. I’m a killer. I…” She stopped, looking to the ground, unable to look at the others or her. She wasn’t ashamed, she had no choice, but it hurt. And she hated to know she had taken so many lives. She hated to know that the rational part of her was most likely to not stay rational at all. “We’ve all seen traumatizing things. I am scared of what I will do in the light of them. I’m afraid I will hurt people. It’s become… a normal for me, hasn’t it? I kill… that’s what I do. I kill. What if I kill again in there?”

cherry1

[cherry1]

The hurt in her eyes pained Raven’s heart. She hated to see her like this, so broken. It was obvious the Mountain had changed them all, but Clarke most of all. Cause while they had all made sacrifices on the ground in order to survive, Clarke had sacrificed her own soul to keep them alive. It was brave, and Raven would forever respect the impossible decision she was forced to make. “You’re not going to hurt anyone Clarke, not them and certainly not me,” Raven knew her. She wasn’t the monster that she seemed to think she was. “You couldn’t hurt me if you tried,” she said with a small smile, teasing her since Raven was obviously in no state to defend herself. Taking a step towards her, she slowly laid a hand on her shoulder, leaning her weight on the crutches at her side. “You did what you had to do to save us, nobody could ever blame you for that.” Raven dreaded to think of what would have happened to her and the rest of them had Clarke not done what she did. They would have all died excruciating deaths at the hands of the Mountain Men. She didn’t think she’d ever forget the sound of those drills, they would probably haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Clarke, you have to stay. I…I need you. And you need us…me.” Sure it was partly selfish. But she didn't care, she deserved to be a little selfish right now after what they'd been through. Raven had lost so much and Clarke was the only person she knew how to talk to. If she left then what would she do, how would she cope without her? No that wasn’t an option. Raven wasn’t asking her to stay, she was telling her. There was no choice in the matter. The crutches were pretty heavy and solid and could work in knocking a person out. That was plan B, and while Raven hoped it wouldn’t come to that, it was a definite possibility.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke didn’t expect human contact from her like that. But this hand on her shoulder meant a lot. And stares, pleading, from the door meant equally much. They wanted her to stay. But how? She would go in. She had to go in now. There was no way around it anymore. Raven tried so hard to make her stay. She had to stay. Even though it felt like it was the wrong decision. But she had made different kinds of wrong decisions before. What would one more do? Nothing. “I blame myself.” Clarke provided as she placed her own hand over Raven, not really understanding herself what that meant. She was confused about a lot of things. Mainly if she would survive this. 

“I will stay.” What other choice did she have? She wanted her to stay, others looked like they would come and ask her to stay as well. She needed to stay. She couldn’t leave and if it was enough, she could leave as well, she guessed. For now, even if it felt horrible, she would stay. “Let’s go inside.” It was hard, but she would do it. Clarke gently moved her arm around Raven to help her walk. It was better, she thought, than using crutches. But it helped her, too. It helped her not to turn around and run. It helped her to go inside, because she was focused on the task instead of the looks she was getting. It only worked to a certain point, though. “W… we should get you straight to medical.” Clarke whispered. Part of that was of course for Ravens wellbeing, but also for Clarkes. In medical she was away from most eyes.

cherry1

[cherry1]

“I will stay.” Oh thank goodness. Because she was just about ready to collapse. If Clarke hadn’t agreed to come back inside Raven wasn’t sure how much longer she would have the energy to try to convince her. She already felt light headed. Maybe there actually was a reason they’d tried to keep her in medical. But it was worth escaping though. Clarke might have left otherwise, and then what would she do. She needed her here. It was selfish but true. Raven didn’t have a lot of people left so she couldn’t afford to lose anyone else she cared about. “Good choice. I didn’t want to have to use physical persuasion to get you inside,” she teased with a smile on her face. Leaning on Clarke, not even bothering to protest her help as she normally would. Because let’s face it she needed the assistance. Clarke was much more helpful than those makeshift crutches.

“That’s the best idea you’ve had all day,” she said turning to smile at Clarke, as she all but carried her all the way to medical. The unease in her face evident as she tried to avoid the gaze of the others in camp. It made Raven feel all the more determined to help her get through this. Clarke had no reason to feel ashamed and dammit Raven was going to make her realise that. “Jackson’s gonna kick my ass when he sees me.” Seeing as she’d been given pretty specific orders to stay in bed. But hopefully he wouldn’t see her, with Abby in bed Jackson was swamped taking care of the injured from Mount Weather. As soon as they made it to medical Raven paused at the door, to make one last thing clear. “You’re making the right decision Clarke, it might be hard to see it now, but this is the only place you need to be right now,” she said, still leaning on Clarke, with more of her body weight now as she got progressively more and more exhausted from physical exertion.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Jackson can back of.” Clarke whispered. “You’re my patient.” She would want to work, a lot. It would keep her mind occupied. It would keep her away from thinking over what she did. Sooner or later Tondc would catch up with her and then she would have a lot to answer for, especially from Bellamy. She dreaded that moment, but it would come. She couldn’t expect Octavia o remain silent, she had every right to be angry and every right to call her out on it or share that information with her brother. So that was still ahead of her, no doubt.

Once in medical, Clarke helped Raven onto a bed. She was careful with her leg, with her injuries. This was something Clarke could do, to take care of people, especially people she liked. She wanted to make sure Raven, who made her stay, was okay, because she would need her to survive all of this. Taking care of her would be easy compared to taking care of herself. She nodded at Ravens comment. “I hope you’re right.” And if she wasn’t she could still always sneak away at night. “I should probably get you something to numb the pain. That all doesn’t look nice at all. You shouldn’t have gotten up, Raven. What if that would have done more damage?” This was easy, being a doctor. She went to the cabinet with medicines in them, looking for anything that could take the pain that wasn’t alcohol.

cherry1

[cherry1]

“Well then I know I’m in good hands,” she said with a smile, straining against the crutches as she leaned more on Clarke. As soon as they got to medical she sighed in relief at finally resting on the bed. The physical exertion took a lot out of her. But as always she put a brave face on, trying to hide from Clarke the true extent of how much her injuries had affected her. The pain was getting harder and harder to ignore, most of it was concentrated on where they had drilled into her shins. But the more the medication started to wear off, the more she became aware of the pain radiating from her hip. It was only growing stronger, but Raven was not going to complain and use up all their resources. There were others who needed them more.

“My leg’s already messed up, how much worse could it get,” she said with a hollow chuckle. “And besides, any damage caused would be worth it. Because it meant stopping you from doing something stupid…like leaving.” On the last word, she hissed as she moved her leg to the side in an attempt to get more comfortable, hoping Clarke didn’t notice. “See now you have to stay, you’re my doctor. I need you.” She smirked as she spoke, obviously using her current condition as leverage in an attempt to ensure Clarke would stay. And knowing Clarke it would probably work. “Who else am I supposed to trust to get me all better? Huh, doc?”

[Clarke Griffin]

“I can name a number of complications, Raven.” She pointed out. “I was a student, I had to have all of that memorized.” Eventually she would have had to pass a test about all of that and she tried to keep up on that here on the ground for obvious reasons. At one point it seemed like she was the closest thing to a doctor down here. Clarke smiled softly. Ravens words were balm to her soul, helping her accept that maybe it was a good idea to stay. She would need that, she would need Ravens bluntness and support, her quick wit and the way she could set her head straight. She needed Raven.

“My mom maybe?” But her mom was down, too and Jackson was probably about to get overwhelmed, so her patients were probably the luckiest ones, as Clarke just then planned to only take on a handful and devote her full skill and power to them and nobody else. Clarke then turned to rummage through the supplies, emerging with a shot of painkillers. She didn’t announce it at all, just stuck the syringe into Ravens leg and pressed it, assuming the woman would prefer to be numbed as soon as possible instead of being subjected to stupid talk. Then she began to look at it.

“They didn’t care about your survival, that much is clear.” Clarke whispered as she looked at the leg. “Man, they didn’t even hit the right area.” Well kind of, they did go into the general direction of bone, but that was so bad, even a Grounder could do a better job. “I think we will need to repair a lot, Raven. Can you describe the pain you felt?”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven rested her head for a moment as she tried to concentrate on Clarke’s words coming from beside her instead of the steadily growing pain. “You’re mom probably needs you about as badly as I do…maybe more.” Abby had been subjected to pain too, it was a miracle they were both alive. No…that wasn’t true. They were alive because Clarke saved them along with the others. But she made the hard decision to save them all and miracles had nothing to do with it. It was either us or them, they were alive because that’s just how warfare worked. Raven needed to remember that. “HEY! Damn it Clarke!” She jolted up, a scowl on her face as she looked down at the syringe Clarke had just shoved into her leg. “A little warning would be nice.” She said, hissing it through her gritted teeth. Remembering why she’d always hated medical so much. It was probably better this way, Raven had a particular aversion to needles. Better to get it over and done with. But still…

She looked away as Clarke inspected the injuries, not wanting to see the product of their brutality. “They weren’t really looking to make it clean and I gave them kind of hard time.” There was no way she was going to just let them drill into her leg without a fight. "Can you describe the pain you felt?" As soon as Clarke’s question registered in her mind Raven froze. "It was..." The pain she felt…was indescribable. The memory forcing her to visibly wince. And not something she cared to relive. She paused for a long moment, the question hanging in the air as she looked at Clarke, or rather through her. Tears in her eyes threatening to fall, before she abruptly sniffed, forcing them back and pulling herself together. “Look Clarke, I’m trusting you to fix me up and I want you to stay and everything but I never want to think about…what happened again. So you’re just gonna have to work without that description.”

Tag: Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

“A little warning would have made you concentrate on the pain, would have made you notice it more than you already did. So nope, no warning. You needed the painkillers.” Asap actually. It was bad enough that she had to go through emotional pain, she did not really expect Clarke to let her go through actual pain for long, did she? Well, probably, she guessed. It was hard to come by painkillers, even on the Ark and down here they had not grown the plants they needed for that, yet. They would need to. With the Grounders and animals, they would have countless injuries and sicknesses. They needed painkillers, desperately even. 

“Raven, I want to, I really do, but it will be easier not to hurt you further if you tell me. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to be okay, Raven. I want you to be better and I really don’t want to hurt you more. I could, sadly, get you paralyzed if I make a wrong move. I can’t let that happen to you, Raven. So please, tell me where it hurts. Tell me where it’s the worst and maybe… if there’s a place where it doesn’t hurt.” She needed to know. She needed to be able to avoid places where she could hurt her further. Clarke refused to cause more damage.

cherry1